It doesn’t even feel right to touch my wrist and not feel a rough surface or to look down and not see any scars. It’s just normal skin. It feels weird.
I’ve gotten so used to being someone whose weird and random and you know this depressed state of my mentality has grown on to me and is a big part of who I am, but sometimes there are just some people who really puzzle me in a fascinating way. Like, I can’t quite figure them out and it’s a really frustrating feeling when I can’t understand how someone is living their reality, how they see the world through their eyes. I mean, very rarely does a person have the ability to really make me look up to them and want to learn from them and give me a sense of motivation and I don’t think they are even aware of how every little thing they do or say really effects me and I kind of end up wanting to grow as a person. I mean, sometimes I’m just giving a person so much attention that I realize they are just as many other people out there in the world, more than enough, who question reality and want to know the purpose of their life and somewhere in there, drugs are obviously involved. And they just make me feel like I’m such a bland and boring person who has given up and doesn’t see beyond what is happening at the moment. But when I realize they aren’t the only ones like this, I kind of end up putting a stop to this self-doubt because I realize, well that’s who they are and this is who I am. My thoughts and my way of living probably could be influencing someone and I don’t even know. Or maybe I really am just a boring person. It’s not really about what people think. It’s about , a little sense of jealousy I get, when I see that a person can come up with whatever possibility or explanation in their heads to make them okay with the way they are living. After all, everything is happening in your head and you control how you want to live your life, etc…the obvious shit everyone says. But, I don’t get the concept of acceptance. That is something that I have being noticing that a lot of my friends make look so easy, accepting things. And I am over here confused as fuck, dumbfounded, like how do you do that? How did you just accept this and decide everything is okay and you are still moving on with your life in contentment? I mean, were are humans, and there are just some things that humans have to feel because it is how we were made. You cannot be cold-hearted forever. There is something that has affected you in some way and even if you lose a sense of emotions at a point, if something worthy comes in your life, that will change. Idk, I just feel like to some people this may seem like bullshit but to me it just seems so simple. I feel like there are so many people who are living in the norm and not thinking outside of the box and they make other people trapped. If everyone believed they could make their life in any way imaginable then there would be so many free spirits and just not enough tension. Topics like this make it very hard for me to understand and learn from because there are just some things that are made up in my mind that I don’t want to change. But, I just get so surprised from some people, like they really are interesting and it just makes me feel like I’m not good enough to be around that person or I just want to be by myself because I know if I’m around someone like that then I’m going to thinking that things I have learned are nothing special compared to how that someone learns things. It’s just better sometimes to be stuck in your own world with your own thoughts. I mean, it’s not good and it makes it hard for people to understand you, but it’s how I keep myself safe. I just feel like, I need something to prove to myself that I am capable of purpose in this planet, you know just anything. If I could just changes one person’s life, I could see that I’m good for something. But that’s the thing with acceptance. People let go so easily, that it’s scary because then things seem like, a waste of time. If I had acceptance of myself, I wouldn’t be confusing myself like I am right now, I wouldn’t be so worried about people being better than me. I wana be fascinated by myself for once. I just don’t get how people can find the time to think about so much complex shit like this in such a simple society that basically copies each other and goes nowhere from there, you know. And then, when it comes to simple things in life, they don’t seem to know what to do with it. I mean, I guess I wish I were like that too, to not have anyone get in the way of my feelings, or to give me any feelings for that matter. Maybe I’m too much of a depressing fuck to look at the positive outlooks of life and that’s why I probably never cared about what can happen when you do finally accept things. I mean, you can work your way up like you’re suppose to in life, but I promise, there is always going to be some exhausting problem that will just make you forget about all the things you learned, and you just…end up in a downfall and don’t give a shit about any of this psychological thinking or philosophy shit. I mean if you can get through it, then that means you have practiced a lot and really concentrate and that’s good. But it’s hard for normal, everyday people. I don’t know ugh. I’m such a waste of life. Really, honestly I am. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is get high and complain about my useless existence. That’s how you know I’m a waste of life.
Music is so crazy, it brings me back to a time that I feel like I just experienced yet it happened months ago. There’s a part of me that is just so saddened by my memories and thoughts; there’s such a strong urge in me that wishes to go back in time just this year and start over and stay away from hurting my mom, or causing trouble for myself, or getting hurt by people who I will never be good enough for. It really sucks thinking about it. I forget how many emotions I have felt and how many ups and downs I have passed. Each time I’m hurt and I get over it, some new stuff happens and then I think about how before I had so much freedom. Maybe right now I have freedom even though I’m miserable. Maybe something worse will happen. Why do so many things have to end? Imagine how many people would be dead right now if wishes came true. Everyone has a moment where they wish that life would end instead of moments. Some more than others. I just wish sometimes there was somebody who could understand me. Understand what I want and not mock my feelings because I seem to dramatic or emotional. I don’t understand when this all started or when I started feeling so alone; it’s just a feeling that came and stuck up on me. Sometimes I just feel like the only peace I will find is when I can end up dead. Cuz I hate feeling like wanting to be dead just as much as I hate being alive.
Every fucking day I have to hear some shit from my mom or some shit from my dad, like why else do I lie to them so much…so that they can live in their pretend fantasy world and I can do as much of what I want to do, which is whatever the fuck comes up. You chose to be ignorant and close-minded people now you get to deal with things that you keep catching. People who don’t cut aren’t going to understand people who do. My mom’s repeating everyday that her daughter tried to commit suicide just cuz she saw cuts on my wrist like one time, and all I can do is laugh like chill the fuck out. It’s not that serious. I hate when people automatically relate cutting to suicide, I am not trying to kill myself. If I am going to kill myself I am going to make sure I end up dead, not slit my wrists and end up in the hospital with more bills to pay and more cunts up my fucking ass. And then she says that when I do drugs that i can think of her dead body. Ha, okay. Go ahead. Go kill yourself. I’m not stopping anyone from doing what they want. Nobody stopped me, I ain’t stoppen you. Don’t let me the reason for your unhappiness. Why are we even over here trying to pretend like things are fine when they never were and they never will be? Everything is fucked up, my fucking brain is turned upside down. I’ve tried and I’ve tried to make people happy and they don’t ever give a shit, they don’t ever stay in my life, they never stopped me from doing anything terrible, so who the fuck am I to tell you what to do. My parent’s already have me tied down enough for the rest of my life, and then my mom tells me that we only live once, and I’m just like, who the fuck are you telling? If I only live once leme fucken do what I want, why are you all over my case? Yea, drugs are bad, but when did I say I cared for your or anybodies fucking opinion. You don’t even know me, nobody does. And I give up dealing with people. You fucking losers over here wana tell me that people who wana suicide are cowards and that I should be strong but then it’s you people who are getting the fuck on my nerves and making me feel like smashing my head against the fucken wall. I’ll cut all I fucking want, wherever I want. I’l do as many fucking drugs as I want. It’s when people tell me what to do that really irritates me, even if it isn’t something I want, but just the fact that your taking the option away from me and lessening my freedom, it’s so suffocating. You know, all this isn’t even a big deal, but people make it such a big deal. Like, leave me alone. People wana leave me might as well have everyone leave so I can enjoy my peace and quiet. It’s written all over my forehead, I don’t give a fuck so stop fucking talking to me and telling me things as if they will phase me. You lost your daughter a really long time ago.
I know, I know…this sounds really selfish and ungrateful. But I’m angry and iv spent enough time of my life feeling shameful and guilty. I don’t care anymore. I can’t fix things.
I’ve been getting myself into so much shit lately, I don’t even know what to do anymore except sit back and either laugh or think about killing myself. I don’t even have anyone to talk to. And my mom is suspicious about my cutting I think cuz she was glancing at my wrist. If she found out about that, mannnnn…. I don’t think anybody gets how unhappy I am. Not like the sulky, gloomy kinda sad. But like the kind of sad where I feel like life is playing a cruel joke on me and God is looking down and enjoying torturing me and I’m just fed up like shit, let me be dead dude nobody gives a shit about me and find peace without you fucking bitches out there who always abandoning me and also so I can stop watching people suffer because of something I did. If I really am going to be left alone then let me be alone completely. Like, why the fuck am I alive, I really have no purpose. I don’t fucking care. I know life is how you view things and there’s many bright things out there to look at but I feel miserable and therefore I will remain miserable because there’s nothing else I can focus on. It’s like I can’t find satisfaction in any emotion.
I didn’t even realize when I started working out today; it was out of nowhere when I became aware that I was sitting on this machine and I didn’t want to stop. I liked this urge that was being taking out on a piece of machine that hadn’t been touched in months and I was sweating and I think the only reason I had so much energy in me was because I had so much to let out, so much anger and shame and sadness. But mostly anger was the fuel to keep me going. Sadness wears out a person but when a person is angry you want to move and let it out you know. I don’t normally work out… like…ever. lol. But it was nice being alone with the loud music on and just being active. I don’t ever usually take care of my body and whenever I have treated it badly has been more due to inner emotions and lack of self esteem and not because I wanted my body to get rid of fat or I wanted to look a certain way. Idk…it just felt nice. I can understand how people would use exercising as a process of venting, instead of something like purging or cutting. It’s not something I will do every day and I know my lazy ass probably won’t touch the machine again for another couple months lol… I guess it was just to pass time till my body became just as worn out as my mind.
I don’t have any more hard feelings left for life. I am out of tears man. It is what it is. I knew from the beginning that fucking with illegal things in public has no other consequence except for bad ones. Do stupid things and you will feel twice as stupid. And who am I kidding? Iv been rejected 483455432 times my whole life. There was no reason for things to be different this time. I blame myself for my faults. I can leave high school saying i got ditched for homecoming and I never went to prom. I stayed home and cut myself. Its not that I’m trying to make things harder than they are. Its just this is how iv learned to get over things, by being hard on myself. I over think when im sad, i over think more when im happy. My knowledge based on personal experiences are reflected on how I give advice to others, not on myself. I can’t tell if things are as bad as I’m making them sound or not a big deal at all. I definitely learned a lot and gained absolutely nothing. I’m definitely bummed out, that’s for sure. Rejection is something that nobody likes, no matter if its from family, from the opposite sex, from a job or school, or even from yourself. The process is a mind-draining, time-consuming, piece of shit waste of emotions that you have no control over. What is it in me that people say they see that looks so good and says so many interesting, thought provoking things but when the opportunity shows up I get fucked over every time. Wtf am I suppose to believe if people treat me like I look good but make me feel so ugly? Fuck, I’m graduating in less than a month. More of being forgotten. I don’t know if I should laugh everything off or if I should cry like a little bitch. I’m probably going to do both. My hearts just as big of fuck up as my mentality and nostalgia is making everything worse. Iv stayed in the same place for years but so much has changed. I’m keeping these emotional walls up. I have no interest in being interested in anyone or anything anymore. Fuck it if I’m being a selfish little cunt. People make it look like such a fun hobby fucking around with others, I really want to be the one on the other side for once and see how much fun it is letting someone down. But then again, I don’t have it in me to do that on purpose, and I have already done enough letting down to some certain adults. There are only two people who can see right through me and no what I mean and what I want based off of what I say and how I act. I wish people could understand me, especially people who mean something to me. Life would be so different if I had a relationship with my mom. But then again, I don’t even understand myself or this state of reality that we live in. We all end up nowhere as usual.
I would hate myself if I were someone else.
Sincerely, my depressing fuck of an ass. (I know I sound stupid but …w/e)
Just gotta rmbr…people are always going through way worse and are waaayy stupider.
I think fear sucks because it holds us back from so many things that don’t even matter. It holds a lot of people back from getting to know the good side of you and it especially holds you back from getting to know yourself to your full potential. Sometimes I get scared more for why I want something than the actual thing I want because I can’t understand why I would want to torture my heart so many times before I get the clue that you can’t let people walk all over you and you can’t keep running in fear and think that life’s problems will fix themselves during time. It’s just a feeling that stays with you. Our hearts are so sensitive, I don’t see why everyone can’t get that through our heads and try to treat a person better. And if someone is going to push us too far to the point where you need to face your fears, at least give them a reason to overcome it and find that the fear was just created in our minds due to the past. There’s always a fear of finding out that what I believe is true and that people will continue to be careless and be selfish and worry about themselves only. Then I’m scared that everything I hate will be everything I turn into. And the scariest feeling I believe that everyone else can relate to would be the idea of being alone forever. It’s just torture; you torture yourself by exposing who you are to people who will make you feel like they left you before they even got the chance to be close to you. I just don’t see the point of life if you have no one to love you. I’m not here to impress myself after all. I live in a world where judgment is a part of human nature and if I deserve to be treated like shit by people I think I also deserve someone who can make me forget that I’m crap. It’s nice to be reminded that I’m a girl and not some programmed robot trained to feel the same things every day and be placed in the same comfortable surrounding each day. I don’t want to feel blank and naked in societies eyes. I’d rather just live in a small world with one person and do whatever we felt like. The most boring things excite me. Love excites me. Nobody seems to be good enough though. And then I don’t seem good enough either. I wonder if the road leading to fear also leads to a door of happiness and contentment afterwards. I’m just bitter. Everyone seems so fucking perfect. I know they’re not though. Not even close. But they pull it off so well.
You know what thought keeps becoming more convincing inside my head? The fact that there is literally nothing I’m good enough for and everything I’m trying to be good at will only be just a small phase of failures that the rest of these stupid teenagers are also trying to be good at. Everyone is trying to think differently and be different but they all look the same to me and all just fucking confuse me. Are these the type of people that are suppose to keep me happy to be alive? Other people who want to continue to fuck up their mentality and also wana kill themselves. Maybe they can handle whatever situation they put themselves into but I’m just straight up …not interest in shit and I get easily overwhelmed. Everyone questions everything, everyone has their own little perspective and shit. What happens when I’m in my own little bubble and living my life through my oblivious point of view?…someone fucken fucks it up. I’m so fucking annoyed by everything and everyone and even myself. Every time I think I’m good at something, I feel like my effort is just wasted. Every time I feel like I found a believable answer to comfort myself in the moment (even if it’s not true) someone has to come fuck it up for me. I can’t even be the best fuck up out there. I’m a failure at being a failure and that makes me feel pathetic. I feel like closing off ppl from my life is making me close minded. I learned its just best to keep your opinions to yourself. Not so you don’t piss others off but so that others don’t piss u off. I just don’t wana deal with shit. I just wana keep the things that make me smile and focus on that for as long as I can because it really never does last that long. Even my friends start to notice that everyone leaves me. There’s never gona be that moment of satisfaction inside me for something I did or said. Life’s just a piece of shit and I will never win. There’s always a feeling of competition and its with the most unexpected people that I feel it with. Ya, we’re all full of curiosity and people can do whatever the fuck pleases them. I started dressing bummier, I started gaining weight, I don’t even have energy to make a effort to look good, I’m always tired, I hate the feeling of nostalgia because it makes me really miss times that I thought I was happy in. I mean I remember not being happy for the longest time but for some reason the past still looks better than right now and I realize it’s not because I was happy then but because I’m just getting sadder right now. I’m devastatingly bored. You become so angry and turn into a little kid throwing tantrums and becoming bitter and mean just because you don’t get what you want but you get to watch other people care about others and you just wonder why the fuck you can’t get that. There are people who are smart or outgoing or whatever and like how the fuck do I become that? Or how did I turn into this? Maybe I’m better off because i can’t keep up with peoples minds and the regular ways of how you act with someone because I feel like I’m so awkward and the one person who sometimes can tell when I’m down and asks me what’s wrong I can’t talk to because she’s my mom and I don’t talk to her about problems that will cause more problems and I just feel like an emotional mess and I have nothing to keep me happy and I have no reason to care. Even these complaints sound repetitive. Sometimes I feel like I have potential and I can make people happy but that feeling disappears so quickly when self doubt shows up. When I see that there are so many better people than me who seem to know what they are talking about and even if they don’t make sense at least they are content with the way they see things I just lose all sense of happiness that I worked for. It’s like I take one step forward and end up with two steps back and its exhausting working your way back up to being content with urself. I’m not good at talking about feelings. I’m good at hiding my feelings behind a computer screen and tearing my skin with blades I get from shaving razors. Sometimes I trip over shit that shouldn’t be focused on so much. But if I don’t like the way I feel about something then I can’t help it. I can’t figure out what it is that I need but I don’t wana continue to be as uptight as I can be at times. I don’t know…maybe it’s not certain matters that piss me off or what people say but the fear of what it will lead to afterwards. Its all fun and games until there’s some sort of loss, which usually there always is.
Imagine being a loser and it meaning absolutely nothing to no one. What you do will be meaningless to the elderly or even anyone. I’m wondering what if the things that we complain about is what makes up life? We grow up following our guardians morals and end up slowly losing our values because of all the fucked up shit that gets in the way of what we want and after being treated like fucking dirt and coming to the lowest point of our life, we are still expected to follow the subtle rules of society like go to school, get a job, get a family, stay abstinent, settle down, don’t do drugs, die. I mean theres nothing wrong with that because thats how we get through life. But if we didnt need that…damn imagine how amazing it would be if there was no such thing as fucking up. You wouldn’t have to follow rules, listen to anybody, clean up shit and worry about money and education. Honestly what I learned in school hasn’t gotten me very far and the kind of knowledge I have is pretty unimportant to anyone that isn’t me. You could actually get some rest instead of tossing and turning in bed being tortured by ur loud brain and unwanted ideas. I feel like it wud be fucking amazing if we just lived in a dirt filled forest and wore the same crap everyday and smelled like shit and just didn’t care for anyones opinion. You smoke ur dope and just feel so happy ur completely oblivious to anyone elses opinion. But then if everybody had freedom, there would be less time to form opinions because everyone would be so chill, minding ones own business, having nothing to form, nothing to move on from and move on to. If u wnted something u cud just create it then and there. Why couldn’t the purpose of life be that there is no purpose. I mean that is what I think of life right now but only because people make me resent it and thats just my opinion but I mean if it literally had no purpose, like we did whatever we wanted, that be fucking awesome. If half the people right now had the opportunity to leave what they have right now for something they want, even a moment of peace, imagine how different they would be. There’d be inner peace. It be like u got chance to find urself. Its fucking rare these days to have the thing u want from life and the thing u have to do to get through life be the same shit. Chances are sacrifices are going to have to be made. Ur not lost inside this shit of pain caused by other people. Ur not trying to convince urself there’s a reason God put u into this world because there wouldn’t be a reason except to be happy and enjoy people and nature. I don’t know how the rest of the world would work out like but the idea of making reality something it isn’t gives me a sense of childish happiness. The really naive kind of giddiness that u get inside from something that will never really happen but ur just so into the thought of it that u just make urself believe it’s possible. Just focus on the little beauty inside things. I feel like my heart is trapped in a cage and I just want to find relief in life. I want to be able to feel good and not have that feeling dissapear so drastically.
I am self-diagnosing myself and have come to the conclusion that I am crazy. I feel like I’m fucking out of it, like I’ve just lost it. And the funny part is that I don’t even care. I actually prefer to be a mess than being perfect. Man people don’t fucking lie when they say boredom can lead a person to do crazy things. I think it’s kinda pathetic and sad that I can be more happier by myself than when I am with people. I don’t feel like everything I do is being compared to what other’s do. I don’t worry about getting anxious or awkward around people. Who needs a guy when I can just hide my ugliness with clothes and not have to become so stressed over every little detail on my body and worry for a guy thinking it’s the most disgusting shit he’s ever laid eyes on? Yes I have urges to be touched sometimes but I drive myself insane by being so self-conscious. Something may not even exist in someone else’s eyes but to me I see everything as a flaw on me, even if their just problems I’v created. I’v learned to be my own best friend and also my worst enemy. Iv accepted the fact that if I’m the most beautiful and smartest girl out there that drives boys crazy or if I’m an ugly and depressing and ditsy female who nobody pays attention to, it won’t make a damn difference. People leave. I can wait. I can wait my whole life to find someone who will actually make an effort towards me and accept me for however sane or insane I am. Because I am so tired of being afraid…of everything. Of being hurt. Of being rejected. Of being a failure. Of being a disappointment. Of being a girl with emotional baggage. Of forgetting who I am. Of not knowing where I went wrong and where I’m headed. I don’t care anymore. I give up on trying. If shit comes to me then so be it. But I know it will always leave. And I can try and take a chance and be spontaneous and try not to care and just have some spur of the moment fun but it’s always going to hurt later on when I’m alone. Because ile get that familiar feeling…the one where u got what you wanted but it turned out to not be what you wanted at all because u want more. I know people don’t like different. People like safe and normal. I’m not trying to be different or interesting to anyone. But all those negative thoughts that I keep telling myself…I’m starting to believe it and nothing else. I used to want attention from certain people but like I said, I got tired of keeping up with those people who I was completely invisible to. I don’t care. Plus high school is coming to an end and nobody is going to remember me then and I will get to be more alone. Ile get to be free and open with myself. Ile get to start over with people and have a “fresh start” and then fuck up all over again. My friend gave up on me. He said that it’s like telling an anorexic person that they aren’t fat. No matter what they won’t believe you or stop starving themselves. He said he can’t fix my issue. That I will always be sad no matter what, even if I’m happy. But I don’t want to be fixed. I won’t know what to be anymore if I’m fixed. I want to see how many good people are out there…people who will handle me and keep me in their lives no matter how fucking weird I seem to them. Because I mean, let’s admit it, weird people are weird, and even I don’t wana be around them sometimes. I don’t even wana be around me. So it takes a lot for a person to accept you for you. If someone can be that open minded with me and genuine, you know you have good people in your life. I just don’t want to be cheated on or lied to or taken advantage of. I wana see how far I can go from my mind. I wana see what I turn out like a couple years from now and how the world and people have molded me into tiny little parts of it. It’s like I grow from everything and everyone around me but I also feel like my something inside me gets emptier. You know I realized it takes one person to change everything in ur life. If you find someone who can make you happy, even if they don’t know it, they can completely change your world upside down and motivate you and keep you happy and hyper and show you a direction in your life where you can have a reason to wake up out bed and start a new day. Some people can make you view life in a completely different way as if you’re living in two different worlds and you wonder how can someone be so happy when you’re over here so sad. Like, how can we be around the same thing and feel nothing alike? And then they leave. And you’re broken again. No matter how hard you try to convince your mind and even if you do succeed, you can’t force your heart not to feel something that it does.
Damn I’m tired. But the good kind of tired. The kind where u come home exhausted not mentally but actually physically tired and ur room is a fucking mess and theres clothes and paint and makeup all over but u don’t give a shit…u just knock out. keeping busy seems to be the best and worst thing ever because u don’t have time to think about anything else but time flashes by quick in front of ur eyes. There is no time for life. Is this how it is for workaholics? They do the same shit everyday and u can’t even tell the difference when the day has passed and the new one has come. U don’t get to think or get caught up in ur day dreams. Ur just a blank mind, practically a machine. And then when u go home ur too tired to think. To tired to care to look at ur non existent phone calls and ur empty inbox to be reminded that ur lonelier than ever. U fucking sleep. Thats just amazing…to be tired and for once be able to get rest. I wish I didn’t want anything so that I could be less restless and anxious and more of a nothing. That way I would have no worries. But I’m good at nothing I do so I’m barely ever busy. More like just lost in my own thoughts unfortunately.
As the smoke appears my chaotic thoughts disperse within the fog that I exhaled out to make me forget that I can never ever get what I want. I want “this” like iv never wanted anything before even though this feeling has visited me numerous times during the growth of my life with people who mean nothing now, but then my mind catches a sudden break that takes me in suprise from the quick and exiciting day dreams I have of you. What if I got what I wanted? What if me pursuing you was accomplished? Then what? We are so good at focusing on the worst thing that the positive side seems so unimaginative. But I feel like I would still fail, like how everybody else fails by being with someone else, because they never know how to keep up with their wish when it comes true. The idea of rejection makes me feel like a ugly little turtle wanting to hide away from the harshness of the world so that nobody can step all over my sensitive inner self and cause to much pain. Im too content with this loneliness to risk it for 5 seconds of the idea that someone wants to make me happy. You just know that it won’t last. I wonder if this is always going to occur? That I will be more occupied in the idea of wanting someone than actually being with someone. That I will forget how you truly treat a decent human being because I would be so caught up in my own head and my own fictional ideas that I lash out my bitterness on the wrong soul. But people are so good at being fake and happy, like they can almost make you feel like they are aloud to make you feel the way they make you feel. But feelings are supposed to be controlled by oneself. They act like they can get what they want out of you and then just leave because they got what they wanted or they didnt get satisfied enough. I don’t understand the use of why we need someone so much at times, but I don’t feel like coming up with more questions about just simple human nature when I know I will get no answers. Things are just the way they should be. Apparenlty lust means nothing but its the easiest and closest thing to becoming close with someone we like or love or whatever you wana call the feeling that has strangers even making the most miserable of us all happy. People are easy, people are sad, people are confused. Oh wait, maybe I’m just listing facts about myself lol. Oh well, I’m just going to wait for nothing to happen till I’m tired and find something bad about this person. Ugh, Idk why I’m so serious about things sometimes so much. I wish I could be like the rest of the kids out there who become joyful over just fucking around. Careless is the word. Im just over that shit. Im sadly one of those weird people who care too much. How can you care about nothing and no one? Idk, but my heart is making it seem like such a thing is possible. Just fucking around? Friends with benefits? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Labels just ruin the fun in everything; thats just typical and boring. If you know what you are then what else is there to do with your life. Then you’re just going to be focusing on other people too much. Maybe that’s why happy people are such cunts. Because they think they are perfection and know everything so they just end up talking shit about everyone and focus on why this person is always so depressing and emo all the time. What am I even talking about?
Oh gosh I just touched my fat roll, I feel like a fat hippo. Ugh, Ima go eat cookies.
This is my start of the day. Then I’le proly go cut myself and overdose on nyquil and pills till I knock out and start another whole depressing day. Im weird.
