Before/After
I am ugly inside and out.
I am sociably awkward with the people I want to talk to the most.
I am selfish and stubborn and moody and contradicting and confusing.
I try too hard in moments where I should just let things happen.
I take advantage of people and things even though I know better to do so.
I suck at showing my true feelings.
Im a cutter. My body isnt all that great. Im really insecure and conscious.
I get too many chances from people.
Im never happy and Im bitter and I get jealous and angry quick
I dont think I will ever feel like a good person no matter how many good actions I do.
Im honest to people but I dont always tell them everything Im thinking.
Im so incredibly bored with my life that Im willing to give it up.
I complain too much.
I dont deserve anything except any form of pain.
Daaammmm im listening to some oldddd asss songssss, which my first bf introduced me to lol. This shit bringing back some major memories. I can feel like im there back in middle school. Dam, those days I had so much to look forward to. Life is nothing compared to how it used to be before. The excitement is gone. People are mean. Half the things I do, I do because Im bored. What happened? Dam what fucking changed? Those are some fucking moments I will never be able to let go of. Shit, Im way too deep in the past. No matter how many years go by I will never seem to get over it.
Tommorow will be 5 years since my my grandma died. The only family member I was the closest to. And in a couple days it will be 3 years since my ex passed. Fuck, time goes by hella fast. My heart is dying to go back to those people in my past. Its like they never even existed. I would go through all that hurt over again. Dam thats when I would be trying to figure out the meaning of love. Thats when I was so fucking excited for my future, to have a career, to fucking get married, I just had so many things to look forward to.
Now everythings so bland and I feel like Iv blended in with the people who I surround myself with everyday. Feelings are indifferent. People are careless. Most of all people are fucking assholes. And Im just slowly molding into that type of character that I despise. There really is nothing else to do over here. Id give up anything to feel that anticipation and excitement for life all over again.
I feel insane when I haven’t cut because my mind is constantly thinking about slitting my wrists or thighs at any little thing that brings me down. Iv turned cutting into a comfortable habit for many years and each time I cut, I’m never satisfied because I know I deserve to hurt myself more than I am allowing myself to hurt physically. I’m not ashamed to cut or embarrassed nor do I think anything much of it except its just a tiny part of me that reminds me every once in a while that I am a pathetic person who can’t fake that I’m happy. I can be fooling others but I’m not fooling myself. I dont like talking about it though. I dont like confrontation. I dont ever have anything to say about myself and why i do what I do. It’s the side of me where I hurt myself because of guilt, because I feel like shit, because I deserve it, because I haven’t let out what I need to say so I lash out on myself. Its a way of letting me know I’m not as good of a person I may want to be. There can be many reasons for why I cut. Ile never have a correct answer for why. Sometimes having no reason is even a good enough reason to cut. I blame myself for all the mistakes made. Right now I want to scratch my skin dry until it tears red so I can feel it burning for days. I want my arm to be ripped open. Abusing myself probably makes me feel more human than I do when I’m surrounded by so many people and I feel like something is still missing. It lets me put my gaurd down and feel okay to be weak for a small moment. I’m always searching for what I’m good for. I guess I’m good at hurting myself. Iv never stopped because no one has ever stopped me. I gave up crying out for attention or help a really long time ago when I realized people don’t give a shit. So I don’t expect anything out of people. I have been cutting for longer than most people have stayed in my life. Iv belittled myself so much sometimes I become shocked or taken aback when people become so affectionate and nice and they learn to get over things and they forgive and they give out hugs and sometimes I forget that that kind of kindness exists out there and I never know how to react. Sometimes I can be content with myself. Things aren’t as bad as they seem. But then one little thing happens and all these feelings of anger and sadness rush out and I just want to be so mean to my body.
Sometimes I forget how much freedom and luck I have in my life. It’s silly, sometimes I let this depression get to me too much. I become so fucking weak and sensitive, like a dumb little whiny girl. before this, iv always been filled with greed. Iv always been the spoiled brat who loves materialistic things and never even gave a second glance to other people. Its like I’m a completely different person when I’m sad and when I cut. Its not the best side of me. Its the sympathetic bitter lonely and human side of me. But sometimes I snap out of that and rmbr my whole goal in life, which is to make something out of my life for myself. I don’t want to be controlled by some boy or my parents or my emotions. I want to know that even when I lose something, that there will always be a replacement. Iv always cared about money. Its given me so much more than what people can offer. Losing it hurts just as much as losing a person lol. I forgot how much I can enjoy people when I’m not busy focusing on my insecurities. Maybe I become too over-confident and cocky. I don’t know, but I don’t even understand why I’m always so full of self doubt and hatred. I have everything and can have much more if I wanted. Im not really ugly either. I think. Well…eh lol. I mean iv never really cared about what people think of me. If I was filled with this passion for life everyday I could have accomplished so much. Depression brings a person down so much. It makes life go by so slow and makes u feel so alone. It always come back. This loneliness, this depression, the cutting, the addictions, the suicidal thoughts, the feeling to go back to bulimia. Its so much easier to hide behind objects instead of showing ur true self to another human being who genuinely doesn’t give a fuck. I don’t even realize when I let other people hurt me so much. I can breaks hearts just as easily. I shouldn’t be scared of anything. I shouldn’t hold back so much either. People are not as powerful as we make them to be. Its just when I’m down, I’m soo down. But when I’m actually inspired and happy, I’m way to happy and I just wana go out and learn and be spontaneous. Either way, I cant control my feelings and when they will come and pass. If I can prove to myself I’m good for something, peoples opinions are the last thing that will matter to me or bother me.
I just wana scream at the top of my lungs and let out this anger and resentment that’s filled inside of me and I just want to cry and sob like a fucking baby to let out this numbness that iv used as a reason to scar my skin. Its this feeling of desperation that eats you alive knowing there’s no one out there not even yourself who can make you feel better. If I could use all this time iv wasted an instead helped myself become a better person and go on the right path, my life and my perspective on it would be so different. I’m slowly just falling apart as a human being who has no love for oneself but I know I deserve better but I can’t fight this feeling of helplessness and I cant get rid of this loneliness. And you just look back and wonder when did I allow my life to become so pointless and where in it did the meaning and excitement of life go? What do I have to look forward to except more pain and disappointments. Iv had two friends, who made it seem so fucking easy to end their lives. And I don’t know how the fuck they did it. I just wana drive far away from here. I wana be careless and drive far away and maybe just drive off a fucking bridge and just end this dam misery that I’m putting myself through. Im not asking for anybody to care. Im not trying to seek attention. I just want to put an end to this restlessness. Humanity doesn’t allow me a chance to go back and start fresh. You just have to build yourself up from being a nothing, a nobody. Theres so many questions that run through my mind and I can go my whole life without finding me answers. I feel too young to be going through this torture but then I feel selfish to think I even deserve this when there are so many others out there in worst situations. Or does it even matter if we all end up with a broken heart on who deserves what and whose better than who. We’re all equal if we have no one or nothing. I don’t live my life based on my past but I don’t live it to look forward to the next day either. Therefore, if I have no purpose of living, then whats the point?
I feel like happiness is a drug I can rarely get my hands on. I get this overwhelming rush of feelings where I know it wont last so I try not to get too much of it but once I let myself take in the feelings I’m getting im hooked and I’m attached and attachment can only lead to heartbreak. Its like with happiness, so many things go through your mind and ur eyes open up to new things and you become caring and…happy and at the same time afraid of this effect not lasting long enough and you just want more of it. Its so temporary but it makes you feel like ur on top of the world but then just fall right back down.
You shouldn’t blame yourself for not living up to a persons expectations. You shouldn’t bring yourself down because someone else forgot the value of a persons feelings. Instead, take a good look at the person who hurt you…u are probably going to feel sorry for them more than u have ever felt sorry for urself and it will open ur eyes to how pathetic and equally fucked up they are as you, maybe even more. They have a past too an its not our responsibility to keep up with what they have been through but everyone has been hurt. And those failures and rejections and shit have molded a person into who they are when they are with you. They may not even notice it or mean it but they are going to make choices that don’t hurt them again the same way they were hurt before…which is understandable. But that can mean hurting u before it ever hurts them. Some people are really big deuce bags and they know it. I don’t get though why they think thats okay or what’s there to be proud of. But they probably arent even thinking clearly half the time they are with u because they are thinking about themselves more. You really, are not as important as u wish you were to that person. That’s why its so easy for them to hurt u. Because people don’t hurt other people unless they really truly care for them. So take this all in. And get over it. You know you will get over it, eventually. When that is, I don’t know. It can be forever. But u no u will get over it someday. Maybe not completely but enough for u to move on. The sooner you realize this, the better. Theres no need to find faults in who u are. Rejection is embarrassing but everyone has gone though it. But think about the other person who fucked u up. They aren’t left with much either. Sooner or later they will realize they don’t have much. I can’t promise they will miss u or regret hurting u though. But when they choose to step out ur life, let them leave and rot in hell with their own problems. Trust me, someone else will come and hurt them twice as much as u wish u could. They wil get what they deserve later. Its going to happen. So don’t be mad at them or hate urself. Just distract urself, do whatever u can to get over it. U deserve way better.
So I started to talk to this boy that I met in summer school two years ago and we would flirt and stuff but things never got anywhere. We just started talking like a couple weeks ago and have only hung out twice. I’m getting the affection that I have been craving for so many years and he’s absolutely perfect to me…but perfect is too good for me. How do I share a part of myself when I am always putting myself down and I really think nothing of myself. I want to give him the best part of me but its going to take time and patience to open me up and why should he wait for me? I’m not his responsibility and I am a working progress but he could easily leave and not deal with my shit. I want to tell him, I promise if you give me some time it will be worth it. But I’m confused of what he thinks of me. I don’t want my feelings to be a waste and I’d rather he tell me he’s not interested than to keep my hopes up. I want to try new things with someone, like maybe a relationship. Am I even girlfriend material. I don’t know anymore how to give affection but I really want to make him feel worthy. I love it when he touches my skin but I have been treating my body like shit so why would he love it? You get so used to being alone and although u hate loneliness it becomes comfortable to your mind. Lately my heart has been restless. The little things and the way he touches me…I don’t think he knows what he’s doing to me or how much it means. I mean, if he leaves i will get over it. Iv gotten over a lot of things. But I really hope I don’t have to get over it. I wish I could see him more often so that he could see I’m not always a downer and I can be a happy person and sociable with people. Its just weird and unexplainable..how a small kiss can bring up so many feelings and its like it could mean nothing to him but to me its kind of forcing me to open up. Makes me wonder, why does he want me? What is going through his head? I may be boring but I want to be boring with him. He gets my heart beating super fast and my body heat up so fast. I think I’m going to ignore him though lol. Too scared for rejection so I might as well avoid him. I don’t think he would notice. He needs to understand, I’m not just some ordinary girl. Im a lot of work. But I would love to make him feel special. I suck at showing feelings though. I hate how he hasn’t even done much to me or for me but I’m already feeling too many feelings. I’m just enjoying these distractions while they last.
