Nobody ever cares what you have been through
Subtle lines are the only way you can get anybody to notice
Your scars become a reflection of your unhappiness
Hoping someday someone will understand your pain
Even if you haven’t spoken a word
Everyone needs something to comfort them when u have nothing
Blades and knives become our closest friends
And red becomes our favorite color
It’s symbolic for anger but to me it means relief
Its the only way I can get rid of my grief
The sting is only lasting for a brief moment
Isnt it pathetic how much we would rather hurt our selves
Than deal with human beings
Who were the ones to hurt us in the beginning
Seems like there’s nothing better for people to do
Than to destroy innocent hearts who just want to feel complete
We grow up dreaming
Suddenly things start to blur and ur hope starts to become less
Than it did the day before
And dreams distort into night mares
And night mares cause you to fake insomnia
So that you don’t have to sleep and face your fears
Instead you bring out the beers and pop a couple pills
And you cut.
-maham c.
I love weed :D
But I’m serious…
Just felt I should share that with you guys.
hello followers :)
This random guy…is awsome :))) and he’s the cutest brownie eveerrrr ;)
This morning, there’s going to be no smoking weed, no popping pills, no ciggs, no cutting, no buying energy drinks or fattening star bucks or any food. I finally got some decent sleep last night and after yesterday’s bad trip, I am finally starting to feel like a human being for a second. I forgot what sober feels like. I forgot why people would rather choose to feel hurt rather than feel numb off of medications. It feels good to be able to feel. I don’t just want nothing in my system right now. Trying to not face the boring reality can be exhausting. Iv been overly eating and my guts getting huge. Iv done nothing for the past 3 days.
It’s like every aching muscle screams at me to give up. All these bottled up emotions in me are going to benefit me in no way and I’m going to end up with a irresponsible unhealthy and ugly lifestyle. I hate those kind of hurts where you can actually feel your heart aching inside your chest. And you really can’t even find the energy to put on a smile.
I’m so depressed.
There is no purpose of life. There really isn’t. People are dumb and make dumb decisions all the time. There is nobody out there who makes me feel safe. I think I’m going to feel alone forever. Even if I wrote a list down of the perfect man and found someone with every matching quality and everything looked good from another’s p.o.v, I would most likely still feel empty. And I’m fed up with this false hope shit. People who only take advantage of other’s or things always get things given to them so easily. And it’s like nowadays nobody minds who gets hurt..it’s just a matter of who gets hurt first.
I really want to feel deserving enough to look in the mirror and not feel conscious for a moment of my flaws or of my body. I feel fat and sad and lonely and tired and high and apathetic and depressed and bitter and disgusting and worthless and empty. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I don’t want to go to some dam therapist or a stupid cutter’s support group or any of that.
Dam. I just had a orgasm in my mouth of pure chocklatey heaven. I got chips ahoy double chunky chocolate chip cookies. And I put the cookie in my mouth and it felt like it was he biggest cookie in the world. And I chewed it. And it tasted like a mixture of chocolate and weed. And the cotton mouth made eating seem like a adventure. And it made me feel amazing. And when i was eating it each crunch was like music to my ears, like everything else dissapeared, and was only focuses on the cookies. Like, I literally saw clouds around me. And I’m smiling so big. You don’t understand how happy that cookie made me guys. Omg I’m so fucking happy right now.
Before/After
I dont believe I will find anyone ever again who knows me so well, who can finish my sentence before I even say it or tolerate my complicated personality. I don’t even think people even look past my looks. I already know I’m going to get hurt by some person that I’m attracted too way before anything even happens. I can’t imagine someones heart rate getting higher for me. I don’t feel like a person, I feel like a robot. Like, I would love to fall in love but people these days only want to hurt you. I dont think I even know what to do with the opposite sex anymore. I’m just so comfortable being alone, I don’t know exactly what I’m worth or what I deserve. What exactly goes through a persons mind when they see me? Someone so perfect could give me the slightest attention out of their day and I wouldn’t know what to do with it. Like, iv never felt like someone ever actually liked me, even if they said it. Or even if I believed them, I didn’t feel it. I feel empty. I guess I dont think theirs anyone out there for me. I don’t mind waiting though. I could think about someone who doesn’t even exist all day. I’m too afraid to get close to anyone anyways. Iv barely been in a real relationship. I always feel like the fuck up just because I’m being myself. I just don’t want anything meaningless. That doesn’t mean I want a boyfriend necessarily. There’s just too many meaningless relationships of all kinds out there. Just cuz I want something so bad doesn’t mean I will ever get it. Eh, I dont even know what I want but that’s okay because I’m a girl and we never know what we want.
The part of my body I hate the most is my thighs. Their just so big and they always stick out more than my whole body. It makes me uncomfortable to stare at them in the mirror and when I walk in shorts, my thighs always rub against each other and it’s so flabby. There’s just so much to grab there, who would want to touch all that? I’m really dreading going back to school, being around people, using my energy and all that. First off I’m a lazy fuck and second I haven’t worn jeans really this whole break. Iv been comfy and been wearing lose clothes and I only chill with friends who I want to be around or iv been in my home by myself where no one can judge me. When I’m on cocaine I don’t even think about food. But this last couple of days I haven’t been on drugs really, only some alcohol, but iv been eating like crazy. I’m huge! I cant control it. Now I feel disgusting. My mom told me she wants my new years goal to be that I will eat less and be skinny for college. I bitched her out. Skinny feels good. I like grabbing my stomach and feeling it flat and feeling light. But I hate it when others touch my waist. No, I don’t want anyone to touch me, I don’t want anyone to notice me, I wana pass by invisible this last semester of school and move on.
I am ugly inside and out.
I am sociably awkward with the people I want to talk to the most.
I am selfish and stubborn and moody and contradicting and confusing.
I try too hard in moments where I should just let things happen.
I take advantage of people and things even though I know better to do so.
I suck at showing my true feelings.
Im a cutter. My body isnt all that great. Im really insecure and conscious.
I get too many chances from people.
Im never happy and Im bitter and I get jealous and angry quick
I dont think I will ever feel like a good person no matter how many good actions I do.
Im honest to people but I dont always tell them everything Im thinking.
Im so incredibly bored with my life that Im willing to give it up.
I complain too much.
I dont deserve anything except any form of pain.
So this is what I look like after I wake up from my beauty nap. LOl. No makeup, glasses, hair fucked up, bummin to the extreme lol. The weather was so nice and cold this morning I just couldnt get out of bed man. I basically woke up when school ended. I havent decorated my room in so long, so it is ugly and plain. Yes, that is priyanka chopra in the background. I put that up when I was like 11. Been to lazy to take it off since then. I guess Im a fob at heart ha!
Anywho, I completely understand if I lose followers after I put up this pic baha. Maybe Ile put a more nicer pic of me tom.
