Today has been a day filled with smoking for no reason (I’m getting bored off of my highs), draggin my high ass to high school, trying to console my friends second miscarriage, trying to stop my friend from cutting who doesn’t know I’m a cutter (so I have the perfect words to prevent her cuz I know how she feels but it isn’t easy on either of us), having an emotional breakdown, cutting, purging, crying, and a whole lot of nothing. I hate days like these, where your emotions just creep up on you without any warning and having the oh so wonderful gift of your monthly cycle during that moment doesn’t help calm your feelings down any better either. I’m just a mess. To everyone I may look mad, sad, happy, tired, whatevr. But I feel like a mess regardless of how I present myself. And today was just a terrible and useless day. I was starting to have suicidal thoughts again. They had went away for a while but I just had a strong urgue to wana end it today. What do we losers do when we are too afraid to kill ourselves? We hurt ourselves.
You know what I really want to feel? I want to feel awake. I want to feel that freshness when I wake up where I am like, it’s okay, I broke down the previous day but things are better now. Tears washed down my temporary emotions for another time and I can be happy with myself again. But it’s been a minute since I actually felt that redemption. It’s a cycle of emotions that just get worse each time you have the pleasure or the horror of experiencing them. It’s unhealthy being sensitive. I felt like I was being cornered by my emotions and I was alone and confused as to how I can have so many friends but not feel safe enough to go to someone for help. Cuz I need help. There’s not many times I have someone to bring me back to my senses. Normally it’s just me pushing aside my emotions because I’m fed up with them for the day. They always find a way back to me. Now I know what my friend was talking bout when she said she doesn’t want to feel like she needs fixing; like she doesn’t have a problem. It’s kinda scary.
So there’s this guy. Who I used to like way back last year. He kinda hurt me, it started off with something I said, so we stopped talking. Some people can’t handle the truth I guess. Typical asshole/ druggie/ deadbeat. But I mean, he was very good at playing with insecure girls feelings, so of course, I fell for it. Cuz he told me what a insecure girl liked to hear. We had this big argument, watever, over drugs and sex and shit and he stopped talking to me, just like…out of the blue. Like, I was dead to him. I was nothing. Do you know how small a person feels when you make a nobody feel too insignificant to even be labeled as a nobody? Very tinnyyyy. Sooo some tears were spilled and some new scars were made and time passed and that anger turned into sadness and that sadness turned into indifference and soon I got over it. It actually isn’t as serious as it sounds on here lol but ya. Like 6 months later or shit, this guy has the nerve to just tell me he misses me and be all sweet and kiss my ass. In the midst of our conversation, I come to find out that he doesn’t remember shit on why we stopped talking and I’m just like uhhhh…. what? That’s how fucked up you were…that you don’t even rmbr our convo. that made us stopped talking for like half a year? Like what did you think happened? His answer was “idk” and he wasn’t even sober. Like, I guess it’s funny when you talk about it out loud but sort of a slap in the face as well. You made me feel like shit because I opened up to you about your dumb habits and your horny ass doesn’t remember anything and your habits are still the same. Like shit, I wasted so much time being mad. This is why you just need to let people do whatever the fuck they want and if they end up in a fuckin casket then it’s all their fault. Same goes for my hypocritical ass. Anyways, maybe I can be dramatic at times cuz I’m a girl, but then again I can be easy going as well, so if I trip over something, it’s only cuz I’m watching out for you. Maybe some people just don’t know how to react when they finally have someone care for them.. eeyy-deee-kaayy… But I mean, as stupid as he made me feel, I don’t think he realizes how stupid he’s making himself look in front of me. That’s not really attractive and that does not make me want you back. I don’t understand why this happens. People always hurt me and then they leave me and then come back whenever they feel like it. Wtf do I look like? At least I’v learned to keep my mouth shut.
So I’m supposed to be taking acid for the first time this weekend with my friend but after being distressed all day and wanting to kill myself and drive myself into insanity while I’m sober, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for acid. It’s funny, I come to find out more and more of my friends have taken it. But I mean, I admit, I’m a bit weak-minded and will probably drive myself into a bad trip. Maybe it’s not for me. Idk, but I’m still debating on that. My mom keeps annoying me by asking me if I’m okay and why I look so sad and tired. Thanks for asking, really, but I don’t know wtf I’m supposed to say to you mom. Just leave me alone, you’re not the person to talk to. Id rather talk to a cat.
I’m miserable. Goodnight.
Nobody ever cares what you have been through
Subtle lines are the only way you can get anybody to notice
Your scars become a reflection of your unhappiness
Hoping someday someone will understand your pain
Even if you haven’t spoken a word
Everyone needs something to comfort them when u have nothing
Blades and knives become our closest friends
And red becomes our favorite color
It’s symbolic for anger but to me it means relief
Its the only way I can get rid of my grief
The sting is only lasting for a brief moment
Isnt it pathetic how much we would rather hurt our selves
Than deal with human beings
Who were the ones to hurt us in the beginning
Seems like there’s nothing better for people to do
Than to destroy innocent hearts who just want to feel complete
We grow up dreaming
Suddenly things start to blur and ur hope starts to become less
Than it did the day before
And dreams distort into night mares
And night mares cause you to fake insomnia
So that you don’t have to sleep and face your fears
Instead you bring out the beers and pop a couple pills
And you cut.
-maham c.
You know what thought keeps becoming more convincing inside my head? The fact that there is literally nothing I’m good enough for and everything I’m trying to be good at will only be just a small phase of failures that the rest of these stupid teenagers are also trying to be good at. Everyone is trying to think differently and be different but they all look the same to me and all just fucking confuse me. Are these the type of people that are suppose to keep me happy to be alive? Other people who want to continue to fuck up their mentality and also wana kill themselves. Maybe they can handle whatever situation they put themselves into but I’m just straight up …not interest in shit and I get easily overwhelmed. Everyone questions everything, everyone has their own little perspective and shit. What happens when I’m in my own little bubble and living my life through my oblivious point of view?…someone fucken fucks it up. I’m so fucking annoyed by everything and everyone and even myself. Every time I think I’m good at something, I feel like my effort is just wasted. Every time I feel like I found a believable answer to comfort myself in the moment (even if it’s not true) someone has to come fuck it up for me. I can’t even be the best fuck up out there. I’m a failure at being a failure and that makes me feel pathetic. I feel like closing off ppl from my life is making me close minded. I learned its just best to keep your opinions to yourself. Not so you don’t piss others off but so that others don’t piss u off. I just don’t wana deal with shit. I just wana keep the things that make me smile and focus on that for as long as I can because it really never does last that long. Even my friends start to notice that everyone leaves me. There’s never gona be that moment of satisfaction inside me for something I did or said. Life’s just a piece of shit and I will never win. There’s always a feeling of competition and its with the most unexpected people that I feel it with. Ya, we’re all full of curiosity and people can do whatever the fuck pleases them. I started dressing bummier, I started gaining weight, I don’t even have energy to make a effort to look good, I’m always tired, I hate the feeling of nostalgia because it makes me really miss times that I thought I was happy in. I mean I remember not being happy for the longest time but for some reason the past still looks better than right now and I realize it’s not because I was happy then but because I’m just getting sadder right now. I’m devastatingly bored. You become so angry and turn into a little kid throwing tantrums and becoming bitter and mean just because you don’t get what you want but you get to watch other people care about others and you just wonder why the fuck you can’t get that. There are people who are smart or outgoing or whatever and like how the fuck do I become that? Or how did I turn into this? Maybe I’m better off because i can’t keep up with peoples minds and the regular ways of how you act with someone because I feel like I’m so awkward and the one person who sometimes can tell when I’m down and asks me what’s wrong I can’t talk to because she’s my mom and I don’t talk to her about problems that will cause more problems and I just feel like an emotional mess and I have nothing to keep me happy and I have no reason to care. Even these complaints sound repetitive. Sometimes I feel like I have potential and I can make people happy but that feeling disappears so quickly when self doubt shows up. When I see that there are so many better people than me who seem to know what they are talking about and even if they don’t make sense at least they are content with the way they see things I just lose all sense of happiness that I worked for. It’s like I take one step forward and end up with two steps back and its exhausting working your way back up to being content with urself. I’m not good at talking about feelings. I’m good at hiding my feelings behind a computer screen and tearing my skin with blades I get from shaving razors. Sometimes I trip over shit that shouldn’t be focused on so much. But if I don’t like the way I feel about something then I can’t help it. I can’t figure out what it is that I need but I don’t wana continue to be as uptight as I can be at times. I don’t know…maybe it’s not certain matters that piss me off or what people say but the fear of what it will lead to afterwards. Its all fun and games until there’s some sort of loss, which usually there always is.
Lately, I only find satisfaction in hurting myself.
I get tired of hiding scars. I really don’t care who see’s it. My urges to continue to cut more and more just increase but I get tired of thinking before it. Nobody really wants to be around someone with scars on them. It can be awkward. Too much judging goes on. But at least my parents don’t know. Ile just continue to do as I please.
This is my start of the day. Then I’le proly go cut myself and overdose on nyquil and pills till I knock out and start another whole depressing day. Im weird.
Pain comes in so many forms and leaves you with nothing but exhaustion and distress. You can feel it tugging on ur heart strings, almost like your heart is getting ready to be pulled out and all ur emotions just spill out in a bloody mess for others to mock what you held inside ur precious chest. Quick breathing progress louder as the panic attack slowly creeps up on you. You start sobbing. Silent sobbing. Then the silence turns into loud angry crying. And you leave the trail of blackened tears run from ur darkened eyes down to your chin. You consider wearing waterproof mascara next time but you don’t care how ugly you look. Let the world see what they did to you. Show them what they think is ugly from the outside is only a hint of the wreck ur from the inside. You pick up a clean tissue to wipe the mess away so you can look like u have no problems but the Kleenex piles up as the tears don’t stop and the snot drips down you like a little child with a cold. Your going to pass out from the pressure of crying too hard and for a few hours, the world, the problems, the people won’t exist. You’re safe. Then the next morning you will wake up and remember everything you went through the night before and the feeling of guilt, shame, grief will find its way back to you. You will be out of tears but you’re heart won’t fail to feel that devastation and pain again that puts you down so much. At the same moment you want forgiveness, you want freedom, you want a physical presence to just hold you and tell you to stop and get yourself together. But people never have time for other people these days. There’s no one. People are so busy with their false sense of happiness that they can’t even tell when someone needs them. You will never be put first in somebody else’s life because they only think about what makes them happy. So you continue to just deal with the pain that settles in you and leaves you with a strong sense of fatigue and numbness. Its like you are high but without an actual illegal substance. You are just out of it. You are just so hurt you dont know whats going on and you refuse to look past anything that doesn’t create pain. You want to do nothing. You don’t want to move. You don’t want to eat. You don’t want to talk. You don’t want drugs. You don’t want to try anything.
Maybe I have been using the phrase “I feel like killing myself” too often around and meaning it less only because I know I can’t convince my body to match my thoughts and physically get my body to do what my mind wants to do to myself.
“If you really want to kill yourself, in your heart, if you truly do, you will do it”
“You can’t be a counselor and try to fix people by telling them to cut themselves to solve their problems”
“Ew, I wouldn’t want to be around such a depressed person like that”
This is the kind of shit that my ears have to suffer through for 45 minutes of a dumb class with dumb ignorant cunts who like to spill all their business out for the whole fucking class to hear. First off, if you have a friend going through a problem like this, respect their privacy and keep your shit to yourself. Second off, do you even realize how you could be triggering others with a topic like this? Nope. Really, if you can’t help someone then just leave them the fuck alone to help themselves. It’s pretty unfair for people to say that some people don’t want to even fix themselves or they just want attention. Ya, that could be one true side of a situation because some people are just fucking crazy but then if a person is still self harming themselves then they probably haven’t found a reason to change even if they wanted to. Maybe a part of wanting to end your life line could have something to do with wanting people aware of how hurt you are but there are some smart people out there who do know that people don’t give a shit what you do to your life, as long as it doesn’t affect them and it becomes less about attention. But really, it takes fucking balls to kill yourself. Do you really want to spend your time contemplating if a person is doing it for attention or if they really mean it? Cuz you would just be pushing someone’s buttons and making it worse. And also, if they don’t end it, maybe they are holding on to a tiny piece of hope because life isn’t so bad as the people in it. Yes suicide threats do become a burden to others and people get tired of having their emotions fucked around and always being scared of losing someone.
I mean, really, I don’t see life as something so purposeful since there are so many people coming and going every second that we live like it’s nothing. False feelings pass through by so many insignificant bitches and our bodies are used so irresponsibly like whore machines to produce another generation of failures and skanks. I really wish that everything I heard from people went through one ear and out the other without any change of feelings in myself. It would make things sooo much easier to care about only the things that you wanted to care for.
I have had my ignorant moments too and really I feel like anything anyone says will never make complete sense or someone is going to get pissed off and that’s why I just prefer to not face these kind of matters and I think that is what everybody else does which is how the meaning of life and death becomes less important until you actually are put in the situation to face the matter yourself. I honestly think that I have hid myself from the truth for a really long time now and living in such a safe environment keeps me feeling safe and away from the actual real craziness there is out there in the world. I just cannot deal with more assholes. Especially since I have had nothing else to do with my life except waste my thoughts alone, I have turned into a big softie always over-thinking and observing and I just am tired of all these close minded people. I just feel like everyone should shut up and mind their own business and I’m fine with acting like problems don’t exist because nobody deals with them anyways.
I believe that I am a nothing and will get nothing. The looks, the materials, the boys, the success. I am a waste of space. My feelings are rotting inside of my bitter heart. I am at a point where I should just be dead because even when I am happy, I become afraid, and when I am helpful I become anxious and restless. I’m a failure. When you’re nice you just end up having people walk all over you, leaving feelings of shame and humiliation. When you turn into a asshole suddenly people hate you for speaking up about the truth, which apparently nobody likes to be confronted about. Everyone seems to be so excited about going to college after high school. I believe life after I graduate will be a dull and scary wake up call for me, emphasizing the fact that I have spent years learning nothing and I seem to be lacking brains and dedication. I am a lazy piece of shit. Wtf am I even cutting for? I seem to be finding out so many people are cutting and the negative kind of attention they are getting is making me hate confrontation even more. I am uncomfortable talking about what I do to myself in person and there really is no excuse except that I deserve it, so just let me be since nobody can’t seem to like me for me, no matter how good or bad of a person I am. I don’t even know what people think of me and my habits but I prefer to not think about it or face it. It’s just, if this is what happens in high school, how much more worse could it get when you’re on your own in the real world? Shit, I don’t even know why I cut but it makes me consider worse options so that someone could realize one day that I really am feeling everything except happiness inside my body that seems to tighten my muscles up sore and burden me with more pressures of life. What could I do? Kill myself? Nah. Why? Because killing myself for being a failure would then forever label me as an even bigger failure. But then again it doesnt even matter. I just dont want to be like everybody else. But I can’t change the nature of humans and most things are just some thing every human has to go through so I have to shutup and deal with the lame fact that many people are going through the exact same thing as me. Some are just lucky to recieve help and have someone care for them. Some aren’t.
