Before/After
I just want a hug now and to sleep.
I feel insane when I haven’t cut because my mind is constantly thinking about slitting my wrists or thighs at any little thing that brings me down. Iv turned cutting into a comfortable habit for many years and each time I cut, I’m never satisfied because I know I deserve to hurt myself more than I am allowing myself to hurt physically. I’m not ashamed to cut or embarrassed nor do I think anything much of it except its just a tiny part of me that reminds me every once in a while that I am a pathetic person who can’t fake that I’m happy. I can be fooling others but I’m not fooling myself. I dont like talking about it though. I dont like confrontation. I dont ever have anything to say about myself and why i do what I do. It’s the side of me where I hurt myself because of guilt, because I feel like shit, because I deserve it, because I haven’t let out what I need to say so I lash out on myself. Its a way of letting me know I’m not as good of a person I may want to be. There can be many reasons for why I cut. Ile never have a correct answer for why. Sometimes having no reason is even a good enough reason to cut. I blame myself for all the mistakes made. Right now I want to scratch my skin dry until it tears red so I can feel it burning for days. I want my arm to be ripped open. Abusing myself probably makes me feel more human than I do when I’m surrounded by so many people and I feel like something is still missing. It lets me put my gaurd down and feel okay to be weak for a small moment. I’m always searching for what I’m good for. I guess I’m good at hurting myself. Iv never stopped because no one has ever stopped me. I gave up crying out for attention or help a really long time ago when I realized people don’t give a shit. So I don’t expect anything out of people. I have been cutting for longer than most people have stayed in my life. Iv belittled myself so much sometimes I become shocked or taken aback when people become so affectionate and nice and they learn to get over things and they forgive and they give out hugs and sometimes I forget that that kind of kindness exists out there and I never know how to react. Sometimes I can be content with myself. Things aren’t as bad as they seem. But then one little thing happens and all these feelings of anger and sadness rush out and I just want to be so mean to my body.
