Nobody ever cares what you have been through
Subtle lines are the only way you can get anybody to notice
Your scars become a reflection of your unhappiness
Hoping someday someone will understand your pain
Even if you haven’t spoken a word
Everyone needs something to comfort them when u have nothing
Blades and knives become our closest friends
And red becomes our favorite color
It’s symbolic for anger but to me it means relief
Its the only way I can get rid of my grief
The sting is only lasting for a brief moment
Isnt it pathetic how much we would rather hurt our selves
Than deal with human beings
Who were the ones to hurt us in the beginning
Seems like there’s nothing better for people to do
Than to destroy innocent hearts who just want to feel complete
We grow up dreaming
Suddenly things start to blur and ur hope starts to become less
Than it did the day before
And dreams distort into night mares
And night mares cause you to fake insomnia
So that you don’t have to sleep and face your fears
Instead you bring out the beers and pop a couple pills
And you cut.
-maham c.
Pain comes in so many forms and leaves you with nothing but exhaustion and distress. You can feel it tugging on ur heart strings, almost like your heart is getting ready to be pulled out and all ur emotions just spill out in a bloody mess for others to mock what you held inside ur precious chest. Quick breathing progress louder as the panic attack slowly creeps up on you. You start sobbing. Silent sobbing. Then the silence turns into loud angry crying. And you leave the trail of blackened tears run from ur darkened eyes down to your chin. You consider wearing waterproof mascara next time but you don’t care how ugly you look. Let the world see what they did to you. Show them what they think is ugly from the outside is only a hint of the wreck ur from the inside. You pick up a clean tissue to wipe the mess away so you can look like u have no problems but the Kleenex piles up as the tears don’t stop and the snot drips down you like a little child with a cold. Your going to pass out from the pressure of crying too hard and for a few hours, the world, the problems, the people won’t exist. You’re safe. Then the next morning you will wake up and remember everything you went through the night before and the feeling of guilt, shame, grief will find its way back to you. You will be out of tears but you’re heart won’t fail to feel that devastation and pain again that puts you down so much. At the same moment you want forgiveness, you want freedom, you want a physical presence to just hold you and tell you to stop and get yourself together. But people never have time for other people these days. There’s no one. People are so busy with their false sense of happiness that they can’t even tell when someone needs them. You will never be put first in somebody else’s life because they only think about what makes them happy. So you continue to just deal with the pain that settles in you and leaves you with a strong sense of fatigue and numbness. Its like you are high but without an actual illegal substance. You are just out of it. You are just so hurt you dont know whats going on and you refuse to look past anything that doesn’t create pain. You want to do nothing. You don’t want to move. You don’t want to eat. You don’t want to talk. You don’t want drugs. You don’t want to try anything.
Scars from her bleeding heart are engraved on her wrist and thighs
They tell a story about a hopeless romantic
Who loses love before she even gets the chance to fail at it
A meaningless soul drifitng amongst many others
All searching for something that they have created in their minds
But probably doesn’t exist in reality
Or maybe it does but it’s not ever as good as it should seem
The girl just wants to mourn
If their is no one to help
Let her help herself
By grieving over many a loss
Which left her crippled since a moment so long ago
The little girl is dead and left nothing but a pretty corpse for others to judge her by
Her favorite mask is the one that people are easily fooled from
Humor, which it is
Make someone laugh and they will never have time to focus on the pain.
-Maham C.
It’s crazy how cutting can give me such a high when Im completely sober. This is a habit I should have left a long time ago but now it is a part of me. It is painful and I do not even cut deep. I am not even trying to quit. I scratch over my cuts, cut over my cuts, bathe in burning hot water, and sometimes put rubbing alcoholic on it. The pain is unbearable for me. It’s enough to hurt me but not enough to kill me. For some reason, everytime I am about to cut it feels like it’s my first time all over again. But once I get that blade across my skin and I start to see the skin tear and blood rise, I become motivated to cut more, and that cutting becomes to slashing. My body trembles, my hands sweat, my arm becomes paralyzed and numb and it stings. I become so tired; the exhaustion is quick to put me to sleep and make me forget about all my problems. But it’s never enough. I always want more. I’m always left unsatisfied…I should have cut more, cut deeper. What are you afraid of? Why are you even cutting? It’s stupid. At least that’s what society claims it to be. It’s a cry for attention and you’re emo if you do it. Attention is the last thing I want. I found out a long time ago that I’m not worthy of anyone’s attention. If anything, I want to just be accepted as I am. Love me, love my scars. People do nothing but mock a person’s weakness. I do it to get rid of the guilt, to get rid of feeling like a dumb piece of shit, I do it because I deserve it, I do it because I’m addicted, I do it because it is a part of me. Sometimes I don’t care who knows what or who see’s my scars. Sometimes I care too much and I just want to be left alone. Regardless, I did it 3 years ago, I did it now, and I’m probably going to do it again soon enough.
Before/After
My dad is one of the main people who can trigger my emotions in less than a heart beat to the point where I just want to take a kitchen knife and bleed in front of him and be like “this is how you make me feel. I have to slit my wrists to drive my self sane from the lies and bullshit that u feed me everyday”. There is no relationship between us because he never puts his family first. There is no communication between us except for when I hear him talking complete trash about my mother or when he covers his lies with more lies. He acts like he cares but his actions show the complete opposite. I have more of a relationship with his wallet than himself. He’s not a man you know. He’s not worthy of what he has been given right now. And then. After this anger in me dies out, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and pity. And this guilt in me eats me alive and its a terrible feeling. I don’t feel guilt because I love him. I feel guilt because he’s a pathetic excuse of a man and he’s living such a unimportant life, it just hurts to watch him. I mean, he waited his whole life for this? Why is he here and letting us treat him this way? Why is he treating us like this? I feel guilt when I don’t see him as a dad but as a normal human being who has wasted so much time with people who have given up on him and he’s treated like a dog in this family. Only cause he caused it. I do not love him as a father but I can never hate anyone that much either. I want him to just leave us alone. Why is he here ruining everything? Why can’t he leave? We are giving him permission to live his life in peace. I don’t want anything from him anymore. He has set up a terrible example for me to look up to and a terrible example of how a man should treat his wife and family. Hes aways toying with my emotions and I feel like he’s grabbed my heart and ripped it out. We always argue before school, after school, all the time, over little shit. He does not understand me. He’s got me looking around at these young immature boys to fill in the void. Maybe someone else can give me affection and love me better than him. But today, for the first time, I forgot his birthday, and my heart sank because I lost track of time during the break and I hadn’t noticed the date. I barely rmbrd it was new years. He came up to me saying I forgot his birthday. I’m always making a big deal for my moms birthdays… I just felt like a loser and a horrible mean person. I felt like this was a bad sign that 2012 wasn’t going to be well because my family was falling apart. Like it wasn’t going to get better, only worse. My parents want to kill eachother and it makes me want to scream and rip out my hair and kill myself in front of them so that they can realize that I don’t want to be a part of their resentment. My mother said that she wanted to commit suicide because I remind her of the horrible man that my father is because we are apparently so alike… How could I forget his birthday? Even if its a fake smile that I offer him, I always wish him a happy bday. My mom hadnt even said anything to remind me. I know he treats me like nothing but I can’t go around treating someone like nothing also and if I ever make the mistake of doing so…I feel really bad and ashamed. And I feel so crushed and guilty right now. And the next day, ile probably be furious again. All these men are driving me crazy. I just realized I hurt myself when others hurt me. Why did things have to end up like this? Why couldn’t we be one happy family? That’s what happens when your brought up in a brown family…they act like problems never exist and will just disappear on their own.
Not to sound completely negative and I’m not saying that there will be no changes made in 2012 and that there is no hope, but for people who have been self harming for years and people who have eating disorders and people who have clinical depression or a eating disorder, a new year is probably already starting off as a failure because we haven’t changed and we know we aren’t gonna. We are going to be taking with us something from the past, a habit that started off small but became an addiction, and we are going to continue it this year also. I would love to say that I’m never gonna cut again but who am I kidding, happiness is only an illusion that will only temporarily last in my life, for a moment, and then reality will hit again. I’m sure there are people out there who are going to make big changes in their life too and quit being so down on themselves but theres also a lot of people who are going to be the same, if not worse. It’s hard to start off fresh when there are scars on our body to keep reminding us of what we think we are worth. I have big changes or accomplishments to look forward to next year but its hard to make it to that one day of happiness when there will be more days where I’m going to not want to live. But I am excited though. I’m a bit hopeful, not going to lie, for more days where I will be too happy to even think about cutting. I’m not used to that feeling but I kinda want to be, even though I know no matter what I’m always going to be a cutter and I know I have to get professional help to think straight and positively. But I’ve held on for so long, I can make it through another year. I think I can. I think we all can.
I hate when you want to cut deeper than you normally do for once and you sometimes are really close to putting an end to your life and physically there is nothing that is stopping you, but theres some sort of fear or guilt which is enough to stop you from making that really tiny action that could have severe consequences. As if its not bad enough that I already feel like a pathetic failure, but when I try to accomplish something I want so bad but I cant mentally get myself to do it, I just feel like more of a failure. It becomes annoying, because you cant get rid of that temptation to want to cut more and more and just jump in front of a car or pull the trigger or something. I feel like as if thats a sign, that Im going to be a failure at everything else too. That’s why I like being spontaneous. I get a rush off of doing things unplanned and knowing that I had guts to do it and I overcame cowardice and I get to experience new feelings and moments and theres this moment where your heart beats so fast in excitement and in fear that you feel like its about to rip out your chest. You get scared at first but you never regret it at the end. And Im hoping I can one day spontaneously have the balls to end it. Just put a stop. If Im not sober that would be more fun, because then I could die with the illusion that Im happy. I feel like drugs are an easy invitation to killing myself. Maybe thats why Im never afraid of how much I take. Doesnt it sound so good or tempting? Its like a fantasy. Once that fear dissapears, I can enjoy the rush of my own murder and I can have some peace of mind. It just sounds so good in my mind but….. planning your death just sounds ……. stupid.
I feel insane when I haven’t cut because my mind is constantly thinking about slitting my wrists or thighs at any little thing that brings me down. Iv turned cutting into a comfortable habit for many years and each time I cut, I’m never satisfied because I know I deserve to hurt myself more than I am allowing myself to hurt physically. I’m not ashamed to cut or embarrassed nor do I think anything much of it except its just a tiny part of me that reminds me every once in a while that I am a pathetic person who can’t fake that I’m happy. I can be fooling others but I’m not fooling myself. I dont like talking about it though. I dont like confrontation. I dont ever have anything to say about myself and why i do what I do. It’s the side of me where I hurt myself because of guilt, because I feel like shit, because I deserve it, because I haven’t let out what I need to say so I lash out on myself. Its a way of letting me know I’m not as good of a person I may want to be. There can be many reasons for why I cut. Ile never have a correct answer for why. Sometimes having no reason is even a good enough reason to cut. I blame myself for all the mistakes made. Right now I want to scratch my skin dry until it tears red so I can feel it burning for days. I want my arm to be ripped open. Abusing myself probably makes me feel more human than I do when I’m surrounded by so many people and I feel like something is still missing. It lets me put my gaurd down and feel okay to be weak for a small moment. I’m always searching for what I’m good for. I guess I’m good at hurting myself. Iv never stopped because no one has ever stopped me. I gave up crying out for attention or help a really long time ago when I realized people don’t give a shit. So I don’t expect anything out of people. I have been cutting for longer than most people have stayed in my life. Iv belittled myself so much sometimes I become shocked or taken aback when people become so affectionate and nice and they learn to get over things and they forgive and they give out hugs and sometimes I forget that that kind of kindness exists out there and I never know how to react. Sometimes I can be content with myself. Things aren’t as bad as they seem. But then one little thing happens and all these feelings of anger and sadness rush out and I just want to be so mean to my body.
I just wana scream at the top of my lungs and let out this anger and resentment that’s filled inside of me and I just want to cry and sob like a fucking baby to let out this numbness that iv used as a reason to scar my skin. Its this feeling of desperation that eats you alive knowing there’s no one out there not even yourself who can make you feel better. If I could use all this time iv wasted an instead helped myself become a better person and go on the right path, my life and my perspective on it would be so different. I’m slowly just falling apart as a human being who has no love for oneself but I know I deserve better but I can’t fight this feeling of helplessness and I cant get rid of this loneliness. And you just look back and wonder when did I allow my life to become so pointless and where in it did the meaning and excitement of life go? What do I have to look forward to except more pain and disappointments. Iv had two friends, who made it seem so fucking easy to end their lives. And I don’t know how the fuck they did it. I just wana drive far away from here. I wana be careless and drive far away and maybe just drive off a fucking bridge and just end this dam misery that I’m putting myself through. Im not asking for anybody to care. Im not trying to seek attention. I just want to put an end to this restlessness. Humanity doesn’t allow me a chance to go back and start fresh. You just have to build yourself up from being a nothing, a nobody. Theres so many questions that run through my mind and I can go my whole life without finding me answers. I feel too young to be going through this torture but then I feel selfish to think I even deserve this when there are so many others out there in worst situations. Or does it even matter if we all end up with a broken heart on who deserves what and whose better than who. We’re all equal if we have no one or nothing. I don’t live my life based on my past but I don’t live it to look forward to the next day either. Therefore, if I have no purpose of living, then whats the point?
I feel like happiness is a drug I can rarely get my hands on. I get this overwhelming rush of feelings where I know it wont last so I try not to get too much of it but once I let myself take in the feelings I’m getting im hooked and I’m attached and attachment can only lead to heartbreak. Its like with happiness, so many things go through your mind and ur eyes open up to new things and you become caring and…happy and at the same time afraid of this effect not lasting long enough and you just want more of it. Its so temporary but it makes you feel like ur on top of the world but then just fall right back down.
One of the worst and confusing feelings for me is after u get off a drug and you just realize how bad reality has really become. Its like you get reminded over again how little u have put into ur life. And you continue to observe how much people take their life for granted. I’m really irritated by insecurities and lately I feel like I’m surrounded by it. When people bring up their major drug related relationship problem death loss kinda issues…it just pulls me away from those people. I think if I were an animal I’d be a turtle cuz I would tend to hide under my shell away from society and problems. It is really hard for me to care when inside I feel nothing. Sometimes when I see how miserable some people are, theirs something in my mind that goes, “shit. Maham ur life is not as bad as theirs and even if it is do u really want to be as pathetic and self pitying as they are?” but then on the other hand, it can really become triggering to me and bring up a whole bunch of emotions iv held back over the years. Instead of being sympathetic, i become cold. I guess maybe because iv had to get over every issue by myself with no one to help me while all these other people get help from all these so called friends who really don’t care that much for them. Its like, if I can’t receive love why the fuck would I enjoy seeing someone un deserving to get it? I don’t know…maybe I’m just a bad person or maybe I just care about the wrong things and when someone actually needs help I’m too bitter to want to help because someone else hurt me. I can’t help wonder where did the value of life disappear? I feel like people have turned their life into one big sad excuse. It can’t be as bad as u turned it into. I mean, as we grow up, we can’t really blame our surroundings that much for who we are anymore…well I guess this sounds a big close minded so I change my mind on that. But I just meant to say that, as we turn into adults the consequences we face are going to be based off of our choices. Nobody can force us to do anything. And some people have the nerve to say that the next generation will be so fucked up. I mean why are you blaming the next generation for being fucked up when your the cause of it? Just like, why are u blaming other people and situations in ur life for being the reason ur life has turned into such a fail? Don’t act like u can’t change it. Half these high school kids walk around with their big mouth taking pride in how much they just don’t give a fuck yet their actions show the complete fucking opposite. Ur letting urself be treated like shit and that just makes me want to treat u like shit to. I mean if u don’t care then mean it. And if u really do care then show it. Fight for what u care about. Don’t play with peoples feelings and trick urself into believing something u no isn’t true. I haven’t seen any originality and values in anyone for a while. I just see judgement and fear. Ha, I don’t see why I complain so much about not feeling anything when it makes it so much easier for me to not get attached and take a second glance at u and ur problems. Nobody has ever hesistated to tell me at they don’t care about me and sometimes I’m not even worth the explanation. So why should I care about these cunts that have no purpose in my life. I haven’t ruined my life completely just yet. I just haven’t done anything to fix it. I really want to fix it. I really want to be a good person. But it’s really hard to care when u no it will be meaningless and end up nowhere. I mean, half the things people need to accomplish aren’t as hard as they make them to be but its so much easier to just do nothing I guess. Sigh. Iv never felt more embarrassed of myself than I do right now. I’m letting myself get hurt for no reason. Rejection and shame makes a person feel belittled and makes me want to blame myself for every issue that I can’t fix. Sometimes I feel so low I can’t even talk to a person without being awkward and stuttering and I can’t even walk myself to class sometimes because my body just gives up on me. These are only the little things. I’m so stuck.
Just a couple “cat scratches”. Gonna go take a hot shower. This shit will burn”
.
You shouldn’t blame yourself for not living up to a persons expectations. You shouldn’t bring yourself down because someone else forgot the value of a persons feelings. Instead, take a good look at the person who hurt you…u are probably going to feel sorry for them more than u have ever felt sorry for urself and it will open ur eyes to how pathetic and equally fucked up they are as you, maybe even more. They have a past too an its not our responsibility to keep up with what they have been through but everyone has been hurt. And those failures and rejections and shit have molded a person into who they are when they are with you. They may not even notice it or mean it but they are going to make choices that don’t hurt them again the same way they were hurt before…which is understandable. But that can mean hurting u before it ever hurts them. Some people are really big deuce bags and they know it. I don’t get though why they think thats okay or what’s there to be proud of. But they probably arent even thinking clearly half the time they are with u because they are thinking about themselves more. You really, are not as important as u wish you were to that person. That’s why its so easy for them to hurt u. Because people don’t hurt other people unless they really truly care for them. So take this all in. And get over it. You know you will get over it, eventually. When that is, I don’t know. It can be forever. But u no u will get over it someday. Maybe not completely but enough for u to move on. The sooner you realize this, the better. Theres no need to find faults in who u are. Rejection is embarrassing but everyone has gone though it. But think about the other person who fucked u up. They aren’t left with much either. Sooner or later they will realize they don’t have much. I can’t promise they will miss u or regret hurting u though. But when they choose to step out ur life, let them leave and rot in hell with their own problems. Trust me, someone else will come and hurt them twice as much as u wish u could. They wil get what they deserve later. Its going to happen. So don’t be mad at them or hate urself. Just distract urself, do whatever u can to get over it. U deserve way better.
