Before/After
I was feeling a lil down guys
I came out smelling worse than when I entered my bathtub, like a burning ashtray. I had been soaking in hot water, pretty much like a lifeless body because I was barely moving, and I took my mini lighter which I had stolen from Walmart a couple days go, and lighted my cigarette. Idk why I stole it, I had plenty of lighters at home. I inhaled a puff of smoke and just stared at my clean shaven body, which just looked like a bunch of fat to me. I stared at the subtle scars on my wrist, which nobody would even notice was there unless u stared hard enough while being aware at the fact that I had cut myself a couple weeks go. I was sober and it has been a while since I had been sober. I had been feeling like I was on top of the world lately, I felt powerful and insanely good, like nothing could get in my way. Of course that was because of the drugs. While I was feeling great off of cocaine, I had forgotten that I wasn’t so …great. I hadnt thought of suicide or cutting or anything in a couple days although it felt like eternity and I forgot that that was a big part of who I was. I cant seem to let go of letting go. I had only been focusing on my highs while I was high and when I wasn’t, I could only make myself feel low. As I lay there in my tub, I closed my eyes and forgot about my lit cigarette only until the ashes fell all over my stomach and burned me. Now I reeked even more. I thought of getting out and taking the rest of those pills that I had gotten from a party. I thought of taking the blade off of my shaving razor and cutting myself. Instead I just turned on the water to burning hot and washed my body clean. My scalp burned from the hot water since I had been itching it so hard a while go that it was bleeding. I wasnt even itchy. I felt bloated. I had barely eaten though. I was tired. I hadnt had a goodnites sleep. I decided that if I was going out tonight and tommorow, that I didnt feel like dealing with hiding scars or wearing bracelets or being fucked up before I was gonna get fucked up. Im not even sad. These feelings are just natural. If that makes sense?
I got home and you know what I instantly felt? So alone. It was quiet and dark and I’m once again on a whole bunch of shit. I’m still not even over the shit I was on yesterday. And as I’m walken upstairs, I feel dizzy and I just wana fall into someones arms for a hug. My parents don’t even notice if I’m home. I am surprised my body has not failed on me yet with all the things u have been doing. I honestly don’t even scared about dying I feel more scared of being alone. But I had closed my eyes for a second and I felt so much at peace. And I automatically thought…dam. I’m about to knock thefuck out because I took like23 pills and nyquil and weed laced with iand my body is so calm on and my mind is so calm…I’m like dam if I could die at any moment, it would be now. Because I wouldnt be mad. Sad. Happy. Angry. I’d be perfectly content. And I don’t wana wake up. And Tom I’m goen to a rave. And then later some hotel party. Oh fuck. Its gona be so hard to be abxk to normal when school comes. What the fuck am I doing with myself? But lately I haven’t felt sad. So that’s good. But I haven’t touched reality in like straight 3 days soo. Oh ihavnt cut. Maybe I doth care about my life or if I’m in trouble because nobody notices. If I fucken died right now, it wouldn’t even fucking matter. I got nobody holding me back from doing wtf I want. My parents don’t even bother me anymore either. Or maybe I just got gooder at lying. O dam.I thought I was sleeping. When the fuck did I start writing tis. Man a mindis such a tricky thing. U can make it believe in whatever u want.
I feel insane when I haven’t cut because my mind is constantly thinking about slitting my wrists or thighs at any little thing that brings me down. Iv turned cutting into a comfortable habit for many years and each time I cut, I’m never satisfied because I know I deserve to hurt myself more than I am allowing myself to hurt physically. I’m not ashamed to cut or embarrassed nor do I think anything much of it except its just a tiny part of me that reminds me every once in a while that I am a pathetic person who can’t fake that I’m happy. I can be fooling others but I’m not fooling myself. I dont like talking about it though. I dont like confrontation. I dont ever have anything to say about myself and why i do what I do. It’s the side of me where I hurt myself because of guilt, because I feel like shit, because I deserve it, because I haven’t let out what I need to say so I lash out on myself. Its a way of letting me know I’m not as good of a person I may want to be. There can be many reasons for why I cut. Ile never have a correct answer for why. Sometimes having no reason is even a good enough reason to cut. I blame myself for all the mistakes made. Right now I want to scratch my skin dry until it tears red so I can feel it burning for days. I want my arm to be ripped open. Abusing myself probably makes me feel more human than I do when I’m surrounded by so many people and I feel like something is still missing. It lets me put my gaurd down and feel okay to be weak for a small moment. I’m always searching for what I’m good for. I guess I’m good at hurting myself. Iv never stopped because no one has ever stopped me. I gave up crying out for attention or help a really long time ago when I realized people don’t give a shit. So I don’t expect anything out of people. I have been cutting for longer than most people have stayed in my life. Iv belittled myself so much sometimes I become shocked or taken aback when people become so affectionate and nice and they learn to get over things and they forgive and they give out hugs and sometimes I forget that that kind of kindness exists out there and I never know how to react. Sometimes I can be content with myself. Things aren’t as bad as they seem. But then one little thing happens and all these feelings of anger and sadness rush out and I just want to be so mean to my body.
I just wana scream at the top of my lungs and let out this anger and resentment that’s filled inside of me and I just want to cry and sob like a fucking baby to let out this numbness that iv used as a reason to scar my skin. Its this feeling of desperation that eats you alive knowing there’s no one out there not even yourself who can make you feel better. If I could use all this time iv wasted an instead helped myself become a better person and go on the right path, my life and my perspective on it would be so different. I’m slowly just falling apart as a human being who has no love for oneself but I know I deserve better but I can’t fight this feeling of helplessness and I cant get rid of this loneliness. And you just look back and wonder when did I allow my life to become so pointless and where in it did the meaning and excitement of life go? What do I have to look forward to except more pain and disappointments. Iv had two friends, who made it seem so fucking easy to end their lives. And I don’t know how the fuck they did it. I just wana drive far away from here. I wana be careless and drive far away and maybe just drive off a fucking bridge and just end this dam misery that I’m putting myself through. Im not asking for anybody to care. Im not trying to seek attention. I just want to put an end to this restlessness. Humanity doesn’t allow me a chance to go back and start fresh. You just have to build yourself up from being a nothing, a nobody. Theres so many questions that run through my mind and I can go my whole life without finding me answers. I feel too young to be going through this torture but then I feel selfish to think I even deserve this when there are so many others out there in worst situations. Or does it even matter if we all end up with a broken heart on who deserves what and whose better than who. We’re all equal if we have no one or nothing. I don’t live my life based on my past but I don’t live it to look forward to the next day either. Therefore, if I have no purpose of living, then whats the point?
I feel like happiness is a drug I can rarely get my hands on. I get this overwhelming rush of feelings where I know it wont last so I try not to get too much of it but once I let myself take in the feelings I’m getting im hooked and I’m attached and attachment can only lead to heartbreak. Its like with happiness, so many things go through your mind and ur eyes open up to new things and you become caring and…happy and at the same time afraid of this effect not lasting long enough and you just want more of it. Its so temporary but it makes you feel like ur on top of the world but then just fall right back down.
just another day of my body forcibly going places but my mind on a whole other track. Its like a billion of voices shouting in my head, I just want them to be silent, I just want some peace of mind. I can’t even enjoy doing nothing. I’m tired of doing nothing. Today was just another day of doing nothing. Everything I’m writing right now means nothing. You know what? Im sick of my school. I’m sick of being around people who are all the same. And then there’s people around me getting accepted into big universities and I’m on the couch like a bum, confused and scared about what the fuck I’m going to do with my life. I have nothing to lose so my life should be getting better afterwards right? But I feel like there’s no limit to failure. I swear, everyday its the same shit. Mentally and physically. Even when I get what I want, its not the way I wanted it. I feel..so empty. And I’m just waiting for a sign. And I’m just observing people that i don’t care about. And everybody is making a big deal about something that has no meaning in my eyes. I don’t see anything different in anybody. I don’t see happiness around me therefore i don’t feel it in my self. Everyday I get nowhere in life, constantly thinking of what I’m good for and everyday I’m losing more and more energy. Time passes by so quick and responsibilities keep piling. I’m so tired though. To even think or move. What is a 17 year old living under her parents roof with no emotional support, with no positive mentality, with no talents, with no job, no car, not even a fucking permit, no meaning to anyone…what the fuck can I possibly fucking do in my spare time? Drugs. Drink. Hope. Wait. Get a education? Fuck education. This dumb school hasn’t taught me shit. It’s only taking things away from me. I haven’t even entered the real world yet. How do I prepare myself? I’m tired. Even cutting is becoming too big of a action to hide. I just want to feel like i have a place somewhere, like I’m capable of whatever I put my mind to,I want to get what I want whenever I want it. I’m one lazy mother fucker. But Im learning that no boy, no amount of money, no friends or family is making me complete. Theres just something missing. Or maybe everything I listed right now is missing. My life feels so fake. I haven’t done anything to label my existence as an actual life except breathe. I’m just living off of other people and hoping for too big of things to happen. Everyone is just so full of bs. It’s bad enough being let down by other people but never being able to allow urself to get back up from a mistake makes a person feel miserable. I don’t know if I should blame myself or others. I don’t know what to do.
I’m so confused about my personality. Who the fuck am I?
My mind is telling me all the right things to do but I have such a weak heart, I keep giving in to use less uneccesary shit. I’m actually starting to care less about the important things and I’m getting distracted and caring about the wrong people. Theres too many different types of people In world and I don’t have patience to figure out what everybody wants and what will make them like me. Its a shitty feeling to be misunderstood but its pointless anyways because all these fucking people will leave me one day anyways. I feel like I have no one and the potential I have in myself is wasting away each day. I want to care about things but I feel no feelings anymore. I am getting fed up with emotions and becoming something I can’t recognize. I hate how I’m so cold towards other people but selfish enough to only give a fuck about my unimportant problems and I know it will always be that way. I wan a be a good person and do the right thing but I feel like nothing will change. People and society will continue to fuck themselves up so why should I help when it won’t change anything. Maybe if I meant something to someone or made a small tiny but important impact in someones life I would be less restless and more calm. I don’t know what people even think of me. My personality blends in with everyone I’m with but as an individual I’m confused about myself. I’m struggling with life. I don’t know what to do. People keep hurting me which makes me wan a hurt myself. I still haven’t cut myself because of those boys lips but fuck it. He walked away too. I should slit my wrists I deserve it. But I still can’t do it because something about his lips on my scars are holding me back. I’m basically a weak ass girl.I need to get my shit straight. But theres nothing I can get out of life right now. I’m 17. Living under my parents roof, no job. No license. No one by my side. Ima suicidal bipolar freak! Ugh. I’m frustrated. Who the fuck would ever like me. Am I even deserving of happiness? I don’t need anyone to understand my Problems I just need someone there for every once in a while. But I cant even get that. Fuck I need real help. I dont know why everybody dies for relationships and hates being alone. Boyfriend girlfriend relationships are fucking stupid. It’s like picking a random person to attach yourself with and then get hurt and rejected. Family..well I don’t know what that’s like. Friends…well I can basically be with friends with anyone. Maybe we hate being alone because we hate who we are and what we think when we are alone.
I feel like I’m driving myself away from reality and I’m slowly losing my identity. I don’t know what makes me who I am anymore. I’m just another depressed teenager doing drugs in high school. I’m losing track of my grades and what’s really important and instead I’m losing myself in my fantasies. Of course I’m going to be dreaming more often if I can’t get what I want in real life.I want to be wanted. I want to be talented.i want to be motivated. I want to be different. I want to be normal. But I’m fucked up. I need help. I’m a nobody and I need a personality and I need to stop being lazy and I need to move on. I need to do all these things but I really don’t know why I need to because I have no reason. I’m stuck. My mind knows the right thing to do but my heart keeps pulling me in the direction that will end up hurting me and leading me nowhere. I’m just lonely man.
