You know what thought keeps becoming more convincing inside my head? The fact that there is literally nothing I’m good enough for and everything I’m trying to be good at will only be just a small phase of failures that the rest of these stupid teenagers are also trying to be good at. Everyone is trying to think differently and be different but they all look the same to me and all just fucking confuse me. Are these the type of people that are suppose to keep me happy to be alive? Other people who want to continue to fuck up their mentality and also wana kill themselves. Maybe they can handle whatever situation they put themselves into but I’m just straight up …not interest in shit and I get easily overwhelmed. Everyone questions everything, everyone has their own little perspective and shit. What happens when I’m in my own little bubble and living my life through my oblivious point of view?…someone fucken fucks it up. I’m so fucking annoyed by everything and everyone and even myself. Every time I think I’m good at something, I feel like my effort is just wasted. Every time I feel like I found a believable answer to comfort myself in the moment (even if it’s not true) someone has to come fuck it up for me. I can’t even be the best fuck up out there. I’m a failure at being a failure and that makes me feel pathetic. I feel like closing off ppl from my life is making me close minded. I learned its just best to keep your opinions to yourself. Not so you don’t piss others off but so that others don’t piss u off. I just don’t wana deal with shit. I just wana keep the things that make me smile and focus on that for as long as I can because it really never does last that long. Even my friends start to notice that everyone leaves me. There’s never gona be that moment of satisfaction inside me for something I did or said. Life’s just a piece of shit and I will never win. There’s always a feeling of competition and its with the most unexpected people that I feel it with. Ya, we’re all full of curiosity and people can do whatever the fuck pleases them. I started dressing bummier, I started gaining weight, I don’t even have energy to make a effort to look good, I’m always tired, I hate the feeling of nostalgia because it makes me really miss times that I thought I was happy in. I mean I remember not being happy for the longest time but for some reason the past still looks better than right now and I realize it’s not because I was happy then but because I’m just getting sadder right now. I’m devastatingly bored. You become so angry and turn into a little kid throwing tantrums and becoming bitter and mean just because you don’t get what you want but you get to watch other people care about others and you just wonder why the fuck you can’t get that. There are people who are smart or outgoing or whatever and like how the fuck do I become that? Or how did I turn into this? Maybe I’m better off because i can’t keep up with peoples minds and the regular ways of how you act with someone because I feel like I’m so awkward and the one person who sometimes can tell when I’m down and asks me what’s wrong I can’t talk to because she’s my mom and I don’t talk to her about problems that will cause more problems and I just feel like an emotional mess and I have nothing to keep me happy and I have no reason to care. Even these complaints sound repetitive. Sometimes I feel like I have potential and I can make people happy but that feeling disappears so quickly when self doubt shows up. When I see that there are so many better people than me who seem to know what they are talking about and even if they don’t make sense at least they are content with the way they see things I just lose all sense of happiness that I worked for. It’s like I take one step forward and end up with two steps back and its exhausting working your way back up to being content with urself. I’m not good at talking about feelings. I’m good at hiding my feelings behind a computer screen and tearing my skin with blades I get from shaving razors. Sometimes I trip over shit that shouldn’t be focused on so much. But if I don’t like the way I feel about something then I can’t help it. I can’t figure out what it is that I need but I don’t wana continue to be as uptight as I can be at times. I don’t know…maybe it’s not certain matters that piss me off or what people say but the fear of what it will lead to afterwards. Its all fun and games until there’s some sort of loss, which usually there always is.
I love weed :D
You know what I thought of just now that would be really supur dupur freaking hot?
Making out with a guy while hes using my vibrator on me. Omg, especially if Im high. Oh chesss. I’m not even horny while I’m thinking of this. This is how you no my mind is a whore. Iv mind fucked everyone in my brain. I probably even fucked you if you were a girl and Im not even lesbo. Its just all in my head though. Idk random shit turns me on. But I really am serious about the sex toy thing though. Idk its hot in a way…
But I’m serious…
Just felt I should share that with you guys.
hello followers :)
Happy 18th Birthday to me !
Every time I think about you my mood suddenly loses any sense of happiness and I instantly want to tear my skin because I haven’t gotten any closure from you even though it has been plenty of months and supposedly pain is supposed to lessen within time. It is surprising how quickly my pain comes back and so strongly too, enough to push me to the thoughts of suicide. I don’t know how to move on without closure and I am not trying to be with you, I just want you to know that I somewhat regret the things that I said. I don’t want to be known as a horrible person. And for me to go around telling people that it’s wrong to judge others and then do the same to you makes me feel like complete shit because I have come to realize that although your actions were terrible, you aren’t. I mean this is high school and our school has a lot of emotionally fucked up shit heads, including myself, and I wish it were like fucking Disney channel where pain only exceeded a certain amount but this is reality and there is a lot of careless mistakes that go around from irresponsible people, so what you were doing was not anything different than what thousands of people around the world of our age are doing. Some people will benefit after high school from the experiences they received in school but some people loose themselves and there becomes nothing exciting about graduating if you can’t handle how you are around people or how you are with yourself. I don’t know how much longer you will continue to ignore me but you are very good at it so writing my emotions out on a fucking website is probably the closest I will get to making myself let go of you even though you will never know the existence of my feelings. I feel terrible thinking that I can’t start over and I’m confused about what was real and what was fake. Were you just another deuce bag who wanted me for only one reason or did I really hurt you with my comments? It was after a while that I realized I was getting so carried away with drugs and becoming so unaware of what was real that I realized I was doing exactly what I was criticizing you of. And nobody cared about me so I let myself slowly kill my brain cells, my lungs, kidneys, my health, my soul. It happens mistakenly. You become what you talk about sometimes. I still don’t think I was wrong for voicing my opinion but because I miss you, I just want to be forgiven. I should have just let you continue on with your own life. I just didn’t want you to hurt yourself the way you were doing and it’s such a scary and helpless feeling when you lose someone to drugs because they can never come back the same. And I have been sober for two weeks and I have forgotten what it feels like to be high. I am thinking about not going back to touching anything that will distort my reality but I know I will probably end up doing some shit or at least continue on puffing to a couple of cancer sticks occasionally. I wanted to stop because I didn’t want to be a hypocrite but I am just so fucking sad about things I can’t change and I am so fucking lonely, I just want to be left with the mess I have created and just slowly kill myself, slowly scar myself and just remain miserable until life forces me to replace you (if replacing you is even possible). It feels wrong to grow up and nearly impossible to move on when I just cannot let go of the fact that you let go so effortlessly of me. I just want to say I am sorry.
I’m not even me anymore. The only things that keep me alive and able to function through the day with a smile on my face is a good buzz off of weed or cocaine. Its enough to make me not care but I can’t seem to tell when I’m sober or not because I just sleep so much. I don’t give myself time to face reality because I’m such a bum. It wasn’t always like this. It’s just, I hate myself so much and I’m just hurt, so iv made bad choices and I’m letting the mess of emotions pile up. And I dont know what I’m going to do with myself when I have to deal with it all for once. Truth is, I’m just a terrible person. Im slowly becoming everything I say I wouldnt and there’s very few promises I have kept to myself but I don’t know how much longer I will continue to hold on to this tiny piece of thread which is like my lifeline. I’m no better than my dad who is good for nothing because I don’t know how to treat the people I love. I know I’m too blame for everything I’m putting myself through. A good high is the best thing ever but its not always fun when you don’t have other things to enjoy in life too. I’m just a piece of a shit and my mom is right, I’m going to get nowhere in life. I’m just going to continue to indulge myself in a act of gluttony while i sit on the couch and regret my actions and do nothing with my life like always. I don’t get it. I’m almost turning 18. How is that not enough time to know what I want to do with my life? But its so easy and so quick to lose oneself. How is there nothing that I love? I lost a lot of feelings.
Scars from her bleeding heart are engraved on her wrist and thighs
They tell a story about a hopeless romantic
Who loses love before she even gets the chance to fail at it
A meaningless soul drifitng amongst many others
All searching for something that they have created in their minds
But probably doesn’t exist in reality
Or maybe it does but it’s not ever as good as it should seem
The girl just wants to mourn
If their is no one to help
Let her help herself
By grieving over many a loss
Which left her crippled since a moment so long ago
The little girl is dead and left nothing but a pretty corpse for others to judge her by
Her favorite mask is the one that people are easily fooled from
Humor, which it is
Make someone laugh and they will never have time to focus on the pain.
-Maham C.
