Maybe bad things happen to start off something good but it sucks how good things always finish and start off something terrible. I continue to let down people but life continues to let me down. The bad seems never ending and makes you notice how quickly you will have to accept that good things just aren’t meant to last in your life and that’s why being happy hurts me more than being sad. For a very long time I have felt that everything that has happened to me is something I deserve and thats probably because I do deserve it which is one reason why I started self harming because I spend so much time feeling guilty for lying over something that I think is worth lying for because it makes me happy. I thought I would be a stronger person after all this hurt that I have caused to myself and others but it’s made me a lot more weaker than I would expect. I have so many areas to work on to be emotionally stable but I never do anything to fix myself. Theres no way I will be happy if I don’t fix myself. Every time I have a desire to be with someone life always gets in the way, responsibilities get in the way, stupid dumb shit gets in the way but feelings never exist. For some reason I can’t seem to find someone who will forever keep me happy. I dont honestly think that exists out there but the possibilities of me fucking up seem like they will happen alot. Instead I’m just good at hurting people who are not people I am trying to hurt or have any emotions attached to. I feel like wanting to be happy holds me back too much as much as the fear of being too safe and going against what people don’t want me to do. If i did half the things or said half the things I wanted to do or felt like doing, people would think I’m fucking crazy. People always focus on the bad actions that good people do and make them seem bad but they never focus on how it all started off. I feel like I learned nothing from life and I’m just going to keep making mistakes. How can you experience so much and not care about something enough but new things that catch ur attention make u want to know everything about it. We always tend to want something that wants nothing to do with us. My actions have changed a lot in the past years that I wouldn’t have expected myself to do but each time I think about how I still feel like a little innocent girl inside and how in wish i could go back to those times where I was just curious and had something to dream about, had something to be proud for. But lately, that little girl has been lost. Shes gone. I could have been such a good and smart person. I could have been normal. I always fuck up. I’m just like any other fucked up girl. Sad and depressed. The only thing I would receive from people is pity and shame. Thats what happens when u try to be different and try to find yourself at the same time. You don’t get shit. You just keep losing a part of urself while u keep trying to make urself believe there is something better out there to live for. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to be sad right now. I deserve to feel this way.
You know what thought keeps becoming more convincing inside my head? The fact that there is literally nothing I’m good enough for and everything I’m trying to be good at will only be just a small phase of failures that the rest of these stupid teenagers are also trying to be good at. Everyone is trying to think differently and be different but they all look the same to me and all just fucking confuse me. Are these the type of people that are suppose to keep me happy to be alive? Other people who want to continue to fuck up their mentality and also wana kill themselves. Maybe they can handle whatever situation they put themselves into but I’m just straight up …not interest in shit and I get easily overwhelmed. Everyone questions everything, everyone has their own little perspective and shit. What happens when I’m in my own little bubble and living my life through my oblivious point of view?…someone fucken fucks it up. I’m so fucking annoyed by everything and everyone and even myself. Every time I think I’m good at something, I feel like my effort is just wasted. Every time I feel like I found a believable answer to comfort myself in the moment (even if it’s not true) someone has to come fuck it up for me. I can’t even be the best fuck up out there. I’m a failure at being a failure and that makes me feel pathetic. I feel like closing off ppl from my life is making me close minded. I learned its just best to keep your opinions to yourself. Not so you don’t piss others off but so that others don’t piss u off. I just don’t wana deal with shit. I just wana keep the things that make me smile and focus on that for as long as I can because it really never does last that long. Even my friends start to notice that everyone leaves me. There’s never gona be that moment of satisfaction inside me for something I did or said. Life’s just a piece of shit and I will never win. There’s always a feeling of competition and its with the most unexpected people that I feel it with. Ya, we’re all full of curiosity and people can do whatever the fuck pleases them. I started dressing bummier, I started gaining weight, I don’t even have energy to make a effort to look good, I’m always tired, I hate the feeling of nostalgia because it makes me really miss times that I thought I was happy in. I mean I remember not being happy for the longest time but for some reason the past still looks better than right now and I realize it’s not because I was happy then but because I’m just getting sadder right now. I’m devastatingly bored. You become so angry and turn into a little kid throwing tantrums and becoming bitter and mean just because you don’t get what you want but you get to watch other people care about others and you just wonder why the fuck you can’t get that. There are people who are smart or outgoing or whatever and like how the fuck do I become that? Or how did I turn into this? Maybe I’m better off because i can’t keep up with peoples minds and the regular ways of how you act with someone because I feel like I’m so awkward and the one person who sometimes can tell when I’m down and asks me what’s wrong I can’t talk to because she’s my mom and I don’t talk to her about problems that will cause more problems and I just feel like an emotional mess and I have nothing to keep me happy and I have no reason to care. Even these complaints sound repetitive. Sometimes I feel like I have potential and I can make people happy but that feeling disappears so quickly when self doubt shows up. When I see that there are so many better people than me who seem to know what they are talking about and even if they don’t make sense at least they are content with the way they see things I just lose all sense of happiness that I worked for. It’s like I take one step forward and end up with two steps back and its exhausting working your way back up to being content with urself. I’m not good at talking about feelings. I’m good at hiding my feelings behind a computer screen and tearing my skin with blades I get from shaving razors. Sometimes I trip over shit that shouldn’t be focused on so much. But if I don’t like the way I feel about something then I can’t help it. I can’t figure out what it is that I need but I don’t wana continue to be as uptight as I can be at times. I don’t know…maybe it’s not certain matters that piss me off or what people say but the fear of what it will lead to afterwards. Its all fun and games until there’s some sort of loss, which usually there always is.
Okay, so when your personality is just a big fail when it comes to boys, it’s not just the fact that you didn’t get to be with the one you want that hurts but it hurts your ego badly too. You think you have your judgement in people correct but there is always a side that people aren’t going to show you. I’m sure everyone has once or twice gone through an experience where they have found a really good-looking person but their personality just fucks everything up. Like they become awkward and just weird. Yea, that’s what I have sadly turned into. Why? I don’t fucking know. I just haven’t been myself lately. Im close to very few people and that’s only because of one thing and that’s called trust. The past couple of months after the downfall of my year long “relationshit”, my love life has just completely sucked. It’s been like 2 years where boys have just come, and just left, and the worst part is that a perfectly good friendship got fucked. It’s not that I can’t get a guy because I mean if it were based on looks, I could get a guy, but lately I have had no confidence in me and I sort of reject myself before someone else can reject me. I mean, its true when they say you can’t love someone else when you don’t even love yourself. I’m just so hard on myself and its for no fucking reason but I can’t control it. It’s like Ive become weakminded and desperate. And it’s over uneccesary shit. Bad self esteem and over thinking will cause you to ruin something that hasnt even been created yet. I feel like I’m in middle school watching my pretty girl friends get cute guys numbers when they have like a whole bunch of guys already and I’m just like uhh, I just want one person. And then theirs guys cheating. Or they will leave because you won’t have sex with them yet they aren’t even in a relationship with you. I mean, maybe the increasing number of pregnant girls in high school should give you a hint to maybe slow your pace down a little. The worst part about all this is.. is being ignored. Like shit, most horrible feeling in the world. Am I not good enough for a explanation. People just walk in and out your life whenever the fuck they want. Blah blah blah. I don’t wana complain anymore. Nor do I hate anyone. I just don’t get it. What’s wrong with me? Like, why am I holding back so much? I guess I just need to fix myself first and then worry about others afterwards.
But you know what I noticed? LIke, no matter how many guys a girl may seem like she has, their love life is still empty as a person who has zero guys with her because those numerous amount of guys are all probably shit heads. Same for guys. Nobody is doing anything correct with the matters of the heart. You can be perfectly good at seducing someone or whatever yet you can still be alone as fuck because the timing is just not right or maybe you’re just not the one. Or people who are happy in relationships yet their partner doesn’t even know that they’ve cheated on them so many times. Like, I guess no one is good at this. I guess Ile always be the one you can admire from far away but you will never get to know. Or maybe I will settle for less and become the other woman or be the rebound again because Im a desperate lonely hoe looking for the slightest attention a guy can give me.
You know waht? Fuck people. Fuck emotions. Fuck these jerks who make me feel like shit. Fuck myself for letting them bring me down so much. They have no idea where their life is going and even if they do… they still suck. They don’t understand how much they hurt me. I mean, little actions change a person. Am I the only one who sometimes gets a natural high sometimes?…Like…is that abnormal? I mean, I’m being serious, sometimes I feel like I’m high without being on any drugs. I can basically make myself feel whatever I want to feel. I’m in control of my thoughts. FUCK PEOPLE. They can’t control shit. I can change the way I feel whenever I want. Fuck. No wait, I’m confused. Does me hurting myself mean that I’m letting people get to me or does it just mean that my self esteem just sucks by my own choice because I let it, because I mean the word self esteem does include “self” so I guess that means I’m bringing myself down for no reason? This makes no sense. Nothing makes sense ever. My mind is so fucking contradictory. I just want an answer. Like, what do I with my life? Just tell me what to do because I can’t seem to figure it out on myself. I don’t know what I’m good for. Nobody will ever care about what I really feel. People are just mean these days. Woah, when did I write so much lol.
It’s crazy how cutting can give me such a high when Im completely sober. This is a habit I should have left a long time ago but now it is a part of me. It is painful and I do not even cut deep. I am not even trying to quit. I scratch over my cuts, cut over my cuts, bathe in burning hot water, and sometimes put rubbing alcoholic on it. The pain is unbearable for me. It’s enough to hurt me but not enough to kill me. For some reason, everytime I am about to cut it feels like it’s my first time all over again. But once I get that blade across my skin and I start to see the skin tear and blood rise, I become motivated to cut more, and that cutting becomes to slashing. My body trembles, my hands sweat, my arm becomes paralyzed and numb and it stings. I become so tired; the exhaustion is quick to put me to sleep and make me forget about all my problems. But it’s never enough. I always want more. I’m always left unsatisfied…I should have cut more, cut deeper. What are you afraid of? Why are you even cutting? It’s stupid. At least that’s what society claims it to be. It’s a cry for attention and you’re emo if you do it. Attention is the last thing I want. I found out a long time ago that I’m not worthy of anyone’s attention. If anything, I want to just be accepted as I am. Love me, love my scars. People do nothing but mock a person’s weakness. I do it to get rid of the guilt, to get rid of feeling like a dumb piece of shit, I do it because I deserve it, I do it because I’m addicted, I do it because it is a part of me. Sometimes I don’t care who knows what or who see’s my scars. Sometimes I care too much and I just want to be left alone. Regardless, I did it 3 years ago, I did it now, and I’m probably going to do it again soon enough.
Before/After
I got home and you know what I instantly felt? So alone. It was quiet and dark and I’m once again on a whole bunch of shit. I’m still not even over the shit I was on yesterday. And as I’m walken upstairs, I feel dizzy and I just wana fall into someones arms for a hug. My parents don’t even notice if I’m home. I am surprised my body has not failed on me yet with all the things u have been doing. I honestly don’t even scared about dying I feel more scared of being alone. But I had closed my eyes for a second and I felt so much at peace. And I automatically thought…dam. I’m about to knock thefuck out because I took like23 pills and nyquil and weed laced with iand my body is so calm on and my mind is so calm…I’m like dam if I could die at any moment, it would be now. Because I wouldnt be mad. Sad. Happy. Angry. I’d be perfectly content. And I don’t wana wake up. And Tom I’m goen to a rave. And then later some hotel party. Oh fuck. Its gona be so hard to be abxk to normal when school comes. What the fuck am I doing with myself? But lately I haven’t felt sad. So that’s good. But I haven’t touched reality in like straight 3 days soo. Oh ihavnt cut. Maybe I doth care about my life or if I’m in trouble because nobody notices. If I fucken died right now, it wouldn’t even fucking matter. I got nobody holding me back from doing wtf I want. My parents don’t even bother me anymore either. Or maybe I just got gooder at lying. O dam.I thought I was sleeping. When the fuck did I start writing tis. Man a mindis such a tricky thing. U can make it believe in whatever u want.
