I’ve gotten so used to being someone whose weird and random and you know this depressed state of my mentality has grown on to me and is a big part of who I am, but sometimes there are just some people who really puzzle me in a fascinating way. Like, I can’t quite figure them out and it’s a really frustrating feeling when I can’t understand how someone is living their reality, how they see the world through their eyes. I mean, very rarely does a person have the ability to really make me look up to them and want to learn from them and give me a sense of motivation and I don’t think they are even aware of how every little thing they do or say really effects me and I kind of end up wanting to grow as a person. I mean, sometimes I’m just giving a person so much attention that I realize they are just as many other people out there in the world, more than enough, who question reality and want to know the purpose of their life and somewhere in there, drugs are obviously involved. And they just make me feel like I’m such a bland and boring person who has given up and doesn’t see beyond what is happening at the moment. But when I realize they aren’t the only ones like this, I kind of end up putting a stop to this self-doubt because I realize, well that’s who they are and this is who I am. My thoughts and my way of living probably could be influencing someone and I don’t even know. Or maybe I really am just a boring person. It’s not really about what people think. It’s about , a little sense of jealousy I get, when I see that a person can come up with whatever possibility or explanation in their heads to make them okay with the way they are living. After all, everything is happening in your head and you control how you want to live your life, etc…the obvious shit everyone says. But, I don’t get the concept of acceptance. That is something that I have being noticing that a lot of my friends make look so easy, accepting things. And I am over here confused as fuck, dumbfounded, like how do you do that? How did you just accept this and decide everything is okay and you are still moving on with your life in contentment? I mean, were are humans, and there are just some things that humans have to feel because it is how we were made. You cannot be cold-hearted forever. There is something that has affected you in some way and even if you lose a sense of emotions at a point, if something worthy comes in your life, that will change. Idk, I just feel like to some people this may seem like bullshit but to me it just seems so simple. I feel like there are so many people who are living in the norm and not thinking outside of the box and they make other people trapped. If everyone believed they could make their life in any way imaginable then there would be so many free spirits and just not enough tension. Topics like this make it very hard for me to understand and learn from because there are just some things that are made up in my mind that I don’t want to change. But, I just get so surprised from some people, like they really are interesting and it just makes me feel like I’m not good enough to be around that person or I just want to be by myself because I know if I’m around someone like that then I’m going to thinking that things I have learned are nothing special compared to how that someone learns things. It’s just better sometimes to be stuck in your own world with your own thoughts. I mean, it’s not good and it makes it hard for people to understand you, but it’s how I keep myself safe. I just feel like, I need something to prove to myself that I am capable of purpose in this planet, you know just anything. If I could just changes one person’s life, I could see that I’m good for something. But that’s the thing with acceptance. People let go so easily, that it’s scary because then things seem like, a waste of time. If I had acceptance of myself, I wouldn’t be confusing myself like I am right now, I wouldn’t be so worried about people being better than me. I wana be fascinated by myself for once. I just don’t get how people can find the time to think about so much complex shit like this in such a simple society that basically copies each other and goes nowhere from there, you know. And then, when it comes to simple things in life, they don’t seem to know what to do with it. I mean, I guess I wish I were like that too, to not have anyone get in the way of my feelings, or to give me any feelings for that matter. Maybe I’m too much of a depressing fuck to look at the positive outlooks of life and that’s why I probably never cared about what can happen when you do finally accept things. I mean, you can work your way up like you’re suppose to in life, but I promise, there is always going to be some exhausting problem that will just make you forget about all the things you learned, and you just…end up in a downfall and don’t give a shit about any of this psychological thinking or philosophy shit. I mean if you can get through it, then that means you have practiced a lot and really concentrate and that’s good. But it’s hard for normal, everyday people. I don’t know ugh. I’m such a waste of life. Really, honestly I am. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is get high and complain about my useless existence. That’s how you know I’m a waste of life.
Music is so crazy, it brings me back to a time that I feel like I just experienced yet it happened months ago. There’s a part of me that is just so saddened by my memories and thoughts; there’s such a strong urge in me that wishes to go back in time just this year and start over and stay away from hurting my mom, or causing trouble for myself, or getting hurt by people who I will never be good enough for. It really sucks thinking about it. I forget how many emotions I have felt and how many ups and downs I have passed. Each time I’m hurt and I get over it, some new stuff happens and then I think about how before I had so much freedom. Maybe right now I have freedom even though I’m miserable. Maybe something worse will happen. Why do so many things have to end? Imagine how many people would be dead right now if wishes came true. Everyone has a moment where they wish that life would end instead of moments. Some more than others. I just wish sometimes there was somebody who could understand me. Understand what I want and not mock my feelings because I seem to dramatic or emotional. I don’t understand when this all started or when I started feeling so alone; it’s just a feeling that came and stuck up on me. Sometimes I just feel like the only peace I will find is when I can end up dead. Cuz I hate feeling like wanting to be dead just as much as I hate being alive.
“What we call love is really a whole spectrum of relating, reaching from the earth to the sky. At the most earthy level, love is sexual attraction. Many of us remain stuck there, because our conditioning has burdened our sexuality with all kinds of expectations and repressions. Actually the biggest ‘problem’ with sexual love is that it never lasts. Only if we accept this fact can we then really celebrate it for what it is - welcoming it’s happening, and say good-bye with gratitude when it’s not. Then as we mature, we can begin to experience the love that exists beyond sexuality and honors the unique individuality of the other. We begin to understand that our partner often functions as a mirror, reflecting unseen aspects of our deeper self and supporting us to become whole. This love is based on freedom, not expectation or need. Its wings take us higher and higher towards the universal love that experiences all as one.” — Osho
Lol you ever feel like you suffer so much in a short amount of time that your literally going crazy and you start laughing like an insane person? Like omg fuck every single piece of shit out there that exists. Like, I’m not going to say how much more can shit get worse, because I have a feeling theres always room for some more downfalls, but really, I’m so sick of people trying to follow all these fucking rules and these fucking people are all swarming around you as if they give a shit bout you. I don’t wana be around any of you dumb fucking assholes. What happens when ur with people? U gotta worry bout these fucking whiny asses that won’t leave you alone because you cant make them fucking happy. Go make yourself fucking happy, no one gives a shit bout you.
…
I was recovering from last night, still feeling some of that good powder but exhausted and languid. I smelled…bad. I didn’t know what to do. I had nothing to do. I forced my body downstairs to go shower. Nobody was home so before hand I smoked some dro, smoked a cigg. I was missing my bong. Stupid cops took it. I know I shouldn’t be smoking, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I wanted to smoke, so I smoked. I took my panties off. It smelled like cum. Lonely people masturbate a lot. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out if there is even a opposite gender out there good enough to touch you if you’ve kept to yourself and know what your body likes for so long. I know I can keep myself satisfied, but how do I know someone’s not going to hurt me after they use my body. I took my clothes off and put the music up really loud, just loud enough to annoy my nosey neighbors. Before I stepped into the shower, I kinda just stared at my body. Not because I’m conceited or anything. Just because, I was kind of disgusted. I didn’t know what to make of my reflection. I didn’t feel like showering, but I didn’t feel like I could continue on the day reeking like this. The last time I smelled this bad was in jail lol. I had an interesting night out last night. I didn’t know what was coming forward so I wanted to make the most of the opportunities I had to sneak out, to get fucked up, whatever, same shit. I took the longest, coldest shower I’ve ever taken in a long time and I felt really awake. I just stood there, repeating the same steps, scrubbing my body with soap and foaming my hair up with shampoo, only because I didn’t feel like getting out of the shower. I almost wished I could wash away all my problems, my mistakes. I thought about a lot of things. I wondered if I had what it took in me to last more than one night in jail. Probably not lol. But coming back home, I kinda miss it. Home doesn’t feel like home. I wondered what the cop was thinking when he handcuffed me and saw my cuts. I thought back to how much changed this year and how much remained the same. What could I have done differently to save myself from getting hurt? What could I do to make myself more interesting to someone I didn’t want to bore? The best thing about time though and over thinking, is that it tires you so much and you think about so many ways things could have been different, that you give up and realize what’s done is done and it really isn’t as big of a deal anymore. A majority of the time life is the one pushing me and forcing me to get over things, otherwise, I don’t think I would get over it. I was thinking about what it meant to be different. So many people give me that word to describe me and I don’t know what to make of it. Is it a compliment? Is different good? I don’t want to change for anybody. I want people to just accept me. I mostly only fuck myself when I’m stoned, just because that’s when I’m the most horny and careless. Ha, I probably don’t have to explain the rest of my shower then. I learned it is way easier to be alone than it is to care about people and be with them. We have everything it takes to survive by ourselves but it’s people who always fuck us up and get in the way because they make us feel something we want, that we can’t give ourselves. And then you want it more when you can’t have it. I got out the shower and stared at my face in the huge mirror. My mascara was all run down and I remember my mug shot. Ha. I don’t think it’s makeup that can fix an ugly bitch into a pretty one. It’s definitely more about your attitude. I felt awake when I got out the shower and I felt like I belonged this way but I was still worn out and you could see that on my face. I looked ugly. Then I remembered what I said when I was on acid. We’re all just skin. I don’t think people realize how quickly they can make something stuck in my mind and when I want it, there’s no forgetting it. And when I get it, I want it even more. That’s what it’s like with drugs. That’s what it’s like with people. And it’s just continuous torture. I know I need help and sometimes I want it but most times I don’t like to think about it or admit it or care for it because there is nothing interesting about being happy.
If I could start all over, I wouldn’t want to include drinking, smoking or any drugs in my life at all. I don’t know if it would make any difference in my life or not but I know that sometimes its just too much to keep up with and I get tired of just its sole existance where everybody including myself can’t shut the fuck up about it. Seriously, how would people entertain themselves and balance their emotions if they didn’t turn to all this? Idk, I just know that I’m very tired.
Today has been a day filled with smoking for no reason (I’m getting bored off of my highs), draggin my high ass to high school, trying to console my friends second miscarriage, trying to stop my friend from cutting who doesn’t know I’m a cutter (so I have the perfect words to prevent her cuz I know how she feels but it isn’t easy on either of us), having an emotional breakdown, cutting, purging, crying, and a whole lot of nothing. I hate days like these, where your emotions just creep up on you without any warning and having the oh so wonderful gift of your monthly cycle during that moment doesn’t help calm your feelings down any better either. I’m just a mess. To everyone I may look mad, sad, happy, tired, whatevr. But I feel like a mess regardless of how I present myself. And today was just a terrible and useless day. I was starting to have suicidal thoughts again. They had went away for a while but I just had a strong urgue to wana end it today. What do we losers do when we are too afraid to kill ourselves? We hurt ourselves.
You know what I really want to feel? I want to feel awake. I want to feel that freshness when I wake up where I am like, it’s okay, I broke down the previous day but things are better now. Tears washed down my temporary emotions for another time and I can be happy with myself again. But it’s been a minute since I actually felt that redemption. It’s a cycle of emotions that just get worse each time you have the pleasure or the horror of experiencing them. It’s unhealthy being sensitive. I felt like I was being cornered by my emotions and I was alone and confused as to how I can have so many friends but not feel safe enough to go to someone for help. Cuz I need help. There’s not many times I have someone to bring me back to my senses. Normally it’s just me pushing aside my emotions because I’m fed up with them for the day. They always find a way back to me. Now I know what my friend was talking bout when she said she doesn’t want to feel like she needs fixing; like she doesn’t have a problem. It’s kinda scary.
So there’s this guy. Who I used to like way back last year. He kinda hurt me, it started off with something I said, so we stopped talking. Some people can’t handle the truth I guess. Typical asshole/ druggie/ deadbeat. But I mean, he was very good at playing with insecure girls feelings, so of course, I fell for it. Cuz he told me what a insecure girl liked to hear. We had this big argument, watever, over drugs and sex and shit and he stopped talking to me, just like…out of the blue. Like, I was dead to him. I was nothing. Do you know how small a person feels when you make a nobody feel too insignificant to even be labeled as a nobody? Very tinnyyyy. Sooo some tears were spilled and some new scars were made and time passed and that anger turned into sadness and that sadness turned into indifference and soon I got over it. It actually isn’t as serious as it sounds on here lol but ya. Like 6 months later or shit, this guy has the nerve to just tell me he misses me and be all sweet and kiss my ass. In the midst of our conversation, I come to find out that he doesn’t remember shit on why we stopped talking and I’m just like uhhhh…. what? That’s how fucked up you were…that you don’t even rmbr our convo. that made us stopped talking for like half a year? Like what did you think happened? His answer was “idk” and he wasn’t even sober. Like, I guess it’s funny when you talk about it out loud but sort of a slap in the face as well. You made me feel like shit because I opened up to you about your dumb habits and your horny ass doesn’t remember anything and your habits are still the same. Like shit, I wasted so much time being mad. This is why you just need to let people do whatever the fuck they want and if they end up in a fuckin casket then it’s all their fault. Same goes for my hypocritical ass. Anyways, maybe I can be dramatic at times cuz I’m a girl, but then again I can be easy going as well, so if I trip over something, it’s only cuz I’m watching out for you. Maybe some people just don’t know how to react when they finally have someone care for them.. eeyy-deee-kaayy… But I mean, as stupid as he made me feel, I don’t think he realizes how stupid he’s making himself look in front of me. That’s not really attractive and that does not make me want you back. I don’t understand why this happens. People always hurt me and then they leave me and then come back whenever they feel like it. Wtf do I look like? At least I’v learned to keep my mouth shut.
So I’m supposed to be taking acid for the first time this weekend with my friend but after being distressed all day and wanting to kill myself and drive myself into insanity while I’m sober, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for acid. It’s funny, I come to find out more and more of my friends have taken it. But I mean, I admit, I’m a bit weak-minded and will probably drive myself into a bad trip. Maybe it’s not for me. Idk, but I’m still debating on that. My mom keeps annoying me by asking me if I’m okay and why I look so sad and tired. Thanks for asking, really, but I don’t know wtf I’m supposed to say to you mom. Just leave me alone, you’re not the person to talk to. Id rather talk to a cat.
I’m miserable. Goodnight.
I think fear sucks because it holds us back from so many things that don’t even matter. It holds a lot of people back from getting to know the good side of you and it especially holds you back from getting to know yourself to your full potential. Sometimes I get scared more for why I want something than the actual thing I want because I can’t understand why I would want to torture my heart so many times before I get the clue that you can’t let people walk all over you and you can’t keep running in fear and think that life’s problems will fix themselves during time. It’s just a feeling that stays with you. Our hearts are so sensitive, I don’t see why everyone can’t get that through our heads and try to treat a person better. And if someone is going to push us too far to the point where you need to face your fears, at least give them a reason to overcome it and find that the fear was just created in our minds due to the past. There’s always a fear of finding out that what I believe is true and that people will continue to be careless and be selfish and worry about themselves only. Then I’m scared that everything I hate will be everything I turn into. And the scariest feeling I believe that everyone else can relate to would be the idea of being alone forever. It’s just torture; you torture yourself by exposing who you are to people who will make you feel like they left you before they even got the chance to be close to you. I just don’t see the point of life if you have no one to love you. I’m not here to impress myself after all. I live in a world where judgment is a part of human nature and if I deserve to be treated like shit by people I think I also deserve someone who can make me forget that I’m crap. It’s nice to be reminded that I’m a girl and not some programmed robot trained to feel the same things every day and be placed in the same comfortable surrounding each day. I don’t want to feel blank and naked in societies eyes. I’d rather just live in a small world with one person and do whatever we felt like. The most boring things excite me. Love excites me. Nobody seems to be good enough though. And then I don’t seem good enough either. I wonder if the road leading to fear also leads to a door of happiness and contentment afterwards. I’m just bitter. Everyone seems so fucking perfect. I know they’re not though. Not even close. But they pull it off so well.
I’m getting tired of feeling like a fuck up. I kind of just want to feel normal for once. Just deal with things the way they should happen and not force anything or over think it. I don’t understand what I do with people and how I start off relationships of any kind with them. I’m just weird and I’m getting tired of my random ways. My randomness is starting to become too predictable. I always put myself in situations where I make myself look too easy because I’m so open to what I say. I’m always open about the wrong things though. There’s so many guys who want to fuck me. Not a single one of them give a shit about me though. Half of them would stop talking to me if they found out how emo I can be at times and half of them would overlook that factor just because they think they have a chance to fuck me. Nobody will ever really know what I think of them. My feelings change quick. I can’t complain though, it’s all my fault. I wish I was more respectful towards myself. I bet if it weren’t for my looks nobody would even bother getting to know me. That’s how it was like when I was in elementary school and middle school. All you need is tits and a pretty face. Insecurity ruins it though. You grow up and start getting confused. Suddenly tits aren’t the only thing people want. They want a skinny body. Big ass. Um, idk some people don’t even like it and they want small tits and ass. People’s definition on beauty changes. Then you start find faults in yourself because nobody seems to like what you are made of. Like, you can have a lot going for you but it still doesn’t seem to be enough. Idk. I never learn my lesson and always go back to my old ways.. reminds me of my dad. I never take care of people who take care of me and I give so much attention and focus to people I know I’m nothing to. Maybe it’s the chase that excites me. The idea of what that person thinks of you, which could be anything and you don’t even know. It prevents boredom. Sometimes I put myself in situations where I’m so close to feeling death but I never go all the way. Like recently, I take enough pills to fuck me up and make me puke but darn, if I was gonna get fucked up I could have just tooken a few 20-40 more and just OD and make everything easier.. That’s how my friend killed herself. She took too many pills and died in her sleep. There’s something always holding me back but I’m always getting hurt. I’m getting so tired of being down on myself and making smaller things such a big deal.
What if there is no such thing as reality? Like being sober is just another type of high. Where the effects are boredom, depression, confusion. Cuz I mean even when we are sober there are certain experiences that are unforgettable and quicken our heartbeats. Maybe we get boredom in return for being boring ourselves. And after a while of being sober, you just need something more exciting, something that can change the way you feel again. You need more of what makes you happy. And then when that happiness is gone you search your whole life in depression mode, becoming desperate and addicted to any temporary habits that can make you forget your life sucks without happiness. Isn’t that similar to a normal drug abuse? We get something to make us forget about the pathetic boring and painful life we have and we experience more feelings off of this shit that obviously you can’t get true happiness off of from and you can’t last your whole life with it but u need more and more of it each time to make that feeling remain and become comfortable. You can still feel the same things when your high as you can when your sober. It’s possible. So maybe drugs are really bad and life is really good or life is really bad and drugs are really good but either way we humans tend to lose ourselves in it. And everyone views things so differently, how can we all accept that we are living in one same planet with the same values and beliefs and morals. If there is a label for it then I suppose being sober is a new high. Sometimes when I’m high I let myself get away with making a stupid mistake that I really wanted to commit because I had the balls to do it under a certain herb or chemical. But I make mistakes when I’m sober too. It’s less accepted because I’m being myself and people can’t understand why I’m like this when I’m sober. You know when I’m high so you know Ile get the munchies and you know I will get tired and there is no need to explain myself. Everyone is aware of the symptoms and side effects. But what do you know what I’m feeling when I’m sober? No one cares to know. When I’m hungry I’m a fat ass and I have to hurt my body to fix that mistake. When I’m sad no one wants to notice or deal with it. When I’m tired I’m a bum and a lazy deadbeat. Idk, it sounds cheesy but it’s like being high off of life is possible. After all, we experience so many emotions when we are sober, sometimes I swear I think I’m insane but then I remember I have a mental illness to blame it all on. So I think we should be happy when a person is sober. Not because they chose to make a “smart” decision about their health but because they are probably dying from the inside and have managed to keep themselves looking sane and tolerating assholes and if they are sober and happy then we should get a little high off of that persons happiness, to know they found something in their life that makes them forget bad things exist out there. After all, positivity rubs off and I don’t know about others, but I definitely become really excited to where I feel like I am high because I get to share someone’s happiness. I wish we were accepted for being weird but then I feel bad for the word “weird” because it would have no purpose. If everyone was weird then we would technically all be normal. But nowadays actually, there are so many weirdo’s that “normal” is becoming weird. Actually, sometimes I notice I give people too much credit for being who they are but later I notice they aren’t that special. You just happen to figure out that something you thought was so great is just … nothing special. That you could do better without that person, that you deserve to be special in someone’s eyes for once rather than you always giving people attention and in return you are just ignored and neglected…as usual. If drugs didn’t exist, what would we do? How would things get better? What would people do out of boredom? Test out one’s own talents and possibly get to know the other person? Nahhh, that’s just silly talk. No one does things like that nowadays. I really can’t tell what’s good or bad. I guess if we got it good we have nowhere else to look but at the bad things. Lately as you grow older, curiosity dies out and the only thing left to be curious about are drugs. I wish there was something I could focus on that I loved. That made me want to get up every morning and put me in a good mood and let other people see what I can do. People are living in their own worlds. You never know what they are feeling and they can hardly control what their feeling. That seems to good and confusing to give it such a boring label as being sober. Who says you can’t be high even if nothing was smoked, snorted or injected?
You know what thought keeps becoming more convincing inside my head? The fact that there is literally nothing I’m good enough for and everything I’m trying to be good at will only be just a small phase of failures that the rest of these stupid teenagers are also trying to be good at. Everyone is trying to think differently and be different but they all look the same to me and all just fucking confuse me. Are these the type of people that are suppose to keep me happy to be alive? Other people who want to continue to fuck up their mentality and also wana kill themselves. Maybe they can handle whatever situation they put themselves into but I’m just straight up …not interest in shit and I get easily overwhelmed. Everyone questions everything, everyone has their own little perspective and shit. What happens when I’m in my own little bubble and living my life through my oblivious point of view?…someone fucken fucks it up. I’m so fucking annoyed by everything and everyone and even myself. Every time I think I’m good at something, I feel like my effort is just wasted. Every time I feel like I found a believable answer to comfort myself in the moment (even if it’s not true) someone has to come fuck it up for me. I can’t even be the best fuck up out there. I’m a failure at being a failure and that makes me feel pathetic. I feel like closing off ppl from my life is making me close minded. I learned its just best to keep your opinions to yourself. Not so you don’t piss others off but so that others don’t piss u off. I just don’t wana deal with shit. I just wana keep the things that make me smile and focus on that for as long as I can because it really never does last that long. Even my friends start to notice that everyone leaves me. There’s never gona be that moment of satisfaction inside me for something I did or said. Life’s just a piece of shit and I will never win. There’s always a feeling of competition and its with the most unexpected people that I feel it with. Ya, we’re all full of curiosity and people can do whatever the fuck pleases them. I started dressing bummier, I started gaining weight, I don’t even have energy to make a effort to look good, I’m always tired, I hate the feeling of nostalgia because it makes me really miss times that I thought I was happy in. I mean I remember not being happy for the longest time but for some reason the past still looks better than right now and I realize it’s not because I was happy then but because I’m just getting sadder right now. I’m devastatingly bored. You become so angry and turn into a little kid throwing tantrums and becoming bitter and mean just because you don’t get what you want but you get to watch other people care about others and you just wonder why the fuck you can’t get that. There are people who are smart or outgoing or whatever and like how the fuck do I become that? Or how did I turn into this? Maybe I’m better off because i can’t keep up with peoples minds and the regular ways of how you act with someone because I feel like I’m so awkward and the one person who sometimes can tell when I’m down and asks me what’s wrong I can’t talk to because she’s my mom and I don’t talk to her about problems that will cause more problems and I just feel like an emotional mess and I have nothing to keep me happy and I have no reason to care. Even these complaints sound repetitive. Sometimes I feel like I have potential and I can make people happy but that feeling disappears so quickly when self doubt shows up. When I see that there are so many better people than me who seem to know what they are talking about and even if they don’t make sense at least they are content with the way they see things I just lose all sense of happiness that I worked for. It’s like I take one step forward and end up with two steps back and its exhausting working your way back up to being content with urself. I’m not good at talking about feelings. I’m good at hiding my feelings behind a computer screen and tearing my skin with blades I get from shaving razors. Sometimes I trip over shit that shouldn’t be focused on so much. But if I don’t like the way I feel about something then I can’t help it. I can’t figure out what it is that I need but I don’t wana continue to be as uptight as I can be at times. I don’t know…maybe it’s not certain matters that piss me off or what people say but the fear of what it will lead to afterwards. Its all fun and games until there’s some sort of loss, which usually there always is.
