I don’t have any more hard feelings left for life. I am out of tears man. It is what it is. I knew from the beginning that fucking with illegal things in public has no other consequence except for bad ones. Do stupid things and you will feel twice as stupid. And who am I kidding? Iv been rejected 483455432 times my whole life. There was no reason for things to be different this time. I blame myself for my faults. I can leave high school saying i got ditched for homecoming and I never went to prom. I stayed home and cut myself. Its not that I’m trying to make things harder than they are. Its just this is how iv learned to get over things, by being hard on myself. I over think when im sad, i over think more when im happy. My knowledge based on personal experiences are reflected on how I give advice to others, not on myself. I can’t tell if things are as bad as I’m making them sound or not a big deal at all. I definitely learned a lot and gained absolutely nothing. I’m definitely bummed out, that’s for sure. Rejection is something that nobody likes, no matter if its from family, from the opposite sex, from a job or school, or even from yourself. The process is a mind-draining, time-consuming, piece of shit waste of emotions that you have no control over. What is it in me that people say they see that looks so good and says so many interesting, thought provoking things but when the opportunity shows up I get fucked over every time. Wtf am I suppose to believe if people treat me like I look good but make me feel so ugly? Fuck, I’m graduating in less than a month. More of being forgotten. I don’t know if I should laugh everything off or if I should cry like a little bitch. I’m probably going to do both. My hearts just as big of fuck up as my mentality and nostalgia is making everything worse. Iv stayed in the same place for years but so much has changed. I’m keeping these emotional walls up. I have no interest in being interested in anyone or anything anymore. Fuck it if I’m being a selfish little cunt. People make it look like such a fun hobby fucking around with others, I really want to be the one on the other side for once and see how much fun it is letting someone down. But then again, I don’t have it in me to do that on purpose, and I have already done enough letting down to some certain adults. There are only two people who can see right through me and no what I mean and what I want based off of what I say and how I act. I wish people could understand me, especially people who mean something to me. Life would be so different if I had a relationship with my mom. But then again, I don’t even understand myself or this state of reality that we live in. We all end up nowhere as usual.
I would hate myself if I were someone else.
Sincerely, my depressing fuck of an ass. (I know I sound stupid but …w/e)
Just gotta rmbr…people are always going through way worse and are waaayy stupider.
I was recovering from last night, still feeling some of that good powder but exhausted and languid. I smelled…bad. I didn’t know what to do. I had nothing to do. I forced my body downstairs to go shower. Nobody was home so before hand I smoked some dro, smoked a cigg. I was missing my bong. Stupid cops took it. I know I shouldn’t be smoking, but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I wanted to smoke, so I smoked. I took my panties off. It smelled like cum. Lonely people masturbate a lot. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out if there is even a opposite gender out there good enough to touch you if you’ve kept to yourself and know what your body likes for so long. I know I can keep myself satisfied, but how do I know someone’s not going to hurt me after they use my body. I took my clothes off and put the music up really loud, just loud enough to annoy my nosey neighbors. Before I stepped into the shower, I kinda just stared at my body. Not because I’m conceited or anything. Just because, I was kind of disgusted. I didn’t know what to make of my reflection. I didn’t feel like showering, but I didn’t feel like I could continue on the day reeking like this. The last time I smelled this bad was in jail lol. I had an interesting night out last night. I didn’t know what was coming forward so I wanted to make the most of the opportunities I had to sneak out, to get fucked up, whatever, same shit. I took the longest, coldest shower I’ve ever taken in a long time and I felt really awake. I just stood there, repeating the same steps, scrubbing my body with soap and foaming my hair up with shampoo, only because I didn’t feel like getting out of the shower. I almost wished I could wash away all my problems, my mistakes. I thought about a lot of things. I wondered if I had what it took in me to last more than one night in jail. Probably not lol. But coming back home, I kinda miss it. Home doesn’t feel like home. I wondered what the cop was thinking when he handcuffed me and saw my cuts. I thought back to how much changed this year and how much remained the same. What could I have done differently to save myself from getting hurt? What could I do to make myself more interesting to someone I didn’t want to bore? The best thing about time though and over thinking, is that it tires you so much and you think about so many ways things could have been different, that you give up and realize what’s done is done and it really isn’t as big of a deal anymore. A majority of the time life is the one pushing me and forcing me to get over things, otherwise, I don’t think I would get over it. I was thinking about what it meant to be different. So many people give me that word to describe me and I don’t know what to make of it. Is it a compliment? Is different good? I don’t want to change for anybody. I want people to just accept me. I mostly only fuck myself when I’m stoned, just because that’s when I’m the most horny and careless. Ha, I probably don’t have to explain the rest of my shower then. I learned it is way easier to be alone than it is to care about people and be with them. We have everything it takes to survive by ourselves but it’s people who always fuck us up and get in the way because they make us feel something we want, that we can’t give ourselves. And then you want it more when you can’t have it. I got out the shower and stared at my face in the huge mirror. My mascara was all run down and I remember my mug shot. Ha. I don’t think it’s makeup that can fix an ugly bitch into a pretty one. It’s definitely more about your attitude. I felt awake when I got out the shower and I felt like I belonged this way but I was still worn out and you could see that on my face. I looked ugly. Then I remembered what I said when I was on acid. We’re all just skin. I don’t think people realize how quickly they can make something stuck in my mind and when I want it, there’s no forgetting it. And when I get it, I want it even more. That’s what it’s like with drugs. That’s what it’s like with people. And it’s just continuous torture. I know I need help and sometimes I want it but most times I don’t like to think about it or admit it or care for it because there is nothing interesting about being happy.
Drugs offer a different kind of happiness. And you don’t care about anything but I don’t know anymore if that is a good thing. You don’t care what you look like because you never felt good about yourself. You don’t feel like a female that deserves what a normal human deserves like little meaningful compliments and any focus that you had on yourself vanishes because you decide to change your reality for a little bit. You feel happy about the world yet so dull and bland about yourself. I think once you’re hooked on it, you aren’t allowing yourself to see what your full potential is. For some people they find greater things when their high and some people find redemption off of it. I couldnt explain my highs or teach anyone what I thought about the world during my high, when I’m sober because I forget. I know i miss it and I know I want it but I dont exactly know what it is that I am missing out on if I’m not on it. I just cant put my feelings into words. At the end of the day, I am still one lonely girl trying to find answers and I can be heart broken over and over and I can smoke or drink or whatever as many times as I want but I’m still the same when I’m all by myself. I feel like I should just accept that I will never get any answers and I will never be happy and I will never be able to make anyone else happy. I feel like if a person understands you, they will simply understand everything about you even if you don’t say much. But mostly, there will be people who leave too quickly without really giving you a chance to be understood and those type of people just shouldn’t be given that much time or effort. They can’t understand me, then they will never understand how much they mean to me. Let them go.
Maybe bad things happen to start off something good but it sucks how good things always finish and start off something terrible. I continue to let down people but life continues to let me down. The bad seems never ending and makes you notice how quickly you will have to accept that good things just aren’t meant to last in your life and that’s why being happy hurts me more than being sad. For a very long time I have felt that everything that has happened to me is something I deserve and thats probably because I do deserve it which is one reason why I started self harming because I spend so much time feeling guilty for lying over something that I think is worth lying for because it makes me happy. I thought I would be a stronger person after all this hurt that I have caused to myself and others but it’s made me a lot more weaker than I would expect. I have so many areas to work on to be emotionally stable but I never do anything to fix myself. Theres no way I will be happy if I don’t fix myself. Every time I have a desire to be with someone life always gets in the way, responsibilities get in the way, stupid dumb shit gets in the way but feelings never exist. For some reason I can’t seem to find someone who will forever keep me happy. I dont honestly think that exists out there but the possibilities of me fucking up seem like they will happen alot. Instead I’m just good at hurting people who are not people I am trying to hurt or have any emotions attached to. I feel like wanting to be happy holds me back too much as much as the fear of being too safe and going against what people don’t want me to do. If i did half the things or said half the things I wanted to do or felt like doing, people would think I’m fucking crazy. People always focus on the bad actions that good people do and make them seem bad but they never focus on how it all started off. I feel like I learned nothing from life and I’m just going to keep making mistakes. How can you experience so much and not care about something enough but new things that catch ur attention make u want to know everything about it. We always tend to want something that wants nothing to do with us. My actions have changed a lot in the past years that I wouldn’t have expected myself to do but each time I think about how I still feel like a little innocent girl inside and how in wish i could go back to those times where I was just curious and had something to dream about, had something to be proud for. But lately, that little girl has been lost. Shes gone. I could have been such a good and smart person. I could have been normal. I always fuck up. I’m just like any other fucked up girl. Sad and depressed. The only thing I would receive from people is pity and shame. Thats what happens when u try to be different and try to find yourself at the same time. You don’t get shit. You just keep losing a part of urself while u keep trying to make urself believe there is something better out there to live for. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to be sad right now. I deserve to feel this way.
If I could start all over, I wouldn’t want to include drinking, smoking or any drugs in my life at all. I don’t know if it would make any difference in my life or not but I know that sometimes its just too much to keep up with and I get tired of just its sole existance where everybody including myself can’t shut the fuck up about it. Seriously, how would people entertain themselves and balance their emotions if they didn’t turn to all this? Idk, I just know that I’m very tired.
Today has been a day filled with smoking for no reason (I’m getting bored off of my highs), draggin my high ass to high school, trying to console my friends second miscarriage, trying to stop my friend from cutting who doesn’t know I’m a cutter (so I have the perfect words to prevent her cuz I know how she feels but it isn’t easy on either of us), having an emotional breakdown, cutting, purging, crying, and a whole lot of nothing. I hate days like these, where your emotions just creep up on you without any warning and having the oh so wonderful gift of your monthly cycle during that moment doesn’t help calm your feelings down any better either. I’m just a mess. To everyone I may look mad, sad, happy, tired, whatevr. But I feel like a mess regardless of how I present myself. And today was just a terrible and useless day. I was starting to have suicidal thoughts again. They had went away for a while but I just had a strong urgue to wana end it today. What do we losers do when we are too afraid to kill ourselves? We hurt ourselves.
You know what I really want to feel? I want to feel awake. I want to feel that freshness when I wake up where I am like, it’s okay, I broke down the previous day but things are better now. Tears washed down my temporary emotions for another time and I can be happy with myself again. But it’s been a minute since I actually felt that redemption. It’s a cycle of emotions that just get worse each time you have the pleasure or the horror of experiencing them. It’s unhealthy being sensitive. I felt like I was being cornered by my emotions and I was alone and confused as to how I can have so many friends but not feel safe enough to go to someone for help. Cuz I need help. There’s not many times I have someone to bring me back to my senses. Normally it’s just me pushing aside my emotions because I’m fed up with them for the day. They always find a way back to me. Now I know what my friend was talking bout when she said she doesn’t want to feel like she needs fixing; like she doesn’t have a problem. It’s kinda scary.
So there’s this guy. Who I used to like way back last year. He kinda hurt me, it started off with something I said, so we stopped talking. Some people can’t handle the truth I guess. Typical asshole/ druggie/ deadbeat. But I mean, he was very good at playing with insecure girls feelings, so of course, I fell for it. Cuz he told me what a insecure girl liked to hear. We had this big argument, watever, over drugs and sex and shit and he stopped talking to me, just like…out of the blue. Like, I was dead to him. I was nothing. Do you know how small a person feels when you make a nobody feel too insignificant to even be labeled as a nobody? Very tinnyyyy. Sooo some tears were spilled and some new scars were made and time passed and that anger turned into sadness and that sadness turned into indifference and soon I got over it. It actually isn’t as serious as it sounds on here lol but ya. Like 6 months later or shit, this guy has the nerve to just tell me he misses me and be all sweet and kiss my ass. In the midst of our conversation, I come to find out that he doesn’t remember shit on why we stopped talking and I’m just like uhhhh…. what? That’s how fucked up you were…that you don’t even rmbr our convo. that made us stopped talking for like half a year? Like what did you think happened? His answer was “idk” and he wasn’t even sober. Like, I guess it’s funny when you talk about it out loud but sort of a slap in the face as well. You made me feel like shit because I opened up to you about your dumb habits and your horny ass doesn’t remember anything and your habits are still the same. Like shit, I wasted so much time being mad. This is why you just need to let people do whatever the fuck they want and if they end up in a fuckin casket then it’s all their fault. Same goes for my hypocritical ass. Anyways, maybe I can be dramatic at times cuz I’m a girl, but then again I can be easy going as well, so if I trip over something, it’s only cuz I’m watching out for you. Maybe some people just don’t know how to react when they finally have someone care for them.. eeyy-deee-kaayy… But I mean, as stupid as he made me feel, I don’t think he realizes how stupid he’s making himself look in front of me. That’s not really attractive and that does not make me want you back. I don’t understand why this happens. People always hurt me and then they leave me and then come back whenever they feel like it. Wtf do I look like? At least I’v learned to keep my mouth shut.
So I’m supposed to be taking acid for the first time this weekend with my friend but after being distressed all day and wanting to kill myself and drive myself into insanity while I’m sober, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for acid. It’s funny, I come to find out more and more of my friends have taken it. But I mean, I admit, I’m a bit weak-minded and will probably drive myself into a bad trip. Maybe it’s not for me. Idk, but I’m still debating on that. My mom keeps annoying me by asking me if I’m okay and why I look so sad and tired. Thanks for asking, really, but I don’t know wtf I’m supposed to say to you mom. Just leave me alone, you’re not the person to talk to. Id rather talk to a cat.
I’m miserable. Goodnight.
Its so hard to not eat. Especially after u smoke and ur starving but u don’t eat or even have any water in ur body. U feel so dizzy and feel like throwing up till the point where ur so hungry that ur appetite just gets ruined. And u feel full and end up not wanting to eat anythng. Sometimes u want to eat but ur mind and body don’t agree on the same thing. And then when ur calm enough to eat and have some food consumed in u , u regret it. U just stare at ur gut and wonder why didnt u just hold back rather than end up eating cuz ur just bored or some shit. Purging isn’t easy either. Drains me physically and emotionally and hurts my throat if it’s been a while since I haven’t done it. I mean, if we’re designed to be able to control our weight just by shoving a finger down your throat then it must mean that it’s okay to do it. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like its worth it.
I think fear sucks because it holds us back from so many things that don’t even matter. It holds a lot of people back from getting to know the good side of you and it especially holds you back from getting to know yourself to your full potential. Sometimes I get scared more for why I want something than the actual thing I want because I can’t understand why I would want to torture my heart so many times before I get the clue that you can’t let people walk all over you and you can’t keep running in fear and think that life’s problems will fix themselves during time. It’s just a feeling that stays with you. Our hearts are so sensitive, I don’t see why everyone can’t get that through our heads and try to treat a person better. And if someone is going to push us too far to the point where you need to face your fears, at least give them a reason to overcome it and find that the fear was just created in our minds due to the past. There’s always a fear of finding out that what I believe is true and that people will continue to be careless and be selfish and worry about themselves only. Then I’m scared that everything I hate will be everything I turn into. And the scariest feeling I believe that everyone else can relate to would be the idea of being alone forever. It’s just torture; you torture yourself by exposing who you are to people who will make you feel like they left you before they even got the chance to be close to you. I just don’t see the point of life if you have no one to love you. I’m not here to impress myself after all. I live in a world where judgment is a part of human nature and if I deserve to be treated like shit by people I think I also deserve someone who can make me forget that I’m crap. It’s nice to be reminded that I’m a girl and not some programmed robot trained to feel the same things every day and be placed in the same comfortable surrounding each day. I don’t want to feel blank and naked in societies eyes. I’d rather just live in a small world with one person and do whatever we felt like. The most boring things excite me. Love excites me. Nobody seems to be good enough though. And then I don’t seem good enough either. I wonder if the road leading to fear also leads to a door of happiness and contentment afterwards. I’m just bitter. Everyone seems so fucking perfect. I know they’re not though. Not even close. But they pull it off so well.
Nobody ever cares what you have been through
Subtle lines are the only way you can get anybody to notice
Your scars become a reflection of your unhappiness
Hoping someday someone will understand your pain
Even if you haven’t spoken a word
Everyone needs something to comfort them when u have nothing
Blades and knives become our closest friends
And red becomes our favorite color
It’s symbolic for anger but to me it means relief
Its the only way I can get rid of my grief
The sting is only lasting for a brief moment
Isnt it pathetic how much we would rather hurt our selves
Than deal with human beings
Who were the ones to hurt us in the beginning
Seems like there’s nothing better for people to do
Than to destroy innocent hearts who just want to feel complete
We grow up dreaming
Suddenly things start to blur and ur hope starts to become less
Than it did the day before
And dreams distort into night mares
And night mares cause you to fake insomnia
So that you don’t have to sleep and face your fears
Instead you bring out the beers and pop a couple pills
And you cut.
-maham c.
