People want life to be like a movie. But movies are just as predictable or not like people and life. There’s still people getting eatin by sharks, cartoons being hallucinated, breakups and sex and murder going on, ghosts popping up. Life is crazier than a movie. U should wish for movies to be life instead. Whatever that means haha. I mean most of my lifes imagination and wishes come from watching tv and movies. It influences everyone. We are parts of the movies we see.
I don’t think about things I don’t like to think about and thats probably why I make so many mistakes and get hurt so much because I’m oblivious to the shit thats happening in front of my eyes and I’m selfish and only think about my own feelings. Its like I end up creating my own reality in my head and get too caught up in it but the truth is never what it’s like in my head. But I think as many good things I create in my head, all the bad things come from my mind too. In actuality, I’m not close to anyone and I know no one will be close to me. I feel like I notice the wong things and the most common problems are ignored. That’s all for now.
Maybe bad things happen to start off something good but it sucks how good things always finish and start off something terrible. I continue to let down people but life continues to let me down. The bad seems never ending and makes you notice how quickly you will have to accept that good things just aren’t meant to last in your life and that’s why being happy hurts me more than being sad. For a very long time I have felt that everything that has happened to me is something I deserve and thats probably because I do deserve it which is one reason why I started self harming because I spend so much time feeling guilty for lying over something that I think is worth lying for because it makes me happy. I thought I would be a stronger person after all this hurt that I have caused to myself and others but it’s made me a lot more weaker than I would expect. I have so many areas to work on to be emotionally stable but I never do anything to fix myself. Theres no way I will be happy if I don’t fix myself. Every time I have a desire to be with someone life always gets in the way, responsibilities get in the way, stupid dumb shit gets in the way but feelings never exist. For some reason I can’t seem to find someone who will forever keep me happy. I dont honestly think that exists out there but the possibilities of me fucking up seem like they will happen alot. Instead I’m just good at hurting people who are not people I am trying to hurt or have any emotions attached to. I feel like wanting to be happy holds me back too much as much as the fear of being too safe and going against what people don’t want me to do. If i did half the things or said half the things I wanted to do or felt like doing, people would think I’m fucking crazy. People always focus on the bad actions that good people do and make them seem bad but they never focus on how it all started off. I feel like I learned nothing from life and I’m just going to keep making mistakes. How can you experience so much and not care about something enough but new things that catch ur attention make u want to know everything about it. We always tend to want something that wants nothing to do with us. My actions have changed a lot in the past years that I wouldn’t have expected myself to do but each time I think about how I still feel like a little innocent girl inside and how in wish i could go back to those times where I was just curious and had something to dream about, had something to be proud for. But lately, that little girl has been lost. Shes gone. I could have been such a good and smart person. I could have been normal. I always fuck up. I’m just like any other fucked up girl. Sad and depressed. The only thing I would receive from people is pity and shame. Thats what happens when u try to be different and try to find yourself at the same time. You don’t get shit. You just keep losing a part of urself while u keep trying to make urself believe there is something better out there to live for. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to be sad right now. I deserve to feel this way.
I think fear sucks because it holds us back from so many things that don’t even matter. It holds a lot of people back from getting to know the good side of you and it especially holds you back from getting to know yourself to your full potential. Sometimes I get scared more for why I want something than the actual thing I want because I can’t understand why I would want to torture my heart so many times before I get the clue that you can’t let people walk all over you and you can’t keep running in fear and think that life’s problems will fix themselves during time. It’s just a feeling that stays with you. Our hearts are so sensitive, I don’t see why everyone can’t get that through our heads and try to treat a person better. And if someone is going to push us too far to the point where you need to face your fears, at least give them a reason to overcome it and find that the fear was just created in our minds due to the past. There’s always a fear of finding out that what I believe is true and that people will continue to be careless and be selfish and worry about themselves only. Then I’m scared that everything I hate will be everything I turn into. And the scariest feeling I believe that everyone else can relate to would be the idea of being alone forever. It’s just torture; you torture yourself by exposing who you are to people who will make you feel like they left you before they even got the chance to be close to you. I just don’t see the point of life if you have no one to love you. I’m not here to impress myself after all. I live in a world where judgment is a part of human nature and if I deserve to be treated like shit by people I think I also deserve someone who can make me forget that I’m crap. It’s nice to be reminded that I’m a girl and not some programmed robot trained to feel the same things every day and be placed in the same comfortable surrounding each day. I don’t want to feel blank and naked in societies eyes. I’d rather just live in a small world with one person and do whatever we felt like. The most boring things excite me. Love excites me. Nobody seems to be good enough though. And then I don’t seem good enough either. I wonder if the road leading to fear also leads to a door of happiness and contentment afterwards. I’m just bitter. Everyone seems so fucking perfect. I know they’re not though. Not even close. But they pull it off so well.
As the smoke appears my chaotic thoughts disperse within the fog that I exhaled out to make me forget that I can never ever get what I want. I want “this” like iv never wanted anything before even though this feeling has visited me numerous times during the growth of my life with people who mean nothing now, but then my mind catches a sudden break that takes me in suprise from the quick and exiciting day dreams I have of you. What if I got what I wanted? What if me pursuing you was accomplished? Then what? We are so good at focusing on the worst thing that the positive side seems so unimaginative. But I feel like I would still fail, like how everybody else fails by being with someone else, because they never know how to keep up with their wish when it comes true. The idea of rejection makes me feel like a ugly little turtle wanting to hide away from the harshness of the world so that nobody can step all over my sensitive inner self and cause to much pain. Im too content with this loneliness to risk it for 5 seconds of the idea that someone wants to make me happy. You just know that it won’t last. I wonder if this is always going to occur? That I will be more occupied in the idea of wanting someone than actually being with someone. That I will forget how you truly treat a decent human being because I would be so caught up in my own head and my own fictional ideas that I lash out my bitterness on the wrong soul. But people are so good at being fake and happy, like they can almost make you feel like they are aloud to make you feel the way they make you feel. But feelings are supposed to be controlled by oneself. They act like they can get what they want out of you and then just leave because they got what they wanted or they didnt get satisfied enough. I don’t understand the use of why we need someone so much at times, but I don’t feel like coming up with more questions about just simple human nature when I know I will get no answers. Things are just the way they should be. Apparenlty lust means nothing but its the easiest and closest thing to becoming close with someone we like or love or whatever you wana call the feeling that has strangers even making the most miserable of us all happy. People are easy, people are sad, people are confused. Oh wait, maybe I’m just listing facts about myself lol. Oh well, I’m just going to wait for nothing to happen till I’m tired and find something bad about this person. Ugh, Idk why I’m so serious about things sometimes so much. I wish I could be like the rest of the kids out there who become joyful over just fucking around. Careless is the word. Im just over that shit. Im sadly one of those weird people who care too much. How can you care about nothing and no one? Idk, but my heart is making it seem like such a thing is possible. Just fucking around? Friends with benefits? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Labels just ruin the fun in everything; thats just typical and boring. If you know what you are then what else is there to do with your life. Then you’re just going to be focusing on other people too much. Maybe that’s why happy people are such cunts. Because they think they are perfection and know everything so they just end up talking shit about everyone and focus on why this person is always so depressing and emo all the time. What am I even talking about?
Oh gosh I just touched my fat roll, I feel like a fat hippo. Ugh, Ima go eat cookies.
Use me
And turn me into one less girl that you will never fall in love with
Because I can’t wait
I don’t find reason to
Search for a non-existent love that takes forever to find
I have questions in my mind
My imagination drives me wild
Especially at night when I look next to me
And there’s no one
Nothing but space and a stuffed toy from my childhood infatuation
I want you to feel my heart beat quicken
All it takes is a single touch
From the boy I like
That will notice me for my body and nothing more
A body that he can look past the flaws
Something I can’t ever love
And touch my scars as if it were a blessing to have them be a part of my skin
I want to experience lust in the way that everybody else does
Degrade my innocence with your disgusting habits
I want to know what is so special about this form of act
That can complete a person or tear them into pieces
If I passed away
I would leave with one less thing to be curious about
One less thing to feel empty about
One more thing to be educated about
I just want to feel special for one hour.
-Maham C.
I don’t know if I’m making everything worse for myself or if time is to blame for the poor quality of my own happiness. Things are coming to an end quick but I see nothing coming in the future. I know change is supposed to be a good thing, even though it may not seem like it, but it’s a scary feeling. We make people a habit, we make feelings a habit and when suddenly life doesn’t leave you any other option except to move onto another direction you become hesitant and unsure if you really hate your life as it is now or are you just afraid things won’t get any better later on. Because shit never fucking lasts. It really does not no matter what situation you are in. Feelings fucking suck, plain and simple. I can’t stop thinking about how things won’t be the same so soon anymore but it’s not like I ever acted so grateful of what I had around me so why should I deserve any sympathy? How is it possible that the feeling of loneliness seems so never ending, like it could last forever and you could pass by a million other feelings that relate to one being so vacant in the inside. The only thing I can do right now is see cutting as an answer to everything. Stupid humans. We spend so much time avoiding people and problems that would hurt us that we end up missing a huge opportunity and get hurt anyways and it’s worse because then you know you didn’t do anything for the thing you really wanted. The moment just passes you by. Hmm… I can’t seem to put my accurate feelings into this because I’m unsure about what this sort of feeling is called. Basically, there is no joy in my life because I keep fucking it up for myself so there becomes nothing to look forward to. Life is so safe right now. That sounds good but it doesn’t feel good. Because everything in a safe life is something that you see every day and just “deal with it” and make a routine of it and you don’t necessarily hate it but you just sort of blend in with the rest of the misery in the world around you and you blend in with the crowd becoming of no certain importance to anyone. And then when you get something taken away from you because everybody else in your life has to move the fuck on, it’s like, oh shit, an alarm clock wakes you up from the false reality that you make yourself each morning and you’re like, fuck, why didn’t I take advantage of what I had right now? …because I really want to keep what I have right now and I like things the way there are even if they suck ass and I want you in my life and I want to keep things how they are but just grow from there. I don’t want to lose myself in losing everything else I didn’t show enough affection to. As emotional as I can be, from the outside I suck at showing them off to others. Nobody ever gets to know what I’m really thinking or feeling because I’m so afraid to say it or I don’t know how to show it like normal people do. Why did I have to turn into such a shy little prick who can’t get what she wants for herself? What’s there to fear from rejection if it’s something even the best people out there have to face once in a while? I wonder how people can go through life without having no feelings if it’s basically what our life revolves around. Because feelings are practically something we trick our minds into believing and we let this illusion be the leader of how we are going to live and perceive this world and reality. Even when you are controlling your emotions and are just good at acting like a asshole, there have to be some bullshit of emotions somewhere in you to be controlled in the first place. Or no? Maybe life is easy and I’m just a big wuss.
Okay, so when your personality is just a big fail when it comes to boys, it’s not just the fact that you didn’t get to be with the one you want that hurts but it hurts your ego badly too. You think you have your judgement in people correct but there is always a side that people aren’t going to show you. I’m sure everyone has once or twice gone through an experience where they have found a really good-looking person but their personality just fucks everything up. Like they become awkward and just weird. Yea, that’s what I have sadly turned into. Why? I don’t fucking know. I just haven’t been myself lately. Im close to very few people and that’s only because of one thing and that’s called trust. The past couple of months after the downfall of my year long “relationshit”, my love life has just completely sucked. It’s been like 2 years where boys have just come, and just left, and the worst part is that a perfectly good friendship got fucked. It’s not that I can’t get a guy because I mean if it were based on looks, I could get a guy, but lately I have had no confidence in me and I sort of reject myself before someone else can reject me. I mean, its true when they say you can’t love someone else when you don’t even love yourself. I’m just so hard on myself and its for no fucking reason but I can’t control it. It’s like Ive become weakminded and desperate. And it’s over uneccesary shit. Bad self esteem and over thinking will cause you to ruin something that hasnt even been created yet. I feel like I’m in middle school watching my pretty girl friends get cute guys numbers when they have like a whole bunch of guys already and I’m just like uhh, I just want one person. And then theirs guys cheating. Or they will leave because you won’t have sex with them yet they aren’t even in a relationship with you. I mean, maybe the increasing number of pregnant girls in high school should give you a hint to maybe slow your pace down a little. The worst part about all this is.. is being ignored. Like shit, most horrible feeling in the world. Am I not good enough for a explanation. People just walk in and out your life whenever the fuck they want. Blah blah blah. I don’t wana complain anymore. Nor do I hate anyone. I just don’t get it. What’s wrong with me? Like, why am I holding back so much? I guess I just need to fix myself first and then worry about others afterwards.
But you know what I noticed? LIke, no matter how many guys a girl may seem like she has, their love life is still empty as a person who has zero guys with her because those numerous amount of guys are all probably shit heads. Same for guys. Nobody is doing anything correct with the matters of the heart. You can be perfectly good at seducing someone or whatever yet you can still be alone as fuck because the timing is just not right or maybe you’re just not the one. Or people who are happy in relationships yet their partner doesn’t even know that they’ve cheated on them so many times. Like, I guess no one is good at this. I guess Ile always be the one you can admire from far away but you will never get to know. Or maybe I will settle for less and become the other woman or be the rebound again because Im a desperate lonely hoe looking for the slightest attention a guy can give me.
So I told my friend to drop me home early from school because I was just feeling like shit. I don’t know what happened, I just had the sudden urge to cut and I didn’t take my razor to school with me. I just didn’t wana be surrounded by people from my school. They make me feel like I’m awkward and invisible and if I am ever noticed, it’s only cuz of my looks. Really, I just needed someone to talk to. Just my luck though, I come home and nobody is home and I forgot my house keys lol. So I am stuck outside. But I have my ciggs and its pretty nice weather. Sometimes I just can’t take it at school. It’s just extremely boring. I feel extremely boring. Me and my friend were talking about how good it feels when you just don’t give a fuck. Being careless really does give you a lot of power and you don’t always have to let others bring you down. But that doesn’t always last because stupid feelings get in the way. You always end up wanting something you can’t have or something you’re not good enough for.
I just realized I’m so stuck in the past and so oblivious to reality that I have been missing so many opportunities to make happy and positive memories, let alone any memories at all. It is like I have stopped time and completely gotten rid of any feelings and I am so selfish and so self-absored, I have forgotten the purpose of life. I have been missing chances because I am too busy self-doubting and self-pitying a perfectly good life and self- harming a perfectly adequate and average body that I have been given, because I can’t get my mind off of the past and the people who have hurt me. Yes, it has been a really long time since I have been hooked onto this habit of causing myself pain and feeling sorry for myself but I failed to realize how much mature and stronger I have gotten. Sadly, I have made many bad habits as a coping skill to deal with mistakes and it will probably take a lot of time and professional help to fix that, but I realized I am smart and so many people make numerable mistakes daily. Pain is a language that everyone can understand so we should be able to hold grudges less and empathise with the person who is hurt no matter how much we hate them and be human enough to forgive and just let it be and move on. People these days say so many things but we completely forget the meaning behind them. If a person is able to forgive and move on then they have grown the fuck up. I want to be a good human being but that is not a chore that I can just check off of my list when it is accomplished. If I am good person, if my heart is good enough, people will be able to tell, no matter how misunderstood my actions may seem. I may feel like shit and I may feel invisible but people will take notice of good actions. Teenagers these days are so caught up in stupid, useless shit mainly because of feelings that aren’t reciprocated back and the sad part is these feelings that everybody yearn so badly aren’t even feelings of true love, it is just lust and infatuation that people die for. Boredom is a disease; don’t let it get in the way of what you have always wanted to accomplish. Um. I guess that’s it?
You know what makes life so difficult? Not being able to decide if you really want to put a stop to your heartbreat or if you want to make it through the obstacles in life all the way to the point where u can find true inner happiness and all the pain becomes worthy. You become so stuck between these two very different options that you don’t know what to do when you wake up every morning. Is there hope out there? Of course there is always hope for things to become better. But there’s always bad things that come with the good. But good things will only happen if you make changes. I don’t think my life is going to change much because my life will always be tied down by my very close-minded parent’s decisions. Am I willing to wait more or haven’t I already waited enough to find out that even if I wanted to live a good life, there is always going to be a certain line that I cannot cross because what I want is not what my parent’s want and there is no way I can make them understand what type of person I am. Then everything seems pointless. Why am I living for someone else’s satisfaction when they haven’t even been able to look past my fake smile or ever really asked me if I’m happy? Parents always think a happy life means a safe routined life. That when you achieve success is when you can do whatever you want. I can barely make it throughout a day. Ha. Who knows what will happen in the future…
I really wana be seduced and I don’t really care by whom. I’m not bisexual or anything, trust me, but when I’m high or drunk, a female’s body moving looks like a piece of art. I don’t know…I suppose I’m just a curious little girl. I just want the attention. I want someone to take the time and effort to turn me on. Don’t play with my feelings… play with me. Guys these days don’t really put any time into a girl. But girl’s know what girl’s want. It feels good when someone can look past your flaws. It’s a fun game looking into someone’s eyes, and not saying anything, and knowing what you both want. Lust is fun. There are so many types of people out there to experience. Love is better though. But it doesn’t last. When you start to get lonely and bored you will just about try anything or open yourself up to anyone. It’s sad if you think about it, how many girls hate their body. But that’s the best thing about being a girl. There’s so much variety. You never know what you’re gona get from us. And if you’re confident about your body then you get to have so much control over someone. You could just about get anything out of anyone.
