I’m getting tired of feeling like a fuck up. I kind of just want to feel normal for once. Just deal with things the way they should happen and not force anything or over think it. I don’t understand what I do with people and how I start off relationships of any kind with them. I’m just weird and I’m getting tired of my random ways. My randomness is starting to become too predictable. I always put myself in situations where I make myself look too easy because I’m so open to what I say. I’m always open about the wrong things though. There’s so many guys who want to fuck me. Not a single one of them give a shit about me though. Half of them would stop talking to me if they found out how emo I can be at times and half of them would overlook that factor just because they think they have a chance to fuck me. Nobody will ever really know what I think of them. My feelings change quick. I can’t complain though, it’s all my fault. I wish I was more respectful towards myself. I bet if it weren’t for my looks nobody would even bother getting to know me. That’s how it was like when I was in elementary school and middle school. All you need is tits and a pretty face. Insecurity ruins it though. You grow up and start getting confused. Suddenly tits aren’t the only thing people want. They want a skinny body. Big ass. Um, idk some people don’t even like it and they want small tits and ass. People’s definition on beauty changes. Then you start find faults in yourself because nobody seems to like what you are made of. Like, you can have a lot going for you but it still doesn’t seem to be enough. Idk. I never learn my lesson and always go back to my old ways.. reminds me of my dad. I never take care of people who take care of me and I give so much attention and focus to people I know I’m nothing to. Maybe it’s the chase that excites me. The idea of what that person thinks of you, which could be anything and you don’t even know. It prevents boredom. Sometimes I put myself in situations where I’m so close to feeling death but I never go all the way. Like recently, I take enough pills to fuck me up and make me puke but darn, if I was gonna get fucked up I could have just tooken a few 20-40 more and just OD and make everything easier.. That’s how my friend killed herself. She took too many pills and died in her sleep. There’s something always holding me back but I’m always getting hurt. I’m getting so tired of being down on myself and making smaller things such a big deal.
As the smoke appears my chaotic thoughts disperse within the fog that I exhaled out to make me forget that I can never ever get what I want. I want “this” like iv never wanted anything before even though this feeling has visited me numerous times during the growth of my life with people who mean nothing now, but then my mind catches a sudden break that takes me in suprise from the quick and exiciting day dreams I have of you. What if I got what I wanted? What if me pursuing you was accomplished? Then what? We are so good at focusing on the worst thing that the positive side seems so unimaginative. But I feel like I would still fail, like how everybody else fails by being with someone else, because they never know how to keep up with their wish when it comes true. The idea of rejection makes me feel like a ugly little turtle wanting to hide away from the harshness of the world so that nobody can step all over my sensitive inner self and cause to much pain. Im too content with this loneliness to risk it for 5 seconds of the idea that someone wants to make me happy. You just know that it won’t last. I wonder if this is always going to occur? That I will be more occupied in the idea of wanting someone than actually being with someone. That I will forget how you truly treat a decent human being because I would be so caught up in my own head and my own fictional ideas that I lash out my bitterness on the wrong soul. But people are so good at being fake and happy, like they can almost make you feel like they are aloud to make you feel the way they make you feel. But feelings are supposed to be controlled by oneself. They act like they can get what they want out of you and then just leave because they got what they wanted or they didnt get satisfied enough. I don’t understand the use of why we need someone so much at times, but I don’t feel like coming up with more questions about just simple human nature when I know I will get no answers. Things are just the way they should be. Apparenlty lust means nothing but its the easiest and closest thing to becoming close with someone we like or love or whatever you wana call the feeling that has strangers even making the most miserable of us all happy. People are easy, people are sad, people are confused. Oh wait, maybe I’m just listing facts about myself lol. Oh well, I’m just going to wait for nothing to happen till I’m tired and find something bad about this person. Ugh, Idk why I’m so serious about things sometimes so much. I wish I could be like the rest of the kids out there who become joyful over just fucking around. Careless is the word. Im just over that shit. Im sadly one of those weird people who care too much. How can you care about nothing and no one? Idk, but my heart is making it seem like such a thing is possible. Just fucking around? Friends with benefits? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Labels just ruin the fun in everything; thats just typical and boring. If you know what you are then what else is there to do with your life. Then you’re just going to be focusing on other people too much. Maybe that’s why happy people are such cunts. Because they think they are perfection and know everything so they just end up talking shit about everyone and focus on why this person is always so depressing and emo all the time. What am I even talking about?
Oh gosh I just touched my fat roll, I feel like a fat hippo. Ugh, Ima go eat cookies.
This is my start of the day. Then I’le proly go cut myself and overdose on nyquil and pills till I knock out and start another whole depressing day. Im weird.
Hi Im home. Omg Im eating a fucking cheeseburger its so fuggin yummilicious in my tummy, I came home early before 6th period because well no reason really. My friend is in the hospital she just went so when I got that text I was supur scared for her because shes not just an ordinary friend, shes like my best friend since elementary. Imagine losing someone else when you’re so worried about ending ur own life. Trust me, it feels shitty when someone else dies and ur just left there like …being alive and shit and ur fucked up in the head. I hate being a teenager, cant wait to get over this stage. Maybe this is all a phase. Or maybe its just reality which is a untreated mental illness that drives me crazy. U no, yesterday I had the best fucking trip ever. I was by myself stoned all fucking day. I was fucking happy. I had no idea wat I was even saying to people or texting. Then I smoked this morning. And now my weed is gone! So Im left with nothing to make me happy and yesterday made me realize how fucking unhappy I was because when I was high yesterday, it felt like I hadnt been happy in so long. Maybe I’m just obsessed with weed. Idk but I couldnt stop thinking bout coke. Then this morning I wanted some heroin llmao random ass shit but I cant go that far but point is I cant stop thiking bout drugs man. There the only shit that keep me sane at home. It makes it easier to get through tthe day obviously. Holy fudge I have 214 followers. I wonder if yal actually read this shit. I love yal <3 um I had my head out in the window on the ride home because I was buying some paint shit …(ima paint all this depressing shit to freak my mom out and keep myself busy) and i felt like a fucking dog. Is that how awsome they feel when they get to stick their heads out the window? It must feel so good to be a bitch. Imagine how much shit we could get from being a bitch that we dont get from being nice. Anywho, I feel lonely. Ima go eat and do stuff. I don’t know. I’m such a loser. I want to buy a cat. I dont want anyone to bother me. I wana be alone.
Use me
And turn me into one less girl that you will never fall in love with
Because I can’t wait
I don’t find reason to
Search for a non-existent love that takes forever to find
I have questions in my mind
My imagination drives me wild
Especially at night when I look next to me
And there’s no one
Nothing but space and a stuffed toy from my childhood infatuation
I want you to feel my heart beat quicken
All it takes is a single touch
From the boy I like
That will notice me for my body and nothing more
A body that he can look past the flaws
Something I can’t ever love
And touch my scars as if it were a blessing to have them be a part of my skin
I want to experience lust in the way that everybody else does
Degrade my innocence with your disgusting habits
I want to know what is so special about this form of act
That can complete a person or tear them into pieces
If I passed away
I would leave with one less thing to be curious about
One less thing to feel empty about
One more thing to be educated about
I just want to feel special for one hour.
-Maham C.
hello followers :)
I hate my dad because he makes me feel like shit and makes me feel like a joke. Theres nothing but arguments and he lies so much. He’s a terrible person. He is so oblivious to what he is doing to me and my mom. He said its funny when I’m mad and fucking laughs in my face when I’m over here crying and pushing him and screaming and breaking my fucking shit. Like wtf is funny and he never has any answers to any of my questions. He has no common sense and he forces me to put up a nice act in front of his friends who I don’t know. When I turn 18 he won’t be able to make up any excuses anymore because I wont need his car or his money. So im glad he’s leaving this family because he has done nothing but put his family in distress and he’s a big piece of shit. I already feel so heartbroken and shitty because of the situation I have with boys and feeling so rejected and stupid. My dad makes everything worse. He has stayed only to cause more chaos but has never offered to take care of me or his wife. He just brings out a side of me where I hate every single male that I ever come across because all they ever do is hurt me and he’s hurt me the most and I can add up all the pain I have gotten from the opposite sex and my dad and the pain of cutting myself and possibly even killing myself wouldn’t even equal to the amount of sadness and hurt and anger I am feeling. Hurting myself would be a relief to make all this hurt dissapear. Like when I’m that much in pain my mind automatically goes to my fucking razor or just something that could hurt me like punching the wall or glass. I’m just mad. I always let things pass by me and make it seem like I’m okay with things because I want others to be happy and I always make it seem like I can get over it because I know i will eventually but it adds up and becomes such a huge burden and my dad brings out all those emotions in me to where to where I get so violent. But I’m not okay with it. I just want him out of my life. I was begging him to leave me alone and he just laughs. Like theres nobody to ever go to to get away from this shit. I can be as careless as I want because there’s not a fucking single human being who gives a dam bout my life and it so fucking hard to just tell myself to get through the day and that I don’t need anyone. I just can’t wait till there is just peace in the house and its just my me and my mom. I really need a foundation to start from in my life because I’m a complete fucking mess and I am so lazy and so lost about myself and life. Theres just so much work I have to do that I owe to myself to have a good life and my mom because my dad hasn’t offered shit and I’m tired of depending on people. I really just wana give up on guys. Like I get it, I’m not pretty and I’m awkward and I need to fix myself so I just need to get over it and do something for myself that wont make me feel like a failure.
If I was a mom, I think it would be the most scariest and saddest feelings to know that my kid is hurting themselves and is feeling suicidal. I would feel like a failure to know that they had to hide something like this from me. So it kinda makes me feel guilty to know I’m doing all this and my mom thinks everything is fine. I feel like I’m failing my mom. I feel guilty to say shes sort of been part of the reason why I do it.
Before/After
I came out smelling worse than when I entered my bathtub, like a burning ashtray. I had been soaking in hot water, pretty much like a lifeless body because I was barely moving, and I took my mini lighter which I had stolen from Walmart a couple days go, and lighted my cigarette. Idk why I stole it, I had plenty of lighters at home. I inhaled a puff of smoke and just stared at my clean shaven body, which just looked like a bunch of fat to me. I stared at the subtle scars on my wrist, which nobody would even notice was there unless u stared hard enough while being aware at the fact that I had cut myself a couple weeks go. I was sober and it has been a while since I had been sober. I had been feeling like I was on top of the world lately, I felt powerful and insanely good, like nothing could get in my way. Of course that was because of the drugs. While I was feeling great off of cocaine, I had forgotten that I wasn’t so …great. I hadnt thought of suicide or cutting or anything in a couple days although it felt like eternity and I forgot that that was a big part of who I was. I cant seem to let go of letting go. I had only been focusing on my highs while I was high and when I wasn’t, I could only make myself feel low. As I lay there in my tub, I closed my eyes and forgot about my lit cigarette only until the ashes fell all over my stomach and burned me. Now I reeked even more. I thought of getting out and taking the rest of those pills that I had gotten from a party. I thought of taking the blade off of my shaving razor and cutting myself. Instead I just turned on the water to burning hot and washed my body clean. My scalp burned from the hot water since I had been itching it so hard a while go that it was bleeding. I wasnt even itchy. I felt bloated. I had barely eaten though. I was tired. I hadnt had a goodnites sleep. I decided that if I was going out tonight and tommorow, that I didnt feel like dealing with hiding scars or wearing bracelets or being fucked up before I was gonna get fucked up. Im not even sad. These feelings are just natural. If that makes sense?
sadness is like a cuts-it hurts a lot
(Source: undead-fox-eat-brains)
