I don’t have any more hard feelings left for life. I am out of tears man. It is what it is. I knew from the beginning that fucking with illegal things in public has no other consequence except for bad ones. Do stupid things and you will feel twice as stupid. And who am I kidding? Iv been rejected 483455432 times my whole life. There was no reason for things to be different this time. I blame myself for my faults. I can leave high school saying i got ditched for homecoming and I never went to prom. I stayed home and cut myself. Its not that I’m trying to make things harder than they are. Its just this is how iv learned to get over things, by being hard on myself. I over think when im sad, i over think more when im happy. My knowledge based on personal experiences are reflected on how I give advice to others, not on myself. I can’t tell if things are as bad as I’m making them sound or not a big deal at all. I definitely learned a lot and gained absolutely nothing. I’m definitely bummed out, that’s for sure. Rejection is something that nobody likes, no matter if its from family, from the opposite sex, from a job or school, or even from yourself. The process is a mind-draining, time-consuming, piece of shit waste of emotions that you have no control over. What is it in me that people say they see that looks so good and says so many interesting, thought provoking things but when the opportunity shows up I get fucked over every time. Wtf am I suppose to believe if people treat me like I look good but make me feel so ugly? Fuck, I’m graduating in less than a month. More of being forgotten. I don’t know if I should laugh everything off or if I should cry like a little bitch. I’m probably going to do both. My hearts just as big of fuck up as my mentality and nostalgia is making everything worse. Iv stayed in the same place for years but so much has changed. I’m keeping these emotional walls up. I have no interest in being interested in anyone or anything anymore. Fuck it if I’m being a selfish little cunt. People make it look like such a fun hobby fucking around with others, I really want to be the one on the other side for once and see how much fun it is letting someone down. But then again, I don’t have it in me to do that on purpose, and I have already done enough letting down to some certain adults. There are only two people who can see right through me and no what I mean and what I want based off of what I say and how I act. I wish people could understand me, especially people who mean something to me. Life would be so different if I had a relationship with my mom. But then again, I don’t even understand myself or this state of reality that we live in. We all end up nowhere as usual.
I would hate myself if I were someone else.
Sincerely, my depressing fuck of an ass. (I know I sound stupid but …w/e)
Just gotta rmbr…people are always going through way worse and are waaayy stupider.
Whenever I feel like cutting myself or I feel extremely alone I just leave school. If I have no one to go to I might as well be alone at home rather than be a mood killer to everyone else around me. U can go home and close ur eyes and be quiet and not have to make things awkward because theirs no one waching you and u can just rest. Cant promise that the loneliness will go away though. I get so tired of always making decisions by myself and doing things by myself. I don’t mind it but I don’t prefer it that way all the time either.
Today has been a day filled with smoking for no reason (I’m getting bored off of my highs), draggin my high ass to high school, trying to console my friends second miscarriage, trying to stop my friend from cutting who doesn’t know I’m a cutter (so I have the perfect words to prevent her cuz I know how she feels but it isn’t easy on either of us), having an emotional breakdown, cutting, purging, crying, and a whole lot of nothing. I hate days like these, where your emotions just creep up on you without any warning and having the oh so wonderful gift of your monthly cycle during that moment doesn’t help calm your feelings down any better either. I’m just a mess. To everyone I may look mad, sad, happy, tired, whatevr. But I feel like a mess regardless of how I present myself. And today was just a terrible and useless day. I was starting to have suicidal thoughts again. They had went away for a while but I just had a strong urgue to wana end it today. What do we losers do when we are too afraid to kill ourselves? We hurt ourselves.
You know what I really want to feel? I want to feel awake. I want to feel that freshness when I wake up where I am like, it’s okay, I broke down the previous day but things are better now. Tears washed down my temporary emotions for another time and I can be happy with myself again. But it’s been a minute since I actually felt that redemption. It’s a cycle of emotions that just get worse each time you have the pleasure or the horror of experiencing them. It’s unhealthy being sensitive. I felt like I was being cornered by my emotions and I was alone and confused as to how I can have so many friends but not feel safe enough to go to someone for help. Cuz I need help. There’s not many times I have someone to bring me back to my senses. Normally it’s just me pushing aside my emotions because I’m fed up with them for the day. They always find a way back to me. Now I know what my friend was talking bout when she said she doesn’t want to feel like she needs fixing; like she doesn’t have a problem. It’s kinda scary.
So there’s this guy. Who I used to like way back last year. He kinda hurt me, it started off with something I said, so we stopped talking. Some people can’t handle the truth I guess. Typical asshole/ druggie/ deadbeat. But I mean, he was very good at playing with insecure girls feelings, so of course, I fell for it. Cuz he told me what a insecure girl liked to hear. We had this big argument, watever, over drugs and sex and shit and he stopped talking to me, just like…out of the blue. Like, I was dead to him. I was nothing. Do you know how small a person feels when you make a nobody feel too insignificant to even be labeled as a nobody? Very tinnyyyy. Sooo some tears were spilled and some new scars were made and time passed and that anger turned into sadness and that sadness turned into indifference and soon I got over it. It actually isn’t as serious as it sounds on here lol but ya. Like 6 months later or shit, this guy has the nerve to just tell me he misses me and be all sweet and kiss my ass. In the midst of our conversation, I come to find out that he doesn’t remember shit on why we stopped talking and I’m just like uhhhh…. what? That’s how fucked up you were…that you don’t even rmbr our convo. that made us stopped talking for like half a year? Like what did you think happened? His answer was “idk” and he wasn’t even sober. Like, I guess it’s funny when you talk about it out loud but sort of a slap in the face as well. You made me feel like shit because I opened up to you about your dumb habits and your horny ass doesn’t remember anything and your habits are still the same. Like shit, I wasted so much time being mad. This is why you just need to let people do whatever the fuck they want and if they end up in a fuckin casket then it’s all their fault. Same goes for my hypocritical ass. Anyways, maybe I can be dramatic at times cuz I’m a girl, but then again I can be easy going as well, so if I trip over something, it’s only cuz I’m watching out for you. Maybe some people just don’t know how to react when they finally have someone care for them.. eeyy-deee-kaayy… But I mean, as stupid as he made me feel, I don’t think he realizes how stupid he’s making himself look in front of me. That’s not really attractive and that does not make me want you back. I don’t understand why this happens. People always hurt me and then they leave me and then come back whenever they feel like it. Wtf do I look like? At least I’v learned to keep my mouth shut.
So I’m supposed to be taking acid for the first time this weekend with my friend but after being distressed all day and wanting to kill myself and drive myself into insanity while I’m sober, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for acid. It’s funny, I come to find out more and more of my friends have taken it. But I mean, I admit, I’m a bit weak-minded and will probably drive myself into a bad trip. Maybe it’s not for me. Idk, but I’m still debating on that. My mom keeps annoying me by asking me if I’m okay and why I look so sad and tired. Thanks for asking, really, but I don’t know wtf I’m supposed to say to you mom. Just leave me alone, you’re not the person to talk to. Id rather talk to a cat.
I’m miserable. Goodnight.
Its so hard to not eat. Especially after u smoke and ur starving but u don’t eat or even have any water in ur body. U feel so dizzy and feel like throwing up till the point where ur so hungry that ur appetite just gets ruined. And u feel full and end up not wanting to eat anythng. Sometimes u want to eat but ur mind and body don’t agree on the same thing. And then when ur calm enough to eat and have some food consumed in u , u regret it. U just stare at ur gut and wonder why didnt u just hold back rather than end up eating cuz ur just bored or some shit. Purging isn’t easy either. Drains me physically and emotionally and hurts my throat if it’s been a while since I haven’t done it. I mean, if we’re designed to be able to control our weight just by shoving a finger down your throat then it must mean that it’s okay to do it. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like its worth it.
What if there is no such thing as reality? Like being sober is just another type of high. Where the effects are boredom, depression, confusion. Cuz I mean even when we are sober there are certain experiences that are unforgettable and quicken our heartbeats. Maybe we get boredom in return for being boring ourselves. And after a while of being sober, you just need something more exciting, something that can change the way you feel again. You need more of what makes you happy. And then when that happiness is gone you search your whole life in depression mode, becoming desperate and addicted to any temporary habits that can make you forget your life sucks without happiness. Isn’t that similar to a normal drug abuse? We get something to make us forget about the pathetic boring and painful life we have and we experience more feelings off of this shit that obviously you can’t get true happiness off of from and you can’t last your whole life with it but u need more and more of it each time to make that feeling remain and become comfortable. You can still feel the same things when your high as you can when your sober. It’s possible. So maybe drugs are really bad and life is really good or life is really bad and drugs are really good but either way we humans tend to lose ourselves in it. And everyone views things so differently, how can we all accept that we are living in one same planet with the same values and beliefs and morals. If there is a label for it then I suppose being sober is a new high. Sometimes when I’m high I let myself get away with making a stupid mistake that I really wanted to commit because I had the balls to do it under a certain herb or chemical. But I make mistakes when I’m sober too. It’s less accepted because I’m being myself and people can’t understand why I’m like this when I’m sober. You know when I’m high so you know Ile get the munchies and you know I will get tired and there is no need to explain myself. Everyone is aware of the symptoms and side effects. But what do you know what I’m feeling when I’m sober? No one cares to know. When I’m hungry I’m a fat ass and I have to hurt my body to fix that mistake. When I’m sad no one wants to notice or deal with it. When I’m tired I’m a bum and a lazy deadbeat. Idk, it sounds cheesy but it’s like being high off of life is possible. After all, we experience so many emotions when we are sober, sometimes I swear I think I’m insane but then I remember I have a mental illness to blame it all on. So I think we should be happy when a person is sober. Not because they chose to make a “smart” decision about their health but because they are probably dying from the inside and have managed to keep themselves looking sane and tolerating assholes and if they are sober and happy then we should get a little high off of that persons happiness, to know they found something in their life that makes them forget bad things exist out there. After all, positivity rubs off and I don’t know about others, but I definitely become really excited to where I feel like I am high because I get to share someone’s happiness. I wish we were accepted for being weird but then I feel bad for the word “weird” because it would have no purpose. If everyone was weird then we would technically all be normal. But nowadays actually, there are so many weirdo’s that “normal” is becoming weird. Actually, sometimes I notice I give people too much credit for being who they are but later I notice they aren’t that special. You just happen to figure out that something you thought was so great is just … nothing special. That you could do better without that person, that you deserve to be special in someone’s eyes for once rather than you always giving people attention and in return you are just ignored and neglected…as usual. If drugs didn’t exist, what would we do? How would things get better? What would people do out of boredom? Test out one’s own talents and possibly get to know the other person? Nahhh, that’s just silly talk. No one does things like that nowadays. I really can’t tell what’s good or bad. I guess if we got it good we have nowhere else to look but at the bad things. Lately as you grow older, curiosity dies out and the only thing left to be curious about are drugs. I wish there was something I could focus on that I loved. That made me want to get up every morning and put me in a good mood and let other people see what I can do. People are living in their own worlds. You never know what they are feeling and they can hardly control what their feeling. That seems to good and confusing to give it such a boring label as being sober. Who says you can’t be high even if nothing was smoked, snorted or injected?
You know what thought keeps becoming more convincing inside my head? The fact that there is literally nothing I’m good enough for and everything I’m trying to be good at will only be just a small phase of failures that the rest of these stupid teenagers are also trying to be good at. Everyone is trying to think differently and be different but they all look the same to me and all just fucking confuse me. Are these the type of people that are suppose to keep me happy to be alive? Other people who want to continue to fuck up their mentality and also wana kill themselves. Maybe they can handle whatever situation they put themselves into but I’m just straight up …not interest in shit and I get easily overwhelmed. Everyone questions everything, everyone has their own little perspective and shit. What happens when I’m in my own little bubble and living my life through my oblivious point of view?…someone fucken fucks it up. I’m so fucking annoyed by everything and everyone and even myself. Every time I think I’m good at something, I feel like my effort is just wasted. Every time I feel like I found a believable answer to comfort myself in the moment (even if it’s not true) someone has to come fuck it up for me. I can’t even be the best fuck up out there. I’m a failure at being a failure and that makes me feel pathetic. I feel like closing off ppl from my life is making me close minded. I learned its just best to keep your opinions to yourself. Not so you don’t piss others off but so that others don’t piss u off. I just don’t wana deal with shit. I just wana keep the things that make me smile and focus on that for as long as I can because it really never does last that long. Even my friends start to notice that everyone leaves me. There’s never gona be that moment of satisfaction inside me for something I did or said. Life’s just a piece of shit and I will never win. There’s always a feeling of competition and its with the most unexpected people that I feel it with. Ya, we’re all full of curiosity and people can do whatever the fuck pleases them. I started dressing bummier, I started gaining weight, I don’t even have energy to make a effort to look good, I’m always tired, I hate the feeling of nostalgia because it makes me really miss times that I thought I was happy in. I mean I remember not being happy for the longest time but for some reason the past still looks better than right now and I realize it’s not because I was happy then but because I’m just getting sadder right now. I’m devastatingly bored. You become so angry and turn into a little kid throwing tantrums and becoming bitter and mean just because you don’t get what you want but you get to watch other people care about others and you just wonder why the fuck you can’t get that. There are people who are smart or outgoing or whatever and like how the fuck do I become that? Or how did I turn into this? Maybe I’m better off because i can’t keep up with peoples minds and the regular ways of how you act with someone because I feel like I’m so awkward and the one person who sometimes can tell when I’m down and asks me what’s wrong I can’t talk to because she’s my mom and I don’t talk to her about problems that will cause more problems and I just feel like an emotional mess and I have nothing to keep me happy and I have no reason to care. Even these complaints sound repetitive. Sometimes I feel like I have potential and I can make people happy but that feeling disappears so quickly when self doubt shows up. When I see that there are so many better people than me who seem to know what they are talking about and even if they don’t make sense at least they are content with the way they see things I just lose all sense of happiness that I worked for. It’s like I take one step forward and end up with two steps back and its exhausting working your way back up to being content with urself. I’m not good at talking about feelings. I’m good at hiding my feelings behind a computer screen and tearing my skin with blades I get from shaving razors. Sometimes I trip over shit that shouldn’t be focused on so much. But if I don’t like the way I feel about something then I can’t help it. I can’t figure out what it is that I need but I don’t wana continue to be as uptight as I can be at times. I don’t know…maybe it’s not certain matters that piss me off or what people say but the fear of what it will lead to afterwards. Its all fun and games until there’s some sort of loss, which usually there always is.
Imagine being a loser and it meaning absolutely nothing to no one. What you do will be meaningless to the elderly or even anyone. I’m wondering what if the things that we complain about is what makes up life? We grow up following our guardians morals and end up slowly losing our values because of all the fucked up shit that gets in the way of what we want and after being treated like fucking dirt and coming to the lowest point of our life, we are still expected to follow the subtle rules of society like go to school, get a job, get a family, stay abstinent, settle down, don’t do drugs, die. I mean theres nothing wrong with that because thats how we get through life. But if we didnt need that…damn imagine how amazing it would be if there was no such thing as fucking up. You wouldn’t have to follow rules, listen to anybody, clean up shit and worry about money and education. Honestly what I learned in school hasn’t gotten me very far and the kind of knowledge I have is pretty unimportant to anyone that isn’t me. You could actually get some rest instead of tossing and turning in bed being tortured by ur loud brain and unwanted ideas. I feel like it wud be fucking amazing if we just lived in a dirt filled forest and wore the same crap everyday and smelled like shit and just didn’t care for anyones opinion. You smoke ur dope and just feel so happy ur completely oblivious to anyone elses opinion. But then if everybody had freedom, there would be less time to form opinions because everyone would be so chill, minding ones own business, having nothing to form, nothing to move on from and move on to. If u wnted something u cud just create it then and there. Why couldn’t the purpose of life be that there is no purpose. I mean that is what I think of life right now but only because people make me resent it and thats just my opinion but I mean if it literally had no purpose, like we did whatever we wanted, that be fucking awesome. If half the people right now had the opportunity to leave what they have right now for something they want, even a moment of peace, imagine how different they would be. There’d be inner peace. It be like u got chance to find urself. Its fucking rare these days to have the thing u want from life and the thing u have to do to get through life be the same shit. Chances are sacrifices are going to have to be made. Ur not lost inside this shit of pain caused by other people. Ur not trying to convince urself there’s a reason God put u into this world because there wouldn’t be a reason except to be happy and enjoy people and nature. I don’t know how the rest of the world would work out like but the idea of making reality something it isn’t gives me a sense of childish happiness. The really naive kind of giddiness that u get inside from something that will never really happen but ur just so into the thought of it that u just make urself believe it’s possible. Just focus on the little beauty inside things. I feel like my heart is trapped in a cage and I just want to find relief in life. I want to be able to feel good and not have that feeling dissapear so drastically.
Damn I’m tired. But the good kind of tired. The kind where u come home exhausted not mentally but actually physically tired and ur room is a fucking mess and theres clothes and paint and makeup all over but u don’t give a shit…u just knock out. keeping busy seems to be the best and worst thing ever because u don’t have time to think about anything else but time flashes by quick in front of ur eyes. There is no time for life. Is this how it is for workaholics? They do the same shit everyday and u can’t even tell the difference when the day has passed and the new one has come. U don’t get to think or get caught up in ur day dreams. Ur just a blank mind, practically a machine. And then when u go home ur too tired to think. To tired to care to look at ur non existent phone calls and ur empty inbox to be reminded that ur lonelier than ever. U fucking sleep. Thats just amazing…to be tired and for once be able to get rest. I wish I didn’t want anything so that I could be less restless and anxious and more of a nothing. That way I would have no worries. But I’m good at nothing I do so I’m barely ever busy. More like just lost in my own thoughts unfortunately.
This is my start of the day. Then I’le proly go cut myself and overdose on nyquil and pills till I knock out and start another whole depressing day. Im weird.
