My mom saw my cuts. After more than 3 years of cutting, she saw them for the first time. Seriously, something weird has been happening with me. I have never had so many bad and frightening things happen to me all at once. That was so scary. She was crying. I didn’t know what to tell her. To me it wasn’t a big deal because iv been doing it for so long and its not like my intentions were to kill myself but she thought it was. Omg more than ever now i wish i had someone here to comfort me. I feel so broken and vulnerable. Now I will have to find somewhere else to cut. I feel so emotionally awkward. I fuck up things with everybody, i have no idea how to work any type of relationship with anybody.
I don’t have any more hard feelings left for life. I am out of tears man. It is what it is. I knew from the beginning that fucking with illegal things in public has no other consequence except for bad ones. Do stupid things and you will feel twice as stupid. And who am I kidding? Iv been rejected 483455432 times my whole life. There was no reason for things to be different this time. I blame myself for my faults. I can leave high school saying i got ditched for homecoming and I never went to prom. I stayed home and cut myself. Its not that I’m trying to make things harder than they are. Its just this is how iv learned to get over things, by being hard on myself. I over think when im sad, i over think more when im happy. My knowledge based on personal experiences are reflected on how I give advice to others, not on myself. I can’t tell if things are as bad as I’m making them sound or not a big deal at all. I definitely learned a lot and gained absolutely nothing. I’m definitely bummed out, that’s for sure. Rejection is something that nobody likes, no matter if its from family, from the opposite sex, from a job or school, or even from yourself. The process is a mind-draining, time-consuming, piece of shit waste of emotions that you have no control over. What is it in me that people say they see that looks so good and says so many interesting, thought provoking things but when the opportunity shows up I get fucked over every time. Wtf am I suppose to believe if people treat me like I look good but make me feel so ugly? Fuck, I’m graduating in less than a month. More of being forgotten. I don’t know if I should laugh everything off or if I should cry like a little bitch. I’m probably going to do both. My hearts just as big of fuck up as my mentality and nostalgia is making everything worse. Iv stayed in the same place for years but so much has changed. I’m keeping these emotional walls up. I have no interest in being interested in anyone or anything anymore. Fuck it if I’m being a selfish little cunt. People make it look like such a fun hobby fucking around with others, I really want to be the one on the other side for once and see how much fun it is letting someone down. But then again, I don’t have it in me to do that on purpose, and I have already done enough letting down to some certain adults. There are only two people who can see right through me and no what I mean and what I want based off of what I say and how I act. I wish people could understand me, especially people who mean something to me. Life would be so different if I had a relationship with my mom. But then again, I don’t even understand myself or this state of reality that we live in. We all end up nowhere as usual.
I would hate myself if I were someone else.
Sincerely, my depressing fuck of an ass. (I know I sound stupid but …w/e)
Just gotta rmbr…people are always going through way worse and are waaayy stupider.
Today has been a day filled with smoking for no reason (I’m getting bored off of my highs), draggin my high ass to high school, trying to console my friends second miscarriage, trying to stop my friend from cutting who doesn’t know I’m a cutter (so I have the perfect words to prevent her cuz I know how she feels but it isn’t easy on either of us), having an emotional breakdown, cutting, purging, crying, and a whole lot of nothing. I hate days like these, where your emotions just creep up on you without any warning and having the oh so wonderful gift of your monthly cycle during that moment doesn’t help calm your feelings down any better either. I’m just a mess. To everyone I may look mad, sad, happy, tired, whatevr. But I feel like a mess regardless of how I present myself. And today was just a terrible and useless day. I was starting to have suicidal thoughts again. They had went away for a while but I just had a strong urgue to wana end it today. What do we losers do when we are too afraid to kill ourselves? We hurt ourselves.
You know what I really want to feel? I want to feel awake. I want to feel that freshness when I wake up where I am like, it’s okay, I broke down the previous day but things are better now. Tears washed down my temporary emotions for another time and I can be happy with myself again. But it’s been a minute since I actually felt that redemption. It’s a cycle of emotions that just get worse each time you have the pleasure or the horror of experiencing them. It’s unhealthy being sensitive. I felt like I was being cornered by my emotions and I was alone and confused as to how I can have so many friends but not feel safe enough to go to someone for help. Cuz I need help. There’s not many times I have someone to bring me back to my senses. Normally it’s just me pushing aside my emotions because I’m fed up with them for the day. They always find a way back to me. Now I know what my friend was talking bout when she said she doesn’t want to feel like she needs fixing; like she doesn’t have a problem. It’s kinda scary.
So there’s this guy. Who I used to like way back last year. He kinda hurt me, it started off with something I said, so we stopped talking. Some people can’t handle the truth I guess. Typical asshole/ druggie/ deadbeat. But I mean, he was very good at playing with insecure girls feelings, so of course, I fell for it. Cuz he told me what a insecure girl liked to hear. We had this big argument, watever, over drugs and sex and shit and he stopped talking to me, just like…out of the blue. Like, I was dead to him. I was nothing. Do you know how small a person feels when you make a nobody feel too insignificant to even be labeled as a nobody? Very tinnyyyy. Sooo some tears were spilled and some new scars were made and time passed and that anger turned into sadness and that sadness turned into indifference and soon I got over it. It actually isn’t as serious as it sounds on here lol but ya. Like 6 months later or shit, this guy has the nerve to just tell me he misses me and be all sweet and kiss my ass. In the midst of our conversation, I come to find out that he doesn’t remember shit on why we stopped talking and I’m just like uhhhh…. what? That’s how fucked up you were…that you don’t even rmbr our convo. that made us stopped talking for like half a year? Like what did you think happened? His answer was “idk” and he wasn’t even sober. Like, I guess it’s funny when you talk about it out loud but sort of a slap in the face as well. You made me feel like shit because I opened up to you about your dumb habits and your horny ass doesn’t remember anything and your habits are still the same. Like shit, I wasted so much time being mad. This is why you just need to let people do whatever the fuck they want and if they end up in a fuckin casket then it’s all their fault. Same goes for my hypocritical ass. Anyways, maybe I can be dramatic at times cuz I’m a girl, but then again I can be easy going as well, so if I trip over something, it’s only cuz I’m watching out for you. Maybe some people just don’t know how to react when they finally have someone care for them.. eeyy-deee-kaayy… But I mean, as stupid as he made me feel, I don’t think he realizes how stupid he’s making himself look in front of me. That’s not really attractive and that does not make me want you back. I don’t understand why this happens. People always hurt me and then they leave me and then come back whenever they feel like it. Wtf do I look like? At least I’v learned to keep my mouth shut.
So I’m supposed to be taking acid for the first time this weekend with my friend but after being distressed all day and wanting to kill myself and drive myself into insanity while I’m sober, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for acid. It’s funny, I come to find out more and more of my friends have taken it. But I mean, I admit, I’m a bit weak-minded and will probably drive myself into a bad trip. Maybe it’s not for me. Idk, but I’m still debating on that. My mom keeps annoying me by asking me if I’m okay and why I look so sad and tired. Thanks for asking, really, but I don’t know wtf I’m supposed to say to you mom. Just leave me alone, you’re not the person to talk to. Id rather talk to a cat.
I’m miserable. Goodnight.
Nobody ever cares what you have been through
Subtle lines are the only way you can get anybody to notice
Your scars become a reflection of your unhappiness
Hoping someday someone will understand your pain
Even if you haven’t spoken a word
Everyone needs something to comfort them when u have nothing
Blades and knives become our closest friends
And red becomes our favorite color
It’s symbolic for anger but to me it means relief
Its the only way I can get rid of my grief
The sting is only lasting for a brief moment
Isnt it pathetic how much we would rather hurt our selves
Than deal with human beings
Who were the ones to hurt us in the beginning
Seems like there’s nothing better for people to do
Than to destroy innocent hearts who just want to feel complete
We grow up dreaming
Suddenly things start to blur and ur hope starts to become less
Than it did the day before
And dreams distort into night mares
And night mares cause you to fake insomnia
So that you don’t have to sleep and face your fears
Instead you bring out the beers and pop a couple pills
And you cut.
-maham c.
I’m getting tired of feeling like a fuck up. I kind of just want to feel normal for once. Just deal with things the way they should happen and not force anything or over think it. I don’t understand what I do with people and how I start off relationships of any kind with them. I’m just weird and I’m getting tired of my random ways. My randomness is starting to become too predictable. I always put myself in situations where I make myself look too easy because I’m so open to what I say. I’m always open about the wrong things though. There’s so many guys who want to fuck me. Not a single one of them give a shit about me though. Half of them would stop talking to me if they found out how emo I can be at times and half of them would overlook that factor just because they think they have a chance to fuck me. Nobody will ever really know what I think of them. My feelings change quick. I can’t complain though, it’s all my fault. I wish I was more respectful towards myself. I bet if it weren’t for my looks nobody would even bother getting to know me. That’s how it was like when I was in elementary school and middle school. All you need is tits and a pretty face. Insecurity ruins it though. You grow up and start getting confused. Suddenly tits aren’t the only thing people want. They want a skinny body. Big ass. Um, idk some people don’t even like it and they want small tits and ass. People’s definition on beauty changes. Then you start find faults in yourself because nobody seems to like what you are made of. Like, you can have a lot going for you but it still doesn’t seem to be enough. Idk. I never learn my lesson and always go back to my old ways.. reminds me of my dad. I never take care of people who take care of me and I give so much attention and focus to people I know I’m nothing to. Maybe it’s the chase that excites me. The idea of what that person thinks of you, which could be anything and you don’t even know. It prevents boredom. Sometimes I put myself in situations where I’m so close to feeling death but I never go all the way. Like recently, I take enough pills to fuck me up and make me puke but darn, if I was gonna get fucked up I could have just tooken a few 20-40 more and just OD and make everything easier.. That’s how my friend killed herself. She took too many pills and died in her sleep. There’s something always holding me back but I’m always getting hurt. I’m getting so tired of being down on myself and making smaller things such a big deal.
You know what thought keeps becoming more convincing inside my head? The fact that there is literally nothing I’m good enough for and everything I’m trying to be good at will only be just a small phase of failures that the rest of these stupid teenagers are also trying to be good at. Everyone is trying to think differently and be different but they all look the same to me and all just fucking confuse me. Are these the type of people that are suppose to keep me happy to be alive? Other people who want to continue to fuck up their mentality and also wana kill themselves. Maybe they can handle whatever situation they put themselves into but I’m just straight up …not interest in shit and I get easily overwhelmed. Everyone questions everything, everyone has their own little perspective and shit. What happens when I’m in my own little bubble and living my life through my oblivious point of view?…someone fucken fucks it up. I’m so fucking annoyed by everything and everyone and even myself. Every time I think I’m good at something, I feel like my effort is just wasted. Every time I feel like I found a believable answer to comfort myself in the moment (even if it’s not true) someone has to come fuck it up for me. I can’t even be the best fuck up out there. I’m a failure at being a failure and that makes me feel pathetic. I feel like closing off ppl from my life is making me close minded. I learned its just best to keep your opinions to yourself. Not so you don’t piss others off but so that others don’t piss u off. I just don’t wana deal with shit. I just wana keep the things that make me smile and focus on that for as long as I can because it really never does last that long. Even my friends start to notice that everyone leaves me. There’s never gona be that moment of satisfaction inside me for something I did or said. Life’s just a piece of shit and I will never win. There’s always a feeling of competition and its with the most unexpected people that I feel it with. Ya, we’re all full of curiosity and people can do whatever the fuck pleases them. I started dressing bummier, I started gaining weight, I don’t even have energy to make a effort to look good, I’m always tired, I hate the feeling of nostalgia because it makes me really miss times that I thought I was happy in. I mean I remember not being happy for the longest time but for some reason the past still looks better than right now and I realize it’s not because I was happy then but because I’m just getting sadder right now. I’m devastatingly bored. You become so angry and turn into a little kid throwing tantrums and becoming bitter and mean just because you don’t get what you want but you get to watch other people care about others and you just wonder why the fuck you can’t get that. There are people who are smart or outgoing or whatever and like how the fuck do I become that? Or how did I turn into this? Maybe I’m better off because i can’t keep up with peoples minds and the regular ways of how you act with someone because I feel like I’m so awkward and the one person who sometimes can tell when I’m down and asks me what’s wrong I can’t talk to because she’s my mom and I don’t talk to her about problems that will cause more problems and I just feel like an emotional mess and I have nothing to keep me happy and I have no reason to care. Even these complaints sound repetitive. Sometimes I feel like I have potential and I can make people happy but that feeling disappears so quickly when self doubt shows up. When I see that there are so many better people than me who seem to know what they are talking about and even if they don’t make sense at least they are content with the way they see things I just lose all sense of happiness that I worked for. It’s like I take one step forward and end up with two steps back and its exhausting working your way back up to being content with urself. I’m not good at talking about feelings. I’m good at hiding my feelings behind a computer screen and tearing my skin with blades I get from shaving razors. Sometimes I trip over shit that shouldn’t be focused on so much. But if I don’t like the way I feel about something then I can’t help it. I can’t figure out what it is that I need but I don’t wana continue to be as uptight as I can be at times. I don’t know…maybe it’s not certain matters that piss me off or what people say but the fear of what it will lead to afterwards. Its all fun and games until there’s some sort of loss, which usually there always is.
Lately, I only find satisfaction in hurting myself.
I am self-diagnosing myself and have come to the conclusion that I am crazy. I feel like I’m fucking out of it, like I’ve just lost it. And the funny part is that I don’t even care. I actually prefer to be a mess than being perfect. Man people don’t fucking lie when they say boredom can lead a person to do crazy things. I think it’s kinda pathetic and sad that I can be more happier by myself than when I am with people. I don’t feel like everything I do is being compared to what other’s do. I don’t worry about getting anxious or awkward around people. Who needs a guy when I can just hide my ugliness with clothes and not have to become so stressed over every little detail on my body and worry for a guy thinking it’s the most disgusting shit he’s ever laid eyes on? Yes I have urges to be touched sometimes but I drive myself insane by being so self-conscious. Something may not even exist in someone else’s eyes but to me I see everything as a flaw on me, even if their just problems I’v created. I’v learned to be my own best friend and also my worst enemy. Iv accepted the fact that if I’m the most beautiful and smartest girl out there that drives boys crazy or if I’m an ugly and depressing and ditsy female who nobody pays attention to, it won’t make a damn difference. People leave. I can wait. I can wait my whole life to find someone who will actually make an effort towards me and accept me for however sane or insane I am. Because I am so tired of being afraid…of everything. Of being hurt. Of being rejected. Of being a failure. Of being a disappointment. Of being a girl with emotional baggage. Of forgetting who I am. Of not knowing where I went wrong and where I’m headed. I don’t care anymore. I give up on trying. If shit comes to me then so be it. But I know it will always leave. And I can try and take a chance and be spontaneous and try not to care and just have some spur of the moment fun but it’s always going to hurt later on when I’m alone. Because ile get that familiar feeling…the one where u got what you wanted but it turned out to not be what you wanted at all because u want more. I know people don’t like different. People like safe and normal. I’m not trying to be different or interesting to anyone. But all those negative thoughts that I keep telling myself…I’m starting to believe it and nothing else. I used to want attention from certain people but like I said, I got tired of keeping up with those people who I was completely invisible to. I don’t care. Plus high school is coming to an end and nobody is going to remember me then and I will get to be more alone. Ile get to be free and open with myself. Ile get to start over with people and have a “fresh start” and then fuck up all over again. My friend gave up on me. He said that it’s like telling an anorexic person that they aren’t fat. No matter what they won’t believe you or stop starving themselves. He said he can’t fix my issue. That I will always be sad no matter what, even if I’m happy. But I don’t want to be fixed. I won’t know what to be anymore if I’m fixed. I want to see how many good people are out there…people who will handle me and keep me in their lives no matter how fucking weird I seem to them. Because I mean, let’s admit it, weird people are weird, and even I don’t wana be around them sometimes. I don’t even wana be around me. So it takes a lot for a person to accept you for you. If someone can be that open minded with me and genuine, you know you have good people in your life. I just don’t want to be cheated on or lied to or taken advantage of. I wana see how far I can go from my mind. I wana see what I turn out like a couple years from now and how the world and people have molded me into tiny little parts of it. It’s like I grow from everything and everyone around me but I also feel like my something inside me gets emptier. You know I realized it takes one person to change everything in ur life. If you find someone who can make you happy, even if they don’t know it, they can completely change your world upside down and motivate you and keep you happy and hyper and show you a direction in your life where you can have a reason to wake up out bed and start a new day. Some people can make you view life in a completely different way as if you’re living in two different worlds and you wonder how can someone be so happy when you’re over here so sad. Like, how can we be around the same thing and feel nothing alike? And then they leave. And you’re broken again. No matter how hard you try to convince your mind and even if you do succeed, you can’t force your heart not to feel something that it does.
Damn I’m tired. But the good kind of tired. The kind where u come home exhausted not mentally but actually physically tired and ur room is a fucking mess and theres clothes and paint and makeup all over but u don’t give a shit…u just knock out. keeping busy seems to be the best and worst thing ever because u don’t have time to think about anything else but time flashes by quick in front of ur eyes. There is no time for life. Is this how it is for workaholics? They do the same shit everyday and u can’t even tell the difference when the day has passed and the new one has come. U don’t get to think or get caught up in ur day dreams. Ur just a blank mind, practically a machine. And then when u go home ur too tired to think. To tired to care to look at ur non existent phone calls and ur empty inbox to be reminded that ur lonelier than ever. U fucking sleep. Thats just amazing…to be tired and for once be able to get rest. I wish I didn’t want anything so that I could be less restless and anxious and more of a nothing. That way I would have no worries. But I’m good at nothing I do so I’m barely ever busy. More like just lost in my own thoughts unfortunately.
This is my start of the day. Then I’le proly go cut myself and overdose on nyquil and pills till I knock out and start another whole depressing day. Im weird.
Hi Im home. Omg Im eating a fucking cheeseburger its so fuggin yummilicious in my tummy, I came home early before 6th period because well no reason really. My friend is in the hospital she just went so when I got that text I was supur scared for her because shes not just an ordinary friend, shes like my best friend since elementary. Imagine losing someone else when you’re so worried about ending ur own life. Trust me, it feels shitty when someone else dies and ur just left there like …being alive and shit and ur fucked up in the head. I hate being a teenager, cant wait to get over this stage. Maybe this is all a phase. Or maybe its just reality which is a untreated mental illness that drives me crazy. U no, yesterday I had the best fucking trip ever. I was by myself stoned all fucking day. I was fucking happy. I had no idea wat I was even saying to people or texting. Then I smoked this morning. And now my weed is gone! So Im left with nothing to make me happy and yesterday made me realize how fucking unhappy I was because when I was high yesterday, it felt like I hadnt been happy in so long. Maybe I’m just obsessed with weed. Idk but I couldnt stop thinking bout coke. Then this morning I wanted some heroin llmao random ass shit but I cant go that far but point is I cant stop thiking bout drugs man. There the only shit that keep me sane at home. It makes it easier to get through tthe day obviously. Holy fudge I have 214 followers. I wonder if yal actually read this shit. I love yal <3 um I had my head out in the window on the ride home because I was buying some paint shit …(ima paint all this depressing shit to freak my mom out and keep myself busy) and i felt like a fucking dog. Is that how awsome they feel when they get to stick their heads out the window? It must feel so good to be a bitch. Imagine how much shit we could get from being a bitch that we dont get from being nice. Anywho, I feel lonely. Ima go eat and do stuff. I don’t know. I’m such a loser. I want to buy a cat. I dont want anyone to bother me. I wana be alone.
