It doesn’t even feel right to touch my wrist and not feel a rough surface or to look down and not see any scars. It’s just normal skin. It feels weird.
Maybe bad things happen to start off something good but it sucks how good things always finish and start off something terrible. I continue to let down people but life continues to let me down. The bad seems never ending and makes you notice how quickly you will have to accept that good things just aren’t meant to last in your life and that’s why being happy hurts me more than being sad. For a very long time I have felt that everything that has happened to me is something I deserve and thats probably because I do deserve it which is one reason why I started self harming because I spend so much time feeling guilty for lying over something that I think is worth lying for because it makes me happy. I thought I would be a stronger person after all this hurt that I have caused to myself and others but it’s made me a lot more weaker than I would expect. I have so many areas to work on to be emotionally stable but I never do anything to fix myself. Theres no way I will be happy if I don’t fix myself. Every time I have a desire to be with someone life always gets in the way, responsibilities get in the way, stupid dumb shit gets in the way but feelings never exist. For some reason I can’t seem to find someone who will forever keep me happy. I dont honestly think that exists out there but the possibilities of me fucking up seem like they will happen alot. Instead I’m just good at hurting people who are not people I am trying to hurt or have any emotions attached to. I feel like wanting to be happy holds me back too much as much as the fear of being too safe and going against what people don’t want me to do. If i did half the things or said half the things I wanted to do or felt like doing, people would think I’m fucking crazy. People always focus on the bad actions that good people do and make them seem bad but they never focus on how it all started off. I feel like I learned nothing from life and I’m just going to keep making mistakes. How can you experience so much and not care about something enough but new things that catch ur attention make u want to know everything about it. We always tend to want something that wants nothing to do with us. My actions have changed a lot in the past years that I wouldn’t have expected myself to do but each time I think about how I still feel like a little innocent girl inside and how in wish i could go back to those times where I was just curious and had something to dream about, had something to be proud for. But lately, that little girl has been lost. Shes gone. I could have been such a good and smart person. I could have been normal. I always fuck up. I’m just like any other fucked up girl. Sad and depressed. The only thing I would receive from people is pity and shame. Thats what happens when u try to be different and try to find yourself at the same time. You don’t get shit. You just keep losing a part of urself while u keep trying to make urself believe there is something better out there to live for. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to be sad right now. I deserve to feel this way.
Whenever I feel like cutting myself or I feel extremely alone I just leave school. If I have no one to go to I might as well be alone at home rather than be a mood killer to everyone else around me. U can go home and close ur eyes and be quiet and not have to make things awkward because theirs no one waching you and u can just rest. Cant promise that the loneliness will go away though. I get so tired of always making decisions by myself and doing things by myself. I don’t mind it but I don’t prefer it that way all the time either.
I think fear sucks because it holds us back from so many things that don’t even matter. It holds a lot of people back from getting to know the good side of you and it especially holds you back from getting to know yourself to your full potential. Sometimes I get scared more for why I want something than the actual thing I want because I can’t understand why I would want to torture my heart so many times before I get the clue that you can’t let people walk all over you and you can’t keep running in fear and think that life’s problems will fix themselves during time. It’s just a feeling that stays with you. Our hearts are so sensitive, I don’t see why everyone can’t get that through our heads and try to treat a person better. And if someone is going to push us too far to the point where you need to face your fears, at least give them a reason to overcome it and find that the fear was just created in our minds due to the past. There’s always a fear of finding out that what I believe is true and that people will continue to be careless and be selfish and worry about themselves only. Then I’m scared that everything I hate will be everything I turn into. And the scariest feeling I believe that everyone else can relate to would be the idea of being alone forever. It’s just torture; you torture yourself by exposing who you are to people who will make you feel like they left you before they even got the chance to be close to you. I just don’t see the point of life if you have no one to love you. I’m not here to impress myself after all. I live in a world where judgment is a part of human nature and if I deserve to be treated like shit by people I think I also deserve someone who can make me forget that I’m crap. It’s nice to be reminded that I’m a girl and not some programmed robot trained to feel the same things every day and be placed in the same comfortable surrounding each day. I don’t want to feel blank and naked in societies eyes. I’d rather just live in a small world with one person and do whatever we felt like. The most boring things excite me. Love excites me. Nobody seems to be good enough though. And then I don’t seem good enough either. I wonder if the road leading to fear also leads to a door of happiness and contentment afterwards. I’m just bitter. Everyone seems so fucking perfect. I know they’re not though. Not even close. But they pull it off so well.
I feel like a useless worthless piece of shit u no. I hate every fucking body. I’m tired of being mocked or I’m just straight up sick of myself like I’m an annoying little fuck and I’m always fucking confused I’m so tired mother fucken worn out from life its distressing its fucking pointless. I don’t fucking want anything from anyone I’m so tired of countless disappointments from ppl im just not made for anyone to like me I’m nothing to my parents. I wana forget everyone.i wana forget ppl who remind me of what heart break feels like. Just want to cut. Mostly I don’t give a shit anymore bout myself, my body, my health, my feelings, worthiness. Its all a fucked up mess. It’s never gona be fixed I’m never gona be normal. I wish i didn’t have to go out in public. I wana be alone. Friends, this empty shit of a love life consumed with all sorts of dueces, parents. I just can’t make no one happy. I feel so pressured at school. I’m failing. Another year in summer school. Wtf when did I become so fucking lost in this world I feel I’m being eating up by various emotions can’t fucking think straight.
Fuck hahaa I feel soo stoneddd like I feel like Im having the best time in the bathroom. My heart feels like its tightening and its beating hard. Oh no suddenly the most randomest person pops up in mind My heartbeat fastens more. Its like a butterfly inside my stomach fluttering quick. I might have a tiny crush on you. I wasnt supposed to. I just wanted a part time companion to make me feel less lonely but I want to have a crush on you. Idk your different. Oh fuck! I like day dreaming about you. This is nonsense.I feel so fucking happy. Ecstatic. I feel everything right now. Except you. I wish I could feel you. I feel silly and giddy like a little school girll with a crush. Then I feel sad. Sad cuz I’m a loser. I feel like any second my mom is going to come upstairs and catch me into dissapointing her again because I can’t ever do anything good. That would be scary. To hurt my mom. To hurt someone I cant live without. Why am I still alive? Oh i feel like the world is tellnig me a big fuck you. Bitch slut hoe cunt whore liar ugly skank puta. Haha Im so stoned Idk what Im talking abotut. Oh hey i love all my followers <3 Stay safe and celibate but always remember to bake before you wake and eat cake. Haha shutup maham. Just keep cutting yourself like a stupid emo bitch. Your good for nothing why arent you dead you scardy catt. too afraid to kill urself.
Pain comes in so many forms and leaves you with nothing but exhaustion and distress. You can feel it tugging on ur heart strings, almost like your heart is getting ready to be pulled out and all ur emotions just spill out in a bloody mess for others to mock what you held inside ur precious chest. Quick breathing progress louder as the panic attack slowly creeps up on you. You start sobbing. Silent sobbing. Then the silence turns into loud angry crying. And you leave the trail of blackened tears run from ur darkened eyes down to your chin. You consider wearing waterproof mascara next time but you don’t care how ugly you look. Let the world see what they did to you. Show them what they think is ugly from the outside is only a hint of the wreck ur from the inside. You pick up a clean tissue to wipe the mess away so you can look like u have no problems but the Kleenex piles up as the tears don’t stop and the snot drips down you like a little child with a cold. Your going to pass out from the pressure of crying too hard and for a few hours, the world, the problems, the people won’t exist. You’re safe. Then the next morning you will wake up and remember everything you went through the night before and the feeling of guilt, shame, grief will find its way back to you. You will be out of tears but you’re heart won’t fail to feel that devastation and pain again that puts you down so much. At the same moment you want forgiveness, you want freedom, you want a physical presence to just hold you and tell you to stop and get yourself together. But people never have time for other people these days. There’s no one. People are so busy with their false sense of happiness that they can’t even tell when someone needs them. You will never be put first in somebody else’s life because they only think about what makes them happy. So you continue to just deal with the pain that settles in you and leaves you with a strong sense of fatigue and numbness. Its like you are high but without an actual illegal substance. You are just out of it. You are just so hurt you dont know whats going on and you refuse to look past anything that doesn’t create pain. You want to do nothing. You don’t want to move. You don’t want to eat. You don’t want to talk. You don’t want drugs. You don’t want to try anything.
I hate my dad because he makes me feel like shit and makes me feel like a joke. Theres nothing but arguments and he lies so much. He’s a terrible person. He is so oblivious to what he is doing to me and my mom. He said its funny when I’m mad and fucking laughs in my face when I’m over here crying and pushing him and screaming and breaking my fucking shit. Like wtf is funny and he never has any answers to any of my questions. He has no common sense and he forces me to put up a nice act in front of his friends who I don’t know. When I turn 18 he won’t be able to make up any excuses anymore because I wont need his car or his money. So im glad he’s leaving this family because he has done nothing but put his family in distress and he’s a big piece of shit. I already feel so heartbroken and shitty because of the situation I have with boys and feeling so rejected and stupid. My dad makes everything worse. He has stayed only to cause more chaos but has never offered to take care of me or his wife. He just brings out a side of me where I hate every single male that I ever come across because all they ever do is hurt me and he’s hurt me the most and I can add up all the pain I have gotten from the opposite sex and my dad and the pain of cutting myself and possibly even killing myself wouldn’t even equal to the amount of sadness and hurt and anger I am feeling. Hurting myself would be a relief to make all this hurt dissapear. Like when I’m that much in pain my mind automatically goes to my fucking razor or just something that could hurt me like punching the wall or glass. I’m just mad. I always let things pass by me and make it seem like I’m okay with things because I want others to be happy and I always make it seem like I can get over it because I know i will eventually but it adds up and becomes such a huge burden and my dad brings out all those emotions in me to where to where I get so violent. But I’m not okay with it. I just want him out of my life. I was begging him to leave me alone and he just laughs. Like theres nobody to ever go to to get away from this shit. I can be as careless as I want because there’s not a fucking single human being who gives a dam bout my life and it so fucking hard to just tell myself to get through the day and that I don’t need anyone. I just can’t wait till there is just peace in the house and its just my me and my mom. I really need a foundation to start from in my life because I’m a complete fucking mess and I am so lazy and so lost about myself and life. Theres just so much work I have to do that I owe to myself to have a good life and my mom because my dad hasn’t offered shit and I’m tired of depending on people. I really just wana give up on guys. Like I get it, I’m not pretty and I’m awkward and I need to fix myself so I just need to get over it and do something for myself that wont make me feel like a failure.
I kinda feel like purging. Idk why, I haven’t done it in a while. I just felt triggered and I felt like shit. That’s the only thing I’m good at, is making myself feel like shit. It’s easier to make yourself feel like shit so that there is no room for others to bring you down.
