It’s crazy how cutting can give me such a high when Im completely sober. This is a habit I should have left a long time ago but now it is a part of me. It is painful and I do not even cut deep. I am not even trying to quit. I scratch over my cuts, cut over my cuts, bathe in burning hot water, and sometimes put rubbing alcoholic on it. The pain is unbearable for me. It’s enough to hurt me but not enough to kill me. For some reason, everytime I am about to cut it feels like it’s my first time all over again. But once I get that blade across my skin and I start to see the skin tear and blood rise, I become motivated to cut more, and that cutting becomes to slashing. My body trembles, my hands sweat, my arm becomes paralyzed and numb and it stings. I become so tired; the exhaustion is quick to put me to sleep and make me forget about all my problems. But it’s never enough. I always want more. I’m always left unsatisfied…I should have cut more, cut deeper. What are you afraid of? Why are you even cutting? It’s stupid. At least that’s what society claims it to be. It’s a cry for attention and you’re emo if you do it. Attention is the last thing I want. I found out a long time ago that I’m not worthy of anyone’s attention. If anything, I want to just be accepted as I am. Love me, love my scars. People do nothing but mock a person’s weakness. I do it to get rid of the guilt, to get rid of feeling like a dumb piece of shit, I do it because I deserve it, I do it because I’m addicted, I do it because it is a part of me. Sometimes I don’t care who knows what or who see’s my scars. Sometimes I care too much and I just want to be left alone. Regardless, I did it 3 years ago, I did it now, and I’m probably going to do it again soon enough.
Just a couple “cat scratches”. Gonna go take a hot shower. This shit will burn”
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fuck it.
Second time I eveer cut my thigh. I just had to cut somewhere. I mean, I didnt get the same satisfaction as cutting my wrist but for now it will do. After Saturday I can fuck up my arm. But dam, my thigh stings like shit right now and Im barely getting started.
