As the smoke appears my chaotic thoughts disperse within the fog that I exhaled out to make me forget that I can never ever get what I want. I want “this” like iv never wanted anything before even though this feeling has visited me numerous times during the growth of my life with people who mean nothing now, but then my mind catches a sudden break that takes me in suprise from the quick and exiciting day dreams I have of you. What if I got what I wanted? What if me pursuing you was accomplished? Then what? We are so good at focusing on the worst thing that the positive side seems so unimaginative. But I feel like I would still fail, like how everybody else fails by being with someone else, because they never know how to keep up with their wish when it comes true. The idea of rejection makes me feel like a ugly little turtle wanting to hide away from the harshness of the world so that nobody can step all over my sensitive inner self and cause to much pain. Im too content with this loneliness to risk it for 5 seconds of the idea that someone wants to make me happy. You just know that it won’t last. I wonder if this is always going to occur? That I will be more occupied in the idea of wanting someone than actually being with someone. That I will forget how you truly treat a decent human being because I would be so caught up in my own head and my own fictional ideas that I lash out my bitterness on the wrong soul. But people are so good at being fake and happy, like they can almost make you feel like they are aloud to make you feel the way they make you feel. But feelings are supposed to be controlled by oneself. They act like they can get what they want out of you and then just leave because they got what they wanted or they didnt get satisfied enough. I don’t understand the use of why we need someone so much at times, but I don’t feel like coming up with more questions about just simple human nature when I know I will get no answers. Things are just the way they should be. Apparenlty lust means nothing but its the easiest and closest thing to becoming close with someone we like or love or whatever you wana call the feeling that has strangers even making the most miserable of us all happy. People are easy, people are sad, people are confused. Oh wait, maybe I’m just listing facts about myself lol. Oh well, I’m just going to wait for nothing to happen till I’m tired and find something bad about this person. Ugh, Idk why I’m so serious about things sometimes so much. I wish I could be like the rest of the kids out there who become joyful over just fucking around. Careless is the word. Im just over that shit. Im sadly one of those weird people who care too much. How can you care about nothing and no one? Idk, but my heart is making it seem like such a thing is possible. Just fucking around? Friends with benefits? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Labels just ruin the fun in everything; thats just typical and boring. If you know what you are then what else is there to do with your life. Then you’re just going to be focusing on other people too much. Maybe that’s why happy people are such cunts. Because they think they are perfection and know everything so they just end up talking shit about everyone and focus on why this person is always so depressing and emo all the time. What am I even talking about?
Oh gosh I just touched my fat roll, I feel like a fat hippo. Ugh, Ima go eat cookies.
You know waht? Fuck people. Fuck emotions. Fuck these jerks who make me feel like shit. Fuck myself for letting them bring me down so much. They have no idea where their life is going and even if they do… they still suck. They don’t understand how much they hurt me. I mean, little actions change a person. Am I the only one who sometimes gets a natural high sometimes?…Like…is that abnormal? I mean, I’m being serious, sometimes I feel like I’m high without being on any drugs. I can basically make myself feel whatever I want to feel. I’m in control of my thoughts. FUCK PEOPLE. They can’t control shit. I can change the way I feel whenever I want. Fuck. No wait, I’m confused. Does me hurting myself mean that I’m letting people get to me or does it just mean that my self esteem just sucks by my own choice because I let it, because I mean the word self esteem does include “self” so I guess that means I’m bringing myself down for no reason? This makes no sense. Nothing makes sense ever. My mind is so fucking contradictory. I just want an answer. Like, what do I with my life? Just tell me what to do because I can’t seem to figure it out on myself. I don’t know what I’m good for. Nobody will ever care about what I really feel. People are just mean these days. Woah, when did I write so much lol.
I never realized how boring and complicated life turned into. When did all these complaints start to happen? When did I start to hate myself so much? Why is everyone so confused, looking for a purpose to live? I feel sad almost to know I came into highschool with so much excitement and I am going to be leaving with nothing. Like, I feel empty and incomplete. I feel like I need to fix myself but I don’t know what exactly it is that needs fixing. Cuz technically Im fine. But then again, Im a complete emotional wreck. Honeslty, right now, I want to be far away from drugs and cutting and self-pity. I really want to feel healthy and proud. But it’s hard for me to even make it through this semester for some reason. I feel really dull and tired. It’s like a cycle. Everytime you feel like you are going to be okay, you just relapse and fail. It’s weird, I could go my whole life without self harm and abuse and smoking and snorting or whatever it is and nobody would even tell the difference. Nobody would know. So who am I even doing this all for? Like, I might as well just get over it. All I’m doing is making myself sick. I know there’s more to me than I ever allow myself to show. But I just don’t care about anything in front of me to put all my effort into it. I know I shouldnt be depending on anyone for my own happiness, but I’m human and I can’t help but want someone to care just a little bit once in a while.
Dont ever forget the type of person u are behind closed doors. Shit looks too easy when ur only observing. People end up wanting something that doesn’t even exist.But really, humans aren’t all that great. You’re only able to cherish the good in a person once ur accepting of their flaws. Otherwise, people start off by thinking someone or something is so great until they see the true colors of what they thought was so great was really just something we created in our minds and thats how hearts break because we had expectations of someone or something without even realizing it. Really, its just pointless wanting anything at all. We never have a good enough reason as to why we want anything and we never do anything for the things we need. All we do is judge, judge and judge. Maybe, if for a second, we just let go of someone’s mistakes or just not care at all about someone, they will surprise us and they will be the one’s working for our attention, not the other way around, where you end up chasing someone who doesn’t even want you. And then we can focus on ourselfs and make life a little easier. This makes no sense.
Before/After
haha idk what we were looking at. im the one on the left just in case u cant tell.
Me and my friend baked some cupcakes and had a small midnight snack…around 3 a.m lol :D
LOl sorry for the uglyness, but this is what happens at 240 a.m. when ur dying of boredom!!!
…because I know Im not going to sleep anytime soon and there is no one to talk to at home :( llol
but my buddy here helped me through :)
